SEARCH RESULTS

I didn't know there would be a part two to my Struggles In Surrender post, but I've spent the past couple of days processing, and I have more to share. Hopefully, by the end of this post everything won't feel so heavy. In my battle with old wounds, feeling disconnected from myself, and struggling to trust God, I came up with a list of things I need to fix. Why? Because it's been ingrained in me that I have to be fixed to be blessed, to be loved. So, I made it my mission to figure out everything I need to do to leave this season behind and enter the next one, the one that hopefully includes the love I've been yearning for. And that has only amplified the heaviness I feel, because deep down, I know I can't fix myself. I know I'll never be perfect. Feeling like I am the problem, like there's something wrong with me, like every failure delays my blessings, like God's goodness is based on my performance, pricks the core wound from my childhood, deepens my shame and sadness, allows the hopelessness to resurface, and makes me angry at God. The old lie has risen that makes me feel like I was set up to fail, because perfection is beyond my capabilities. I realize I've been striving instead of surrendering. When everything got heavy, my old thoughts, patterns, and wounds presented. I was resting in God's truth. I was standing strong in surrender. But my default got triggered, and I went back into survival mode, which makes me feel like it's my responsibility to fix everything. But it's not. God is the healer, the fixer, the refiner, the lover, the guardian. I can lay down my burdens at His feet and He will pick them up. That's what surrendering to Him is all about--trusting Him to take care of you. But all the knowledge of Him in the world doesn't mean it's easy to walk by faith. At times, I still find it hard to let go of control, to surrender, to trust Him even though He's trustworthy, even though He's good and faithful, even though I know He is writing a better story for me than I ever could. I know the truth, but walking in it is different. I have questions and no answers. I don't know how to trust fully, rest peacefully, feel His love, let go of my shame when I fail, or reclaim my purity without failure. I just don't. But I also don't have to figure it out. I don't have to have the perfect Bible study plan, or have a perfectly thought-through checklist for healing. All I have to do is seek Him, and let Him do the work in me. That's where I ended my processing. Just seek Him. But that's not where I end my post. Even In My Failure, I Am... Still Chosen "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will." Ephesians 1:4-5 "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9 "For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable." Romans 11:29 Even when I question my worth, His choice still stands. It's not based on my performance. It's anchored in who He is and who He says I am. Still Loved "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39 "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3 "Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep." Psalm 36:5-7 I can't out-sin or out-struggle God's love for me. God's love is not a feeling toward me. It's His identity. I was created to be loved by Him, to love Him, and be the reflection of His to the world. I was created to be His daughter, His family. He delights in our relationship. Even in the tension between faith and doubt, His love is steady--unchanging and surrounding me like oxygen. Still Pursued "Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn't he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulder." Luke 15:4-5 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14 God does not abandon us in our heartbreak or hardship. He never abandons us at all. He constantly seeks us out, even when we are unfaithful to Him. The Book of Hosea presents a love story between Hosea and an unfaithful woman. The love story illustrates God's love for His people, a people who at times are unfaithful. Even in unfaithfulness, God pursues us. He brings us to a quiet place, a place of stillness, where we may hear Him. And when He does, He does not scold us, but speaks tenderly to us. I think that's what's been happening between He and I the past few days. I desire to cling to God with all my strength, but when I have nothing left--when I'm weak, when I doubt Him--He's still holding onto me. He isn't letting me go. He will sustain our relationship in the time it takes me to seek Him again. God Is The Love I've Been Seeking I write this post mostly for myself, as a comprised testament of my struggle and the truth I'm sure I'll need reminding of again. We are told God is love . It's a literal verse in 1 John, one I just wrote about last week. But I've never identified God as the love I've been seeking, not until tonight. I think it's because the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, God's ultimate demonstration of love for humanity, feels so divine. It is so divine that it doesn't feel relatable. It is a love I haven't yet learned how to identify with. What resonates as love for me, a love that feels real, a love that is exactly what I've always hoped for, is a man who still chooses me even when I'm not easy to choose, even when I push him away. He chooses me even when I'm difficult. And his unwavering choice makes me feel safe to trust him. Oh, to be loved like that, and God does love me exactly like that. He loves me enough to say I am good on my worst day. He loves me enough