Single & Surrendered: The Hurt & Hope of Waiting

Single and Surrendered. You've reclaimed your relationship with the Father. You finally understand the beauty of God's design for mankind and marriage. You've established holy boundaries for dating and intimacy. You're resting in the Lord's intention, knowing He values family, relationships, connection, intimacy, and desires to give you good things. You trust Him to guide you, protect you, and love you. You know His ways are better. You trust Him with the thing that was once the hardest to surrender. And yet...you're still hurting.

You still feel the ache of your missing rib or missing mate. You struggle with hormonal shifts and physical desires you can't satisfy. You still long for a connection you struggle to believe exists. Not because God isn't good but because the world isn't good. The world doesn't breed godly men. The ones that exist are as rare as you. And the dating scene is a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah.

You long for something different. You long for God's intention. You long for a marriage not of this world but of Heaven. You long to go back to Eden before sin entered the picture. Herein lies the hurt and hope of the single and surrendered woman. It's the very hurt and hope I live in.

Today, I am struggling. And, to be completly honest, I know it's because of my cycle. Ovulation has a way of making me crave connection more than I normally do. It's a pattern I've recognized over the months. When I'm married, it'll be a beautiful thing--a special time of closeness with my husband. But when you're 30 and single and the years and potential counterparts keep passing you by, you can't help but question if it will ever happen. And then you feel the ache of missing out--missing out on love, companionship, and physical intimacy.

I titled this post Single and Surrendered because the surrender is where the true ache lies. My convictions are as strong as my desires. I desire a relationship, but not an unintentional, reckless dating phase that drags on for years and threatens my purity. I desire marriage, but only with a man of God who the Lord affirms with peace. I desire physical intimacy, but only in the sanctity and safety of marriage. These desires and convictions about intentional dating and holy intimacy shrink the already depleted dating pool.

On the one hand, I am thankful for my convictions. I know my beliefs and unwillingness to settle will protect me from counterfeit partners. I know my standards set me up to receive the marriage I have always yearned for. I know my beliefs are a reflection of my close relationship with the Lord and are an act of faithfulness to the Lord. I know, even though my standards shrink my options, they are ultimately the very thing that will help me discern a husband worthy of my heart. But...the ache of rarity is still there.

Men with the same convictions are rare. Men who pursue the Lord diligently are rare. Men who pursue marriage with intentional dating are rare. Men willing to wait to have sex are rare. When something is rare, it can feel next to impossible to find. And yes, we as women of God are also rare. That's why the scripture tells men, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." Proverbs 18:22

For me, discouragement creeps in when I see unintentional dating, aversion to commitment, and casual sex being normalized. Today's society does not promote marriage, Christian values, or even romance. I think the way certain behaviors have become normalized is actually increasing the rarity of those who still desire marriage in the Christian sense. It's not because men and women innately don't want love, commitment, etc. It's because they've been conditioned to believe it doesn't exist in this world, so they give into the world. I get it. I did the same thing.

I thought it was okay to have sex before marriage. I thought it was okay to marry the first man to choose me. Not just okay. I thought it was the only way to survive in this world. I thought it was the only way to have love, be chosen, and get married in this world. I wasn't taught to date with discernment or the importance of purity. I was taught how to exist in the world not how to remain set apart from it. This is the challenge men and women face today. We are encouraged to conform, not to stand out.

Two key things have encouraged me to restore my original desires for sex and marriage. The first is meeting men (although rare) who do share the same convictions. They're out there and they give me hope. The second is knowing that being alone with God is better than being in a relationship that creates distance between me and God and forces me to settle for less than I truly desire.

I've been there. I've lived that life. And while the ache of longing for a rare union is haunting, it is a holy haunting. Whereas, sharing a home with a man who does nothing but threaten your peace, drag you down, uses your body, neglects your heart, doesn't lead, doesn't encourage you to go to church or attend with you, doesn't study his Bible, doesn't care for you or your household--that's just a horror. Nothing holy about it.

Unfortunately, that is the reality for women who do not surrender but continue to settle. I've seen it with women close to me. They don't believe there's anything better out there. So, they continue to entertain men who use them, disrespect, and hurt them. Even if there isn't a relationship status or ring attached to the dynamic, the sheer presence of that man blocks the present God could deliver if you'd trust Him to give you more.

Receiving begins with surrendering. And yes, it hurts. The price of hope is hurt. But without hope, there is only hurt.

If you're a single and surrendered woman of God, I want you to know I see you. I know it hurts, but the presence of pain doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. You're still surrendered. You're still honoring God and walking in conviction. You're still walking in hope even when it hurts. And I hope you know it's worth it.

Even when you question if the season will ever change, if God will ever unite you with your kingdom spouse, waiting is still worth it. Waiting with God and on God is better than giving in to the devil's counterfeit. It is lonely but it is holy. It requires strength, sacrifice, suppression, and surrender and yes, sometimes it sucks. But having experienced the ways of the world, I can honestly say it is better. God's ways are better every single day. Only those who do not know the truth or see the error of their ways would say differently.

If you're single and desiring a holy union but haven't quite found a way to surrender yet, I also see you. I've been you for the majority of my life and change is possible. Reclaiming your relationship with the Lord and rediscovering convictions is possible. Reclaiming purity is possible. Holy hope is possible.

I will leave you with this--a sentiment for both of us: If you don't believe in something better, how can you ever receive it? If you don't believe in godly union, in sacred sex, how can you ever experience it?

Don't settle for a man's presence when you truly long for the Lord's present.