The Bondage of Distorted Love: How Childhood Wounds Affect Our Relationship With God
A Look Inside The Book: From Wilderness Chapter 1
Bondage—the state of being enslaved, bound, or restrained. When we imagine bondage, images of handcuffs, chains, or ropes may flit through our minds. Or perhaps we envision what we know as slavery, a combination of physical binding and control through fear and threat of bodily harm or death. Many times, the mental control the overseer has over their victim can be so strong that the victim believes slavery is better than freedom. They are trained to believe they deserve such treatment, or even that the treatment itself isn’t so bad. We see this with the Israelites as they fear retaliation from Pharaoh prior to God rescuing them, and again when Pharaoh’s army pursues them toward the Red Sea. And when the discomfort of the wilderness—of freedom—gets to them, we see them long to return to slavery in Egypt. They find comfort in the chains, and so do we—until we don’t.
We find comfort in our addictions, our false comforts, and vices. We find comfort in our sexual conquests. We find comfort in the blanket of lies Satan has wrapped us in, because it’s either all we’ve ever known or it’s all we think is possible. The lie has been normalized. Sin has been normalized. But there is a reason that Jesus’ most performed miracle was healing the blind. There is a reason He cried out on the cross and said, “Forgive them, Father. For they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34 He seeks to heal our spiritual blindness and open our eyes to the invisible chains Satan holds us in.
Lifting the Veil on Childhood Trauma
Each of Satan’s tactics to oppress us and bind us to him in bondage begins by distorting our understanding of love in childhood, both love in interpersonal relationships and the love God has for us.
When we are exposed to conditional or performance-based love and affection, we may feel valued only when achieving or pleasing our authority figures. Additionally, we may experience emotional and physical neglect—the withholding of love, protection, and provision—when we don’t meet their expectations. This exposure teaches us that we must perform to be loved, that our worthiness of love is not innate but determined by the one we hope will love us, that neglect is love, and that it’s normal for love to hurt, harm, or unpredictably disappear. We are conditioned to chase love and accept breadcrumb love. This directly contradicts God’s love—ever-present, freely given—and shatters our worth defined by Christ, who says we are loved and chosen because we are His, not because of our performance.
When we are exposed to caregivers with unprocessed trauma, or are raised in a home where instability, addiction, or rage are present, we learn we must remain in control to survive, which hinders our ability to surrender to God. We are also conditioned to view relationships and environments that make us feel unsafe as normal, which teaches us to find comfort in the bondage God never intended for us. Environments like this not only breed control issues. Where instability is present, abuse easily follows. Often times, the unhealed, unstable parent becomes the abuser—the one who further shatters our perception of self and love with identity wounds and physical wounds.
When our trust has been broken by a caregiver, when we experience physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, are exposed to violence or chronic fear, or are shamed into silence, we are conditioned to believe that we are unworthy of love and acceptance, that we must shrink or hide to be fully accepted or remain safe, that we are powerless and voiceless, that we do not have authority over our bodies or environments, that we cannot trust authority, others, or even God to love and protect us. And perhaps the most harmful lesson we learn when someone we love—someone who says they love us—abuses us is that physical, emotional, or sexual abuse is love/ normal. Yes, our early experiences with love—or what is presented as love—are so powerful in shaping our perception that we can be conditioned to view abuse as love, which makes us more likely to end up in a emotionally, physically or sexually abusive relationship.
What Satan presents as normal in childhood becomes the mental and emotional framework we carry with us into adulthood. It becomes our bondage. But what Satan tries to pass off as love is nothing but a lie. In the age of social media, lies about love, worth, and identity are even easier to spread. When we are taught our worth is tied to beauty, thinness, sexual desirability, wealth, or status, we learn our value is determined by how we are perceived by others. This triggers us to chase the validation of others by conforming to the societal expectations of this world, which is the direct opposite of what Scripture tells us to do.
