A Mindset Shift to Reclaim Purity With God

Reclaiming my purity after losing my virginity, after being exposed to porn, after a lifetime of feeling shame and insecurity around my body is one of the most difficult things I've done. And I say done loosely, because I could fall back into sin tonight. But on this journey of reclaiming my purity--giving up all sexual conduct, and the consuming and creating of explicit content, there have been two eye-opening moments that've helped strengthen my conviction.

1. I realized my performance was for the devil's pleasure.

Okay, let's dig into this.

We obviously know that the devil perverts what the Lord creates. The Lord created our bodies, our desires, and the act of sex. He values intimacy, relationship, creation--all of the things that bloom from marriage and physically connecting with our spouse. The devil attacks our natural, God-given desires for connection and physical intimacy in many ways. The way he attacked my personal desire was through exposure to pornography and the exploitation of insecurities.

The Bondage of Needing To Be Chosen

When I was eighteen and found myself in my first relationship, I Googled how to kiss a boy. Innocent enough, right? Somewhere along the way it escalated into how to look good in bed. And that's when I discovered a popular porn site I'll leave unnamed. From there, the categories were endless, but what began as innocent quickly turned demonic when I felt drawn to the category of bondage.

This violent, degrading, abusive, tormented, demonic content became the ground that my sexual desire and arousal tendencies were planted in. When that first relationship quickly deteriorated, along with my virginity, I kept viewing the content because I'd discovered sexuality, arousal, and orgasms. And I wasn't ready to put myself back in the box of purity again. Actually, I didn't even think that was possible, so why even try?

I spent years consuming this content. And because it was normalized, romanticized even, in mainstream media and fiction, it didn't feel wrong. Genres like dark romance and mafia romance hit the scene hard after Fifty Shades of Grey. Those books were like foreplay, and the video was the climax. And this exposure all began with a simple internet search rooted in inexperience, longing, and insecurity. How easy is it to fall into the devil's trap?

I only ever wanted to be chosen, to be loved. I didn't want to watch porn, struggle to have arousing sex with another person, or become better at the performance of sex than the intimacy of it. I didn't want to become someone who felt broken beyond repair because of the content I'd gotten attached to as a young, naive girl. I didn't want to continue seeing those images in my head years after stopping my viewing. This is how the devil works. Little curiosities can become gateways to Hell. This is why 1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to "flee from sexual immorality."

Over time, I started to feel the conviction of what I was doing. I knew this stuff was dark. Yet, for a long time, it felt inescapable. I felt like I'd been hardwired to only be aroused by darkness and violence. Admittedly, it took me a while to truly break the chains the devil had been holding me in. And the truth is, I didn't break them at all. The Holy Spirit did.

As I got closer to God, darkness became less arousing. Self-pleasure became less satisfying, even without the dark content. And one day, I felt a shift. I realized that what I'd been doing had been a performance for the devil.

He loved the ways he tormented me. He loved watching me get off to the kinds of things you'd only find in Hell. And suddenly, I felt like one of the girls in the videos--being watched, being tormented, thinking she wants it, thinking it's okay, but she doesn't and it's not.

The devil loves to sell us a half-baked version of what we truly crave. And we buy the lie. We eat the forbidden fruit, because we think it's what we want.

I felt the exploitation of my desires, of my body, of my insecurities, and of my longing for connection. And it brought me to tears. God revealed everything to me. And that revelation made me see the error of my ways, the devil's hand in my life, and it made me hurt for God and love Him more. I hurt for Him, because I realized He knew what the devil was doing long before I did, and He had to watch. He had to watch His daughter be exploited in the most intimate sense. And yet, my love for Him grew, because He opened my eyes. He freed me from the devil's bondage.

Abstaining from dark content and even masturbation became easier once I saw the truth. I didn't want to give the devil a foothold in my life, and I didn't want to make choices that saddened God. But I was still left with wounds that needed to be healed.

I needed to learn safe, healthy, and pure arousal. I needed to retrain my mind and body to respond to love not violence. And that can be hard to do when you don't have love in your life. Additionally, the physical urge to have sex and the emotional urge for romantic connection doesn't just disappear when you choose purity. Again, the desires for sex and connection are God-given. So, even when you feel convicted to abstain from sex and self-pleasure, your desire, your longing, your craving for both physical and emotional release remains.

