Yesterday, I decided to stop at a coffee shop after the gym for a little Bible time and their seasonal Apple Cider. It was then that I discovered a journal I didn't even realize was in my car. There was only one entry dated just over three months ago and then it all came back to me. I remembered sitting at Starbucks writing down the key topics I was struggling with. Authority. Doubt. Trust. Submission. Hope. I was asking myself questions like: Do I trust God to have authority over my life? Do I trust His plans for me? Are they really good? How can I submit to a husband if I can't even submit to God? How do I have hope when I'm wrestling with so much doubt? I'd ended my entry with a prayer that God would help me trust Him, that He would teach me how to submit and feel safe. And so, instead of writing something new in my journal, I took the time yesterday to reflect on how I feel about those topics now. To my surprise, my latest reflection went something like this. I do trust God's authority over my life. His plans for me are good. I know that God is protecting me and He loves me. I know it's safe for me to submit to Him. I know that waiting on the Lord is not in vain. I trust that at the right time He will bring the right person. And in the meantime, He is doing a good work in me. I no longer resent the waiting even when impatience and loneliness gets to me. God is the source of my hope. Without Him, there would be nothing to hope in or for. As I wrote these words in my journal, I felt a sense of calm, almost like an exhale because I knew they were true. I wasn't just saying pretty words to make myself sound healed. I'd been living out those pretty words for weeks if not months. Just the day before, someone struck up a conversation with me at the gym. While this person meant well, certain things she said stood to be triggers for me--or fiery darts as our pastor would say. It began with, "You're 31 with no kids? I didn't even know that was an option." She explained that we were the same age and when she was younger, she thought the only option was to rush. She'd never been single in her life and had her first baby at 20. She said she was envious of my childfree life--in a way that mom's can understand. She's not saying I wish I didn't have kids. She's saying, I wish I could go home to a clean, empty house where no one needs me for a day. I told her, "We all want what we don't have." And that's when I opened up about wanting to be married and have kids, and I hoped I met someone before my biological clock stopped ticking. She said: "You're so beautiful, I doubt you have any issues getting approached. When was the last time you went on a date?" As I answered, "Nope, I don't really get approached. My last relationship ended about six years ago and I haven't dated since," she was shocked. Her response: "Well, that's got to be hard. I mean we were made for connection. You're a woman. You have needs." And I was like, "Yep. But I trust at the right time, the Lord will bring the right person." It was nice for her to acknowledge that being single for a prolonged period of time is hard and physical needs don't just magically appear after you say, "I do." I am a 30+ woman. I know how my body works. What it needs. And yes, it's hard to go without. It's also hard to feel like every menstrual cycle and every birthday means one less chance of having a baby. But those are the fiery darts, the subtle attacks from the devil meant to set our hearts ablaze so that we collapse to doubt. Doubt is the opposite of hope. Hope is a spirit of expectancy and a state of peace, because we know who our hope rests in. I was able to shut down this triggering conversation with the statement "I trust..." But my ability to trust in the Lord and place my hope in the Lord did not just happen. And my devotional today reminded me of that. "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope." Psalm 130:5 God's Word is the source of our hope. And so, I wrote in my journal a three-pronged approach to hope. Step 1: Knowledge and understanding of God Step 2: Trust in God Step 3: Hope in God Our ability to hope in God is directly connected to our ability to trust Him. And our ability to trust God is directly connected to our knowledge and understanding of Him and His heart. We cannot trust someone we don't know nor can we place our hope in them. The more we understand who God is and how He loves us, the more we understand His word as truth, the more we trust Him and His goodness, the easier it is to place our hope in Him. Believing in God's goodness and trusting His plans for me are good took me a very long time. It's something that God has been trying to reveal to me and heal in me for years, and something I feel I've finally accepted. God's plans are good. Truly accepting that allows me--on the hard days--to look at my life and the woman that God has restored and see His goodness, even when I'm still waiting for certain good things. And, for the record, I do not believe I'm waiting for nothing. For many years, I did. I questioned if God had written marriage as part of my story. I no longer question it. I know God's heart well enough to know He desires marriage for me. I see the work He's doing in me to prepare me to be not only His daughter but someone's wife. And He's given me certain confirmations, certain glimmers of hope that remind me it will happen one day. Remain faithful. And while motherhood may still feel like a question mark simply because of my age, I believe wholeheartedly that if it is God's will for me to be a mother, it will happen regardless of my age. He is the author of time and the preserver of my body. He has the authority and in the meantime, I will steward my body well in preparation for both marriage and motherhood. With all of this said, I see the value in the past six years of