For women, this may look like adopting Satan’s lens and viewing yourself as a sexual object rather than a woman of God. With the prominence of the hyper-sexualization and objectification of women—which often begins when we are still children—it’s easy for us to believe that selling or exploiting our bodies is the only way to attain the love we desire. But the love we truly desire—the love God designed us to receive—was never meant to strip us, but cover us. In this, you can see that Satan’s distortion extends beyond our understanding of what love is, but also influences our beliefs on how we attain love. For men, Satan’s influence may manifest in the constant pursuit of more—more money, more women, more sex, more houses, more cars, more everything—except God.
For both men and women, the pursuit of Satan’s false love leaves us feeling empty, and naturally, we seek to fill our emptiness. But when we’re pursuing a false love, we’re also seeking false comforts. We may use food for emotional regulation, which can lead to other forms of bondage such as illness, limited mobility, an inability to show-up for our children, and even mental health struggles. We may escape through fantasy, substances, or pornography. Escaping through drugs and alcohol not only harms ourselves but can make us a danger to others. And viewing pornography only makes us further adopt Satan’s view of mankind, that we—or they—are nothing but flesh to be played with. Further buying into the lies, we may use achievement to numb our pain or mistake sexual attention for love and affection.
The lie creates the bondage, and the bondage leaves us in search of relief. But until we know who to call out to for relief—the way the Israelites did while held in Egypt—we continue to live in a state of captivity with false comforts.
Satan’s Scheme
1. Teach them to view love as conditional, performance-based, or withheld so they’re in constant pursuit of the one thing they already have, or…
2. Condition them to view love as unsafe and abusive, so that love (God) is the last thing they’ll seek.
3. Teach them hyper-vigilance, hyper-independence, and shackle them with trust-issues, so they struggle to surrender to the One who can love them and teach them how to love others.
4. Teach them no one is coming to save them—even though the Savior already died for them.
5. Provide them with false comforts that continue to pull them away from God and make them believe bondage is freedom.
6. Make sin feel normal, comfortable, or fun. Make freedom in Christ feel strange, painful, boring, or unattainable.
7. Make them hate God.
When Our View of God Is Distorted
“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.” 1 John 4:16
Scripture reveals God is love, so when our experiences with love leave us feeling unsafe, God also feels unsafe. When love is unreliable, God feels unreliable. When an authority figure is cold, harsh, degrading, distant, or violent towards us, we subconsciously believe that our Father in Heaven is the same way. But Satan’s distortion of love—of God—is not limited to what he does outside the church. Satan continues the attack within the body of believers, within the house of worship.
Let’s say we had the perfect childhood or at least, a pretty healthy one. We felt genuinely loved by our parents. All of our needs were provided for. We had a safe home, were protected from harmful influences and violence, were emotionally supported, and we even spent every Sunday on the church pew. Our parents did everything right, but our pastor, church leaders, or Christian community failed us—not because they’re evil, but because they’re human.
When rules are emphasized more than relationship, when your closeness to Christ or salvation is judged by your behavioral compliance, when spiritual maturity is expected rather than cultivated, when fear drives obedience rather than love, our walk with God feels burdensome rather than empowering and freeing.
When every sermon ends with the threat of eternal damnation, you may be left in a state of constant fear and uncertainty. When God is portrayed as an angry judge rather than a loving Father, when His Word is misrepresented and used to control or condemn, you may feel like God set you up to fail.
When authority is misused in God’s name to intimidate or silence, when leaders demand unquestioned obedience, the church may feel unsafe, thus driving a wedge between you and God.
When shame is offered instead of compassion in the face of struggle and sin, when condemnation is offered instead of loving correction, when what is said in confidence is exposed and used as a teaching tool for others, you may associate God as having the same hurtful and untrustworthy characteristics.
When natural desires and curiosity are shamed inside the church and in your home, when you’re taught to hate or hide your body, when your questions about sex are met with silence, shame, or fear, you learn to carry your questions and desires in secret, making them easily exploited by Satan.