I did go through a process of healing with self-touch. It was something that felt forbidden yet necessary. I can't speak to the biblical nature of this, but I did take the time to heal those wounds with God. And it was in that process of healing that I realized the true root of my desire.

2. What I truly crave is pure intimacy, a kind of intimacy only my husband (and God) can provide.

This second mindset shift was the missing piece for me to reclaim my purity. Even after I ceased viewing dark content and retrained my mind and body to respond to love, I still felt a sense of sadness, shame, and conviction after finishing. I would find a physical release and be left with the emotional heaviness of loneliness. I knew in my heart and spirit that this form of intimacy--which wasn't really intimacy at all--wasn't what I wanted. Self-touch was what I'd been settling for.

For a long time, I viewed masturbation as a coping mechanism for loneliness and abstaining from sex. I viewed it as a way to maintain my standards in the single season and not jump into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Maybe it was for a while, but eventually it ceased to soothe.

I found myself in tears, longing for my husband, and feeling disconnected from God after each time. That feeling tormented me, because I knew my desire for connection and release wasn't going to go away. Sexual sin felt like something I'd struggle with forever. Suppressing my desires only gave rise to the shame and insecurities I'd long carried around my body, which only made me feel worse. But what I've found is that it's not about suppressing your desires for connection, intimacy, and physical release. It's about understanding where they come from.

Accepting that self-touch isn't what I really want, even when I crave a physical release, is the mindset shift that helps me breathe through the urge. Understanding the root of my desire--for pure intimacy with my husband--helps me fight sexual immorality.

The Truths I Rest In

1. Self-touch is a foothold I will not grant the devil.

2. Self-touch will not satisfy my true desire, which is for my husband.

3. My desire is good, but I do not have a proper outlet to explore this with--yet.

For me, I've struggled with porn exposure, perverted arousal, and masturbation. But sexual perversion and sexual sin has many ways of presenting. If this is an area you feel convicted in, I urge you to seek God. He will heal you from the inside out. He will open your eyes and break the invisible chains the devil holds you in. For me, that healing wasn't found in one verse or one book of the Bible. I found it in true relationship with the Lord, in getting to know His character, in learning He is trustworthy, He loves me, and His intention is good.

A Final Word

Sex, intimacy, and purity--these are all sensitive topics that aren't easy to talk about. But it's in the areas we keep private that the devil can easily slip in. I'm sharing my story so that hopefully you won't have to. You won't make the same mistakes I did. You won't fall for the same lies or have your good, God-given sexuality tormented and perverted the way I did. And if you have--if you've experienced a version of the devil's torment in this area--I share my story so you know that healing is possible.

Let there be light in dark places, words of truth and wisdom where there was once silence.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

"If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently... Carry each other's burdens." Galatians 6:1-2

"Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil... they will not come into the light for fear their deeds will be exposed." John 3:19-20

Exposure without judgement leads to healing and gentle restoration. Our God is the God of Mercy. So too we shall be the people of mercy and comfort those who confide in us.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." James 5:16

"Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy." Proverbs 28:13

After everything I've been through, I can honestly say: It is better to wait until marriage. Take sex off the table in your dating relationships, especially if you're a virgin. Don't even open that door because it is really hard to shut once you do. That's why Song of Solomon warns us: "Do not awaken love before it's time."

Do not awaken your sexuality before it's time, because once it is awake, it doesn't go back to sleep. Even now, as I reclaim purity and commit to waiting until marriage, my sexuality is not asleep. It's a light that's been dimmed, but not a switch that's been flipped. Once you've tasted, you don't forget. You just face a new challenge of self-control that is made harder by knowledge.

With that said, healing is possible. Reclaiming your purity is possible with the Holy Spirit. Self-control is possible with the Holy Spirit. And I am thankful for the Lord's healing and mercy. I am thankful to know the God who loves and restores, who seeks to share truth and wisdom that protects us from evil and gives us an abundant life.