Struggles In Surrender: When It's Still Hard to Trust

I didn't know there would be a part two to my Struggles In Surrender post, but I've spent the past couple of days processing, and I have more to share. Hopefully, by the end of this post everything won't feel so heavy.

In my battle with old wounds, feeling disconnected from myself, and struggling to trust God, I came up with a list of things I need to fix. Why? Because it's been ingrained in me that I have to be fixed to be blessed, to be loved. So, I made it my mission to figure out everything I need to do to leave this season behind and enter the next one, the one that hopefully includes the love I've been yearning for. And that has only amplified the heaviness I feel, because deep down, I know I can't fix myself. I know I'll never be perfect.

Feeling like I am the problem, like there's something wrong with me, like every failure delays my blessings, like God's goodness is based on my performance, pricks the core wound from my childhood, deepens my shame and sadness, allows the hopelessness to resurface, and makes me angry at God. The old lie has risen that makes me feel like I was set up to fail, because perfection is beyond my capabilities.

I realize I've been striving instead of surrendering. When everything got heavy, my old thoughts, patterns, and wounds presented. I was resting in God's truth. I was standing strong in surrender. But my default got triggered, and I went back into survival mode, which makes me feel like it's my responsibility to fix everything. But it's not.

God is the healer, the fixer, the refiner, the lover, the guardian. I can lay down my burdens at His feet and He will pick them up. That's what surrendering to Him is all about--trusting Him to take care of you. But all the knowledge of Him in the world doesn't mean it's easy to walk by faith.

At times, I still find it hard to let go of control, to surrender, to trust Him even though He's trustworthy, even though He's good and faithful, even though I know He is writing a better story for me than I ever could. I know the truth, but walking in it is different.

I have questions and no answers. I don't know how to trust fully, rest peacefully, feel His love, let go of my shame when I fail, or reclaim my purity without failure. I just don't. But I also don't have to figure it out. I don't have to have the perfect Bible study plan, or have a perfectly thought-through checklist for healing. All I have to do is seek Him, and let Him do the work in me. That's where I ended my processing. Just seek Him. But that's not where I end my post.

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Even In My Failure, I Am...

Still Chosen

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will." Ephesians 1:4-5

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

"For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable." Romans 11:29

Even when I question my worth, His choice still stands. It's not based on my performance. It's anchored in who He is and who He says I am.

Still Loved

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

"Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep." Psalm 36:5-7

I can't out-sin or out-struggle God's love for me. God's love is not a feeling toward me. It's His identity. I was created to be loved by Him, to love Him, and be the reflection of His to the world. I was created to be His daughter, His family. He delights in our relationship. Even in the tension between faith and doubt, His love is steady--unchanging and surrounding me like oxygen.

Still Pursued

"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn't he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulder." Luke 15:4-5

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

God does not abandon us in our heartbreak or hardship. He never abandons us at all. He constantly seeks us out, even when we are unfaithful to Him.

The Book of Hosea presents a love story between Hosea and an unfaithful woman. The love story illustrates God's love for His people, a people who at times are unfaithful. Even in unfaithfulness, God pursues us. He brings us to a quiet place, a place of stillness, where we may hear Him. And when He does, He does not scold us, but speaks tenderly to us. I think that's what's been happening between He and I the past few days.

I desire to cling to God with all my strength, but when I have nothing left--when I'm weak, when I doubt Him--He's still holding onto me. He isn't letting me go. He will sustain our relationship in the time it takes me to seek Him again.

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God Is The Love I've Been Seeking

I write this post mostly for myself, as a comprised testament of my struggle and the truth I'm sure I'll need reminding of again.

We are told God is love. It's a literal verse in 1 John, one I just wrote about last week. But I've never identified God as the love I've been seeking, not until tonight. I think it's because the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, God's ultimate demonstration of love for humanity, feels so divine. It is so divine that it doesn't feel relatable. It is a love I haven't yet learned how to identify with.

What resonates as love for me, a love that feels real, a love that is exactly what I've always hoped for, is a man who still chooses me even when I'm not easy to choose, even when I push him away. He chooses me even when I'm difficult. And his unwavering choice makes me feel safe to trust him. Oh, to be loved like that, and God does love me exactly like that.

He loves me enough to say I am good on my worst day. He loves me enough to not let anything or anyone, including myself, separate us. He created me to be His. How beautiful is that? He wanted me enough to create me. He loves me enough to remain faithful even when I doubt Him. His love is unfailing, and it's everything I ever dreamed of.