“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3
“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
Scripture contradicts every lie Satan teaches us about love.
Satan’s counterfeit love teaches us that love:
• is earned through performance or perfection
• is withdrawn when you fail
• is rooted in control, power, or possession
• produces a fear of abandonment
• produces jealousy, insecurity, and comparison
• seeks to consume rather than cherish
• is based on what you can provide, rather than what each of us were created to receive
• is intensity over intimacy
• creates emotional highs followed by emptiness
• leaves you feeling unseen, unworthy, replaceable, or used
• requires you to abandon yourself
God’s love:
• is freely given, not earned
• is steadfast even in our failures and unfaithfulness
• is rooted in selflessness and sacrifice, not control
• produces security and peace
• is anchored in grace, not performance
• seeks to cherish, restore, and redeem
• is something we were created to receive
• forms deep identity and belonging
• provides a true understanding of intimacy
• is consistent and unchanging
• leads to freedom, not bondage
• brings you back to yourself and true abundance
But what happens when we think God doesn’t love us? When we think God Himself has abandoned us or failed us? The final way Satan attacks us is through loss. Regardless of our age or level of spiritual maturity, when we lose a loved one, we can’t help but ask why? We can’t help but to feel the anguish of lost love. We can’t help but to feel tested and betrayed by God, since believers know he holds the keys to life and death.
While physical death of a loved one is the most painful loss we may face, the sensation of loss is not limited to mortality. It can extend to any prayer we feel went unanswered, any lack we continue to face. When Satan can’t get us to question or deny God’s power and authority, He exploits it. He makes us hate God for not using His power and authority—for not loving us enough—to give us what we want. And when we feel abandoned by God, we—like the Israelites—abandon Him. But the truth is, God never abandons us.
“By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light…Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people.” Exodus 13:21-22
“Be strong and courageous…for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast…? Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:15-16
“If we are faithless, He remains faithful.” 2 Timothy 2:13
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? …even there your hand will guide me.” Psalm 139:7-10
“Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20
“I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. ‘A little while longer and the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will live also. At that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you.” John 14:18-20
From the garden to exile to His walk with the patriarchs to reaching Hagar in the wilderness to the burning bush to the fire and the cloud to Jesus Himself and the Holy Spirit after Him, God has always dwelt with man regardless of how His presence manifests, regardless of our doubt, disobedience, or faithlessness.
Understanding this can be one of the greatest gifts and greatest spiritual hurdles when we come to know God.
It can be a struggle to look back at what we’ve endured and question why God allowed such things. But it can be a blessing when we understand that the Lord is not the one who torments us. He is the one who helps us endure Satan’s torment. That is not to say that the Lord doesn’t test us, but His tests are not Satan’s tests. His tests are not born from an evil heart. His tests seek to heal us from Satan’s bondage and teach us dependence on Him, which leads to true freedom and satisfaction. An example of this comes from Exodus 16.
“Then the Lord said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way, I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions.” Exodus 16:4
The Lord tested the Israelites by telling them to take enough food only for the day with the promise that He would provide again the next day. He provided manna in the morning and quail in the evening. In comparison, Satan tests the loyalty and devotion of his followers by requiring child sacrifice and self-harm rituals.
“And they have built the high places of Tophet, which is in the Valley of the Son of Hinnom, to burn their sons and their daughters in the fire, which I did not command, nor did it come into My heart.” Jeremiah 7:31
“So they cried aloud, and cut themselves, as was their custom, with knives and lances, until the blood gushed out on them.” 1 Kings 18:28
When our perception of love is distorted and our understanding of God is tainted by Satan’s lies and the trauma we’ve endured, it is difficult for us to surrender to God and trust Him. It is difficult for us to love Him. We, like the Israelites, carry a slave mentality with us even after being rescued from Egypt. This is why the wilderness journey is so uncomfortable—it is the process of rewiring our brains to receive love and give love as God intended it. It is an essential part in reaching the abundance God has promised us.
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