to not let anything or anyone, including myself, separate us. He created me to be His. How beautiful is that? He wanted me enough to create me. He loves me enough to remain faithful even when I doubt Him. His love is unfailing, and it's everything I ever dreamed of. He pursues me with intention and without hesitation. In a crowd of people, He seeks me out. He does not let me wander alone. He does not leave me vulnerable and at the mercy of the world. When I stray, He seeks. And when He finds me, He rejoices, because I am precious to Him. God offers a love that I, at times, don't know how to accept. It's a love I don't always feel, even though it's real. Right now, I just have to cling to the truth rather than my feelings. I have to cling to these words of scripture and what they reveal about God. God is the definition of love. Understanding that makes me realize I don't have to enter a new season to have love and safety in my life. It's already here. I just need to start recognizing it. When Trusting In God's Love Is Hard To be honest with you, when you're told to trust the Lord, surrender to Him, seek Him and trust that He will work everything for your good, it can feel deflating or suffocating. For someone like me who struggles with control and trust, who hasn't experienced safe love, but has experienced her fair share of disappointment, what sounds easy to some feels like the test of a lifetime for me. But after days of living in this heaviness, trying to find a way out by my own strength and understanding, the only thing that allowed me to catch my breath were the words-- just seek Him. I don't have all the answers to my questions. I don't have all the desires of my heart. And I am too exhausted to even search for them. The one thing I can do is continue to get to know God through His Word and try to recognize His love and goodness as it presents in my life. Sowing & Reaping in Every Season At this point, I think I'm tired of hearing about seasons . The Single Season. The Surrender Season. The Wilderness Season. The Harvest Season. My brain wants to explode, mostly because I've spent so much time trying to figure out what season I'm in and then how to get out of it. If you've read my other posts, you know that I've been desiring marriage for a long time. It is the one thing that evades me; the one lack the devil uses to torment and tempt me. And my secret sin is linked to that lack. But marriage is just a word for what I've truly been desiring. I desire love, companionship, an emotional support system, safety, assurance, physical intimacy, freedom from uncertainty, freedom from sin, freedom from hopelessness and the feelings that tell me I'm not good enough . I seek the day that I don't have to wonder if it will happen for me. I seek the day I no longer have to experience the fluctuations of getting my hopes up and then getting let down. I seek the day I no longer question my worth, because I am chosen. Yeah, that's a lot. It's not about a wedding or a white dress. It's about healing. For so long, I've viewed marriage to my kingdom spouse as the thing that will heal me. Mostly, I've viewed marriage as the holder of love and it's always felt just out of reach. My desperation to enter a new season of life isn't just about becoming a wife or even having a family of my own. It's about being made whole. But only God can do that. Maybe I have been idolizing marriage? At a minimum, I've been expecting marriage, or rather my kingdom spouse, to do God's work. I think I've let myself hold onto that thought, because the alternative puts the pressure back on me--the pressure to be perfect, to be completely healed before being chosen. And that made me feel like I'd never be chosen. But it's not my spouse's job nor mine to heal me. And so, for now, I will find love, companionship, emotional support, safety, and assurance in the Lord. I will try to remind myself of His goodness and His promises. He has already freed me from sin. He has already declared my worth, even if I forget it. I will never stop desiring marriage, and I pray that it is in my future--a marriage that will last, a marriage that will reflect God's goodness and His love. But, right now, I just need to breathe and let God do His thing. In some ways, He already is. There isn't one season for sowing and another for reaping. We are in a constant state of both. Right now, I'm sowing seeds that will lead to my kindgom marriage by letting God refine me into the Godly woman and wife I desire to be. I am sowing seeds of strong faith by confronting the devil's lies with God's truths. I am sowing seeds with my writing for a future harvest I can't even envision. But I am also reaping a harvest I once longed for--Christian friends who provide me with companionship, emotional support, and community; a deeper relationship with the Lord through disciplined study of His word; a clearer vision of how I can use my God-given gift of writing to impact the world; and improved self-control. I have a longing in my heart for something that is yet to come, but I am also harvesting beautiful things I once hoped for. This season--whatever we want to call it--isn't all bad. It's just not always easy. And, for tonight, that's where I'll leave you. I wrote this post as a letter to myself, because I know I'll need to revisit these truths in the future. But I do hope you find value in it too. Whatever you're facing, seek the Lord, even when it's not easy, even when you don't trust, even when you doubt. Only good things can come from seeking the Lord.