singleness. I see the value of getting comfortable living alone, of reclaiming my health, of having the freedom to become the woman and woman of God He has called me to be. I see the value of getting to travel, of getting to make friends that aren't filtered through someone else. I see the value in being able to devote as much time as I want to to my church and my other passions. I see the value of the wilderness, of the waiting, of singleness. I see the value of my season. And what I've realized is... There will always be another season. Getting married is a change in season, but it is not the last season. For many years, I held the belief that it was. The day you get married is the day everything changes and your life becomes solely about your husband and your children. But one of the things God has revealed to me through this season of waiting is that your life, my life, is bigger than marriage. He has purposes beyond that for me, and honestly, for each of us. And even after you get married, you may face another season of being alone. I see that in my grandma, in my mom, in my aunt. A marriage certificate is not a guarentee to have companionship for the rest of your life. And so, I value the time I have now to make friends, to build community, to find myself and where I belong, because even after I get married, there will be a use for this community and sense of belonging. And there may be a time when I have to rely on them again just as I will continue to have to rely on God throughout every season. I think that's the biggest lesson God has been teaching me is how to rely on Him, because once you feel the peace of submitting to Him, it's not something you ever want to give up. It does make the waiting easier, and it also reveals to me how to better steward every relationship that comes my way. But that is a different post. In closing, don't let discouragement or the words of others create a doubt in you that God never authored. We all have trigger points. We all have those places in us that ache and when someone presses just right, we hurt even when hurting us is the last thing they wanted to do. Do not let the doubt and discouragement fester. Shut it down with words of hope, words of truth, words from God. Because His word is true. His word is the anchor of our hope. His word is our foundation and the source of our peace. If you're waiting for something specific, find peace in knowing the journey is just as important as the destination. There is a time and place for everything under the sun and the season will change. The Lord will give you the desires of your heart if you continue to trust and seek Him. This word is true not because God is withholding from you, not because you have to prove your faithfulness to God before being blessed, but because God knows that continuing to seek Him is the only way to continue to trust Him and to maintain hopefulness in a world that seeks to make us hopeless.

What better kind of procrastination is there than prayer? I'm supposed to be working on my new romance novel right now, but before I got started, I decided to journal. And for me, journaling often leads to prayer. Today's topics? Marriage and ministry. These are the two topics I pray about often because I'm passionate about preparing for both. I want God to lead me in both areas. But today I wondered, have I actually asked God how He wants to use me for His kingdom? I know what my gifts are: writing, speaking, singing, authenticity that helps me connect with people, cooking and baking, hosting, and loving. And I've dreamed up many micro-ministries over the last few months that employ these gifts, like baking for friends and neighbors as an act of love and hosting a ladies prayer group. These are small additions to the larger ministry I feel God calling me to which is using my gift of writing to spread truth, hope, and love. And I can see doors that those written words will open--speaking opportunities, expanded platforms that help me reach more people on behalf of the kingdom. But... As my brain is sorting through all the options and trying to connect the dots--from personal to professional ministry--I was reminded of a verse I read just yesterday. "You are the light of the world...let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14+16 And that's when it hit me. Your ministry is bigger than what you accomplish. Before we go any further, let's dissect the word ministry. Many people associate this term only with organized churches, but the actual definition of the word is "an act of service or a specific area in religion or government." Every believer has the call to ministry, because every believer has the call to serve the kingdom. And every believer is equipped in specific and unique ways to do just that. "O Lord, how manifold are your works! In wisdom have you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures." Psalm 104:24 The Lord has crafted each of us and given each of us unique personalities and gifts that allow us to step into different dark corners of the world and be the light in each one. Our gifts may point us in a particular ministry direction whether that is speaking, writing, creating music, crafting works with our hands, teaching, coaching, being in healthcare or law enforcement. But, despite where our gifts lead us, our greatest ministry will always be in being the light of the world, in being the smile or hug or prayer that person needed. Jobs, even careers and passions, have a clock. We clock-in and we clock-out. But we never clock-out of kingdom work. We never clock-out of being the light. It's the little things we do each day, the little acts of love we offer to all who we encounter that is our greatest ministry. And so, I encourage you and myself to focus not only on what we can accomplish for the kingdom but who we are as we accomplish.