He pursues me with intention and without hesitation. In a crowd of people, He seeks me out. He does not let me wander alone. He does not leave me vulnerable and at the mercy of the world. When I stray, He seeks. And when He finds me, He rejoices, because I am precious to Him.

God offers a love that I, at times, don't know how to accept. It's a love I don't always feel, even though it's real. Right now, I just have to cling to the truth rather than my feelings. I have to cling to these words of scripture and what they reveal about God.

God is the definition of love. Understanding that makes me realize I don't have to enter a new season to have love and safety in my life. It's already here. I just need to start recognizing it.

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When Trusting In God's Love Is Hard

To be honest with you, when you're told to trust the Lord, surrender to Him, seek Him and trust that He will work everything for your good, it can feel deflating or suffocating. For someone like me who struggles with control and trust, who hasn't experienced safe love, but has experienced her fair share of disappointment, what sounds easy to some feels like the test of a lifetime for me. But after days of living in this heaviness, trying to find a way out by my own strength and understanding, the only thing that allowed me to catch my breath were the words--just seek Him.

I don't have all the answers to my questions. I don't have all the desires of my heart. And I am too exhausted to even search for them. The one thing I can do is continue to get to know God through His Word and try to recognize His love and goodness as it presents in my life.

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Sowing & Reaping in Every Season

At this point, I think I'm tired of hearing about seasons. The Single Season. The Surrender Season. The Wilderness Season. The Harvest Season. My brain wants to explode, mostly because I've spent so much time trying to figure out what season I'm in and then how to get out of it.

If you've read my other posts, you know that I've been desiring marriage for a long time. It is the one thing that evades me; the one lack the devil uses to torment and tempt me. And my secret sin is linked to that lack. But marriage is just a word for what I've truly been desiring.

I desire love, companionship, an emotional support system, safety, assurance, physical intimacy, freedom from uncertainty, freedom from sin, freedom from hopelessness and the feelings that tell me I'm not good enough. I seek the day that I don't have to wonder if it will happen for me. I seek the day I no longer have to experience the fluctuations of getting my hopes up and then getting let down. I seek the day I no longer question my worth, because I am chosen.

Yeah, that's a lot. It's not about a wedding or a white dress. It's about healing. For so long, I've viewed marriage to my kingdom spouse as the thing that will heal me. Mostly, I've viewed marriage as the holder of love and it's always felt just out of reach.

My desperation to enter a new season of life isn't just about becoming a wife or even having a family of my own. It's about being made whole. But only God can do that.

Maybe I have been idolizing marriage? At a minimum, I've been expecting marriage, or rather my kingdom spouse, to do God's work. I think I've let myself hold onto that thought, because the alternative puts the pressure back on me--the pressure to be perfect, to be completely healed before being chosen. And that made me feel like I'd never be chosen. But it's not my spouse's job nor mine to heal me.

And so, for now, I will find love, companionship, emotional support, safety, and assurance in the Lord. I will try to remind myself of His goodness and His promises. He has already freed me from sin. He has already declared my worth, even if I forget it.

I will never stop desiring marriage, and I pray that it is in my future--a marriage that will last, a marriage that will reflect God's goodness and His love. But, right now, I just need to breathe and let God do His thing. In some ways, He already is.

There isn't one season for sowing and another for reaping. We are in a constant state of both. Right now, I'm sowing seeds that will lead to my kindgom marriage by letting God refine me into the Godly woman and wife I desire to be. I am sowing seeds of strong faith by confronting the devil's lies with God's truths. I am sowing seeds with my writing for a future harvest I can't even envision. But I am also reaping a harvest I once longed for--Christian friends who provide me with companionship, emotional support, and community; a deeper relationship with the Lord through disciplined study of His word; a clearer vision of how I can use my God-given gift of writing to impact the world; and improved self-control.

I have a longing in my heart for something that is yet to come, but I am also harvesting beautiful things I once hoped for. This season--whatever we want to call it--isn't all bad. It's just not always easy.

And, for tonight, that's where I'll leave you. I wrote this post as a letter to myself, because I know I'll need to revisit these truths in the future. But I do hope you find value in it too. Whatever you're facing, seek the Lord, even when it's not easy, even when you don't trust, even when you doubt. Only good things can come from seeking the Lord.