Today's post is a little different from my typical Woman In The Word content. My blog is centered on two things: my journey through God's Word and my journey as a woman finding her way home to God. Today's post is more personal, an inside look into my journey, my struggles, the spiritual attacks I've been facing, and the shame I still battle. This post is more for me than for you, but I hope by sharing my story, you'll feel comforted in knowing you're not alone. I'm not perfect. I'm in the trenches of surrender. Wherever you are, I'm right there with you. Let's do this together. This past week has been hard. As much as I've engrossed myself in God's Word, embedded His truths in me, and rebuked the lies the devil has poured into me, I could only hold my ground for so long before the hopelessness tried to take root again. But what happened this week is so much bigger than the past seven days, so I'm going to back up to the beginning. My struggles began in childhood, in a home that was God-fearing but not God-centered, with parents who loved me, but were unhealed and, at times, emotionally abusive. I was often met with criticism, isolation, and physical punishment instead of love, mercy, grace, and correction rooted in kindness rather than control. I bring all of this up now not to bash my parents, who I love, but to reveal how my strict, authoritarian, emotionally neglectful childhood is still impacting my relationship with the Lord today. There was a hole in my heart, a void I was seeking to fill once I left home. I wanted love, but I wasn't equipped to choose someone who could love me. I wasn't equipped, not only because of the issues I'd faced with my parents, but because I'd never felt God's love for me. I wasn't taught how to feel loved by Him, how to have relationship with Him. I was taught to fear Him, much like I was taught to fear my parents. The fear, guilt, and shame surrounding my upbringing, both in the church and outside of it, is what led me to separate from the church, and seek love from unreliable, ill-equipped sources rather than from God. Because, to me, God did not represent love or kindness. God represented fear, shame, guilt, and control--all the things I was trying to escape. For many years, I sought love more than I sought God. In fact, there were many years that I wasn't seeking God at all. Though, deep down, I always knew I'd find my way back to Him. I always knew I wanted a relationship with Him. I always knew that I wanted to raise my kids to know Him. I wanted to be that family in church. I wanted to have a happy marriage, a Godly marriage, even though I didn't know how to get there. I could see the vision, but not the path. I wanted something I wasn't equipped to have. My relationships never began with God, but I always tried to bring God into them after the fact, which didn't work. There was this tug-of-war between who I was and who I wanted to be, between who they were and who I wanted them to be. 1 Corinthians 13, the Love Chapter, has been my standard for loving since I was a child, but it wasn't the standard for those who I wanted to love me. So, I ended up giving way too much to people who couldn't reciprocate the depth of my love. This led to more hurt, abandonment, and broken boundaries in dating. It's like my romantic relationships were replays of the toxic patterns of my childhood. Through therapy, healthy boundaries with my family, trial-and-error in dating, spending time in God's Word, and finally surrendering to His ways, I have healed so many of my old wounds and let go of unhealthy patterns and practices. I still desire love, but I'm not desperatly chasing it. I understand that not everyone has the same definition of love as I do, and it will be a rare man who is equipped to be my husband. I understand that Godly boundaries in dating are there to protect me, and I'm not willing to break those boundaries or my relationship with the Lord to find comfort in a man or marriage. I also realize that marriage / being chosen by a man isn't going to heal me the way I once thought it would. Only God can heal me. Only God can give me the true unconditional love I've been yearning for my entire life. But... This past week has shown me parts of me are still unhealed. There are wounds that are so deeply buried inside me, I didn't realize they were there. Baptism of Surrender On Wednesday, November 5, 2025, I was baptized for the second time. After seeking the Lord without ceasing for a year and a half, reading His Word consistently, finding my church home, feeling His presence in my life, finding comfort in Him, and surrendering to His ways, I decided to honor my journey and Him with a public profession of not just faith but surrender. I was eight-years-old when I was first baptized and it was a baptism of faith. I believed in God, our Father in Heaven, and that He sent His Son, Jesus, to die for our sins. I believed. I had faith in His existence. But I hadn't yet faced temptation. I hadn't been tested and tried. I hadn't faced the challenges of life that would require me to make a choice to either follow Him or abandon Him for the ways of the world. I