"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person." Colossians 4:6 This morning, my devotional pulled from Colossians in a week-long study on grace. The topic today was grace in relationships. The English teacher in me went on a deep-dive of context clues. Graceful speech is seasoned with salt. But what is the salt the scripture is referring to? In Matthew 5:13, Jesus says, "You are the salt of the earth," when referring to His followers. This was part of His Sermon On The Mount. He said: 3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.5 Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.7 Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Salt and Light 13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Salt is godly wisdom and understanding that comes from seeking the Lord and His truth. We see certain phrases and descriptions used in Matthew 5 before Jesus ever says, "YOU are the salt of the earth." those who hunger and thirst for righteousness those who are merciful those who are pure in heart those who are the peacemakers Believers know we are incapable of being any of these things without Jesus and His Holy Spirit. When we seek His Word, hungering and thirsting for righteousness and truth, His Word becomes the soil our heart is planted in. And what is planted, grows. We are indwelled with His Holy Spirit and we begin to demonstrate the fruit of the spirit. We become more gracious, merciful, pure, and choose peace over chaos. We become the salt of the earth. When you understand the usefulness of salt, the metaphor becomes even more revealing. Salt is used in flavoring, preservation, baking and curing, first aid, cleaning, gardening, and even in chemical production, de-icing, and water softening. There are many ways salt can be used that all lead to the preservation of the body and of the home. We are most familiar with the use of salt in the kitchen. Salt preserves, inhibits spoilage. Salt preserves what would otherwise decay. Godly wisdom likewise preserves mankind in a corrupted world. Referring back to Colossians: When we understand the Word of God, we preserve our saltiness, and our ability to preserve mankind by answering every person with truth. When we know the truth, we are able to spread the truth. When we lose sight of the truth or no longer seek the truth--we lose our saltiness or effectiveness. And Jesus says, once salt has lost its flavor, it is no longer good for anything. Obviously, we know we can return to the source of the salt. We can return to Jesus and He will renew us. He will make us effective again, because He was the One who did it in the first place. But the metaphor still rings true, that without Jesus, we lose our effectiveness to spread the gospel, to speak truth, to be the salt of the earth. There are many references of salt in the Bible, but I want to close with one from 2 Kings 2:19-22. Elisha throws salt into a bad spring, and God heals the water so that it no longer causes death or bareness. "Thus says the Lord, I have healed the water." We still use salt today to kill bacteria and soothe a sore throat. Gargling salt water is often recommended to prevent illness and is an effective, budget-friendly way to thin or clear mucus, prevent infection, reduce inflammation, etc. Salt is healing, just like the Word of God is. When Jesus calls His followers the salt of the earth, He is essentially saying you now--through Me--have the wisdom and understanding to heal the world. Sometimes, like salt in an open wound, healing speech stings. Proverbs 27:6 reveals, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend." Proverbs 12:18 says, "There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Being the salt of the earth isn't just about having godly wisdom and understanding. It's about being gracious in your delivery of wisdom that your words may heal rather than condemn. And that is where I leave you. Go be the salt of the earth. Go speak healing truth with grace. Go be the light in the world that draws others to the Father. 🤍