spent most of my twenties being more a friend to the world than a friend to God, despite the emotional tug-of-war I always felt. Our pastor described baptism as a symbol of death and resurrection. The water doesn't represent cleansing. The blood of Jesus Christ is what cleanses you. The water submersion symbolizes being buried, putting to death your old life, your old ways, and being born again. That exact reason is why I wanted to get baptized again. I'd felt like I'd already put my old ways to death and I wanted to seal my rebirth with a public profession of surrender. Anticipating my baptism caused the old wounds of my childhood and the voice of the devil to resurface. Leading up to it, I thought to myself: Okay, this is it. You can never sin again or else this is useless. Are you really ready for it? Are you really ready to never sin again? Deep down, I knew these thoughts were not from God and I didn't let them stop me from getting baptized. But...the pressure to be perfect was weighing on me. And while the baptism was beautiful and exciting, the very next day, I felt heavy--heavy with the pressure to be perfect, heavy with thoughts of that one secret sin that held me in shame for so long, heavy with the hopelessness I thought I'd let go of. Spiritual Attacks In Surrender My greatest struggle in life has been my unmet desire to be loved. This is the area the devil has attacked me the most. First, by creating an environment where healthy love was not given, hardwiring my brain for conditional or performance-based love. Then, by presenting counterfeits that led to broken boundaries, heartbreak, perverted sexual desires, and shame. And, in my current single season, the devil's greatest weapon of choice has been hopelessness stemming from lies. The lies tell me this season will never end. I can't trust God to give me a husband; I have to take matters into my own hands. I can't trust God with my desires. God is punishing me because of my past. What is the point in trying to reclaim my purity if I'm never going to get married? You're wrong for desiring love. Your desire for marriage is an idol. Every time you fail, you're delaying your blessing. You can't get married until you're perfect. I could go on and on. Even writing those statements feels heavy. I still carry the weight of them even though I know the scriptures that defeat every lie. Those lies took hold of me in the days following my baptism. Isn't it just like the devil to try to ruin a good thing? I know I can trust God with my desires. I know God wants good things for me, including marriage . I know God doesn't expect me to be perfect. If it were possible for humans to be perfect, He wouldn't have sent His Son to die for us. I know it's impossible for me to never sin again, even though I don't want to sin. I know that this season of singleness, loneliness, and suppression will end, even when it feels like it won't. As my old thoughts and feelings arose, I knew the devil was trying to drive a wedge between me and God. Still, it didn't stop me from getting angry at God, from crying out to Him in despair, from feeling like my prayers were going unanswered. It didn't stop the mistrust from rising again. The truth of God's Word didn't spare me from that moment of heartache and hopelessness, even though it has ultimately saved me from it. Surrendering to the Lord presents a new kind of pressure even though surrendering to Him is a kind of freedom unlike any other. We surrender to Him because we love Him and we accept His love for us. We acknowledge His ways are better. They protect us from harm. His Spirit frees us from the bondage of sin and the promise of death. And through Jesus Christ, we are granted an unbreakable relationship with the Father in Heaven, which is where ultimate fulfillment lies. But... Jesus tells us that following Him will not come without opposition. And mankind's greatest opposition is and has always been Satan. Satan does not hesitate to attack when you are making spiritual leaps. Our sermon on Sunday actually addressed this very thing. My pastor said, "the enemy challenges the seed the second it is planted." Imagine you've planted a garden, but when your plants don't sprout the very next day, you think the seed is worthless and you dig it up from the soil. Well, now that the seed has been removed, it won't grow into anything. Whereas, if you'd left it in the soil--been patient and nurtured it--it would eventually produce a harvest. When we're planting seeds of hope and truth in our heart through God's Word, Satan comes running to rip those seeds from the soil of our heart before they can be fully implanted, before they become stable inside us. That's exactly what he tried to do to me. As much time as I spend in my Bible, I'm still new to the study of God's Word. My relationship with the Lord, my trust in Him, and my surrender to Him is all still new. Satan is trying to get me to break up with God before my faith has a chance to become stronger. And while Satan did not win and will not win, he did get to me, and that revealed the wounds I still need to heal. Even though I have surrendered my life and my desires to the Lord, I am still struggling to accept love I don't have to earn. I am struggling to trust God with my future and with resting in His faithfulness and goodness. I am still struggling to have grace for myself and accept God's mercy. I am struggling with the pressure to be perfect, with the pressure of purity. I am struggling with shame in failure. I am struggling with guarding my mind and heart against the devil's lies. I am struggling with holy femininity, with feeling like a woman who is fully alive while single and abstaining from all sexual acts. (Woman) In The Word It is hard being a woman. And while I know men have their own challenges, I can only speak from my experiences. I am a woman seeking God's presence more than anything else, and yet, I am still a woman. I still have urges and desires, desires not only for love, but for connection, touch, sex. And, as a woman trying to reclaim her purity, I've felt like I have to abandon my womanhood just to do that. I literally cried out to God in anger, in despair, saying, "What is the point of me being here? What is the point of me being a woman? What is the point of me having this body if I'm not allowed to use it, explore it, feel at home in it?" It feels like I have this body that I'm not allowed to touch. I have to wait for my husband to tell me it's okay, and that's wrong on many levels. Not to mention, that ideology only makes me crave marriage even more. Marriage has felt like this key that will unlock the full experience of being a human and the full beauty of being a woman. And, even though some would say that's dangerously close to making marriage an idol, I still feel that way. But I can't control when I am blessed with my kingdom spouse. So, what do I do in the meantime? How do I find peace in the singleness? How do I feel fully alive, fully in my femininity while single and abstinent? For me, the bedroom was a place the devil liked to play--both physically and mentally. So, even though I tried to reclaim my sexuality without the devil's influences, I couldn't stomach the shame that always came right after I did. So, I decided to pursue purity. This was almost two months ago, which is probably around the time I truly surrendered to the Lord. For me, masturbation is that secret sin, the one thing I do in private that I feel creates distance between me and God. So, I gave it up. In those two months, I abstained from everything that could possibly arouse me. I've given up the books I used to read and am changing the way I write romance so that my own words don't become temptations. I'm changing the music I listen to. I'm mindful of the television I watch. And all those things have come pretty easily. The thing that was the kicker is the lack of physical touch whatsoever. I wasn't living in fear of arousal, but I was living in intentional disregard and denial of my flesh. Getting out of the shower, I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror while naked. I would be careful not to accidentally graze anything sensitive. I was denying myself of everything, even innocent and loving touch. First, because I'm still learning what that even is. Second, because I didn't want it to turn into something else. But after two months of denying my flesh, I felt like I was dying. My need for touch didn't come from a place of lust. It came from a place of needing to feel alive, to feel like a woman, to feel connected to myself. I didn't want to feel disconnected from God and so I battled the desire before giving in. When I gave in, it was an act of pure survival. The suppression felt like it was killing me. The thoughts I had, even thoughts of jealousy toward people who are married and can experience all these things without guilt, just added to my anger toward God for not bringing me my husband. Everything became really heavy. I needed to feel something. Would it be pleasure, pain, or emptiness? Could I have the one without the other? As I sat, I wrapped my arms around myself. At first, it was like I was hugging myself, but it quickly turned to me digging my nails into my skin. I didn't even think about it. It just happened. When I realized that it felt good, painful but good, I kept doing it until I felt like I had enough of a release to just breathe. I went to bed and woke up at 4 AM. It wasn't enough. I brought God into the desire. I prayed about it before I did it, not asking His permission, but asking Him to meet me in the desire for connection and release, to grant me a release I didn't have to feel guilty about. Still, once I was done, I was in tears--like I always am. I felt like an alcoholic having to give up their two months sober token. My days had been reset. I'd threatened my closeness with God by giving in to sin. On top of it, I was sad because I knew that touch wasn't what I really wanted. It was the touch I had to settle for. Every moment in my bed alone is a reminder of the husband I don't have, the true love, connection, and intimacy that I crave but still have yet to receive. I still don't have all the answers. I'm still in the process of reclaiming my God-given identity as his daughter. I'm still learning what it means to be a woman of God. I'm battling many things, but the battles are just proof that I'm still in the war. I'm still fighting. I'm not giving in to the ways of the world. I'm not turning my back on God. I'm not going back to the devil's bondgage. I'm not giving up my desire for purity, for covenant marriage, for true love, and peace in the Lord. Nor will I let the devil shackle me in shame, like he's done in the past. Even in my failure, I am seeking the Lord and in Him, I will find peace and strength. I just have to remember that I will never be perfect. I have to learn how to accept His love and mercy, how to give myself grace the way the Father does. I am not the child being sent to her room for messing up. I am not the girl who received physical punishments or was emotionally dismissed. God is not abandoning me in my imperfection. He isn't running away from me or disgarding me. He isn't banishing me from His kingdom because I'm a sinner. He sent His Son for me. He still wants me. I just have to remember that. I have to remember that His mercies are new every morning and His love isn't based on my performance but His goodness. This journey of coming home to God is just as much about rewiring my brain as it is trusting Him and surrendering to Him. So, I guess that's where I end tonight. Lord, rewire my brain and heal the parts of me that are still broken, so that I may rest peacefully in your goodness, trust in your faithfulness, and know that my surrender to you is not wasted. Help me to know, without doubt, that you love me and your love for me is unconditional. Help me to know, without doubt, that I can trust you with all things, seek you in all things. Help me to endure this season of singleness, this season of desiring a marriage that has yet to come, this season of getting closer to you. Restore my faith in you and my hope in the future every time it's threatened. Protect me from the devil and all things evil. Guard my mind and my heart against Satan and his temptations. Heal me. Love me. Forgive me. And, when the time is right, please Lord, unite me with the man who can be the physical embodiment of your love for me. Allow me to experience the goodness of being a human, of being a woman. I don't want my story to be one of pain, guilt, shame, unmet desire, and a desperation for love that is never met. Write my happily ever after. I trust you with it more than I could ever trust myself. Just please remind me, on the days that I struggle, that my trust in you is not misplaced. In Jesus' name, Amen

This week, I'm excited to bring you two new posts inspired by my readings from 1 John. There is one central commandment addressed in 1 John. This post addresses the second part of the commandment:   "that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another ." 1 John 3:23 Click here to view the post on false teachers. 1 John was written by the apostle John between 80-95 AD. To put it into perspective, this letter was written about 50 or so years after Jesus' crucifixion. Note, the apostle John is the author of the Gospel of John, which details John's time with Jesus and Jesus' teachings, as well as 1st, 2nd, and 3rd John, which are letters written after Jesus' death to continue to promote His teachings and address relevant church issues. In this first letter, John addresses a central problem in the church, which has remained a central problem in the church and in society. That problem is a lack of love for humanity. Our world and our churches have adopted an us vs. them mentality. Our society is plagued with division. Whether that divide has spawned from differing religious beliefs or political beliefs, having no beliefs at all, or differences in race, economic status, etc, it's us vs. them. We've all taken sides, aside from the few who have learned the art of communication, which is equal parts listening and speaking. In our churches, we're divided amongst each other and are positioned as a collective against the world. Us vs. them. But it was never meant to be this way. I've seen it first hand: the church who treats those of a different race as outsiders, the church who only feels comfortable with a congregation that looks like or acts like them, the pastor who refuses to marry a couple who lived together before marriage or conceived a child before marriage. I've met the judgemental christians, the ones who give meaning to "there's no hate like christian love." And I've had my own experiences when I was treated as less than or not good enough for sinning, where the Bible was used as a tool to spread hate and to try to manipulate me. I have been there. Truthfully, my experiences are why I started reading the Bible for myself, so it can't be used against me. But the truth is, I always knew the truth . While I may not have always known every word and every scripture--I still don't--I have always known that love is the foundation of the universe and my soul--a love for humanity. "Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!" 1 John 3:1 The Bible was not written for a select group of people. The Bible was compiled so that all may know God and Jesus Christ, so that all may come home to Him, because we were all created in His image. We are all His children. Yes, in the Old Testament, God chose a select group of people to be His. But what many people miss, including myself at first, is that the Old Testament really only serves one purpose and that is to foreshadow or prophesy the coming of Christ. God chose a select group of people in the Old Testament to lead, because He was actively protecting the lineage that would lead to the birth of Christ. Furthermore, the Old Testament shows us that we cannot defeat sin, death, or the devil on our own. We cannot fulfill the Law of the Lord. We cannot reach the promised land without our good shepherd. So, while much of what occured in the Old Testament may seem cruel or unnecessary, it all serves a purpose and that purpose is Jesus. We need Jesus, and when He comes, He fulfills the Law of the Lord perfectly. He is the perfect sacrifice, the only sacrifice that could ever purify us and create an unbreakable relationship between us and the Father in Heaven, which is all God ever truly wanted. And that relationship is one He seeks with all mankind. God doesn't want only this group or that group. Christianity is not meant to be exclusive. It's meant to be the most inclusive collective ever created. As christians, we are set apart, but not by God. Our choice to believe in Him through faith and follow Jesus through surrender and obedience is what sets us apart. But our mission isn't to remain set apart, but to spread the Word of God so vastly that there comes a day when there is no collective. There is only one group of people--God's people--because that's exactly what we are. "By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us." 1 John 3:16 Jesus died for all humanity, because He and the Father in Heaven love all humanity. Yes, even the Father, because the night before Jesus was to be crucifed, He prayed to the Father. He was scared. His humanity bled through, quite literally, as He sweated blood. As human, Jesus was fully capable of feeling all the emotions one would expect leading up to such a sacrifice. He knew exactly what would happen. So did God. As He prayed He said, "if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." Luke 22:42 This verse reveals not only the immense love Jesus has for us, but the love of our Father in Heaven, who allowed the sacrifice to occur. He gave up His Son to receive a family of an unknown number. "You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world." 1 John 4:4 As Jesus hung on the cross, He cried out to Heaven and said, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34 These two verses together, Luke 23:34 and 1 John 4:4 hold so much power and perspective. Jesus was able to forgive not only those who betrayed and tormented Him, but all people to come, because He knew it was not man's fault. Man is God's creation, created perfectly in His image. By design, we are not evil or corrupt. The devil is who corrupts man, but it is more than corruption. It is inhabitation or possession. "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." Ephesians 6:12 The key to loving like Christ is viewing humanity like Christ . Separate the human from the spirit living inside them. There are no evil people, only evil spirits. And the only one who can save them, who can save us , is Jesus Christ. 1 John 4:4 reveals His Spirit overcomes the world. We overcome the world, the devil, temptation, and sin by surrendering to His Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit cleanses us of the evil spirits that have been targeting us. I've experienced it first hand. But that's not the only thing we should take from all of this. It's not just about us. It's about how we view others. If we can learn to see others as God sees them: worth loving, worth forgiving, worth seeking, worth saving, worth my attention, worth my sacrifice, worth dying for, then humanity will feel His love through us. "If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us." 1 John 4:12 "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." 1 John 4:7-11 God loves us even when we don't love Him. God loves those who don't yet know Him and those who never will. So too will we love one another. That is the true christian call. Religion vs. Relationship I have a more in-depth post coming on this topic as part of my The Divine Return series, but it feels relevant to mention here. I know what it's like to grow up going to church, because that's what you do. To get baptized, because that's what you do. And I'm not the only one. I think the reason so many christians get it wrong is because they grew up in religion not relationship with the Lord. They've sat on the pew, maybe for fifty years, allowing the preacher's words to float in one ear and out the other, never opening the Bible and studying it for themselves. While on the surface this may seem fine, the truth is, they have a closer relationship with that pew and that preacher than God. And relationship with the Lord is the only way to truly understand what it means to be a christian and a child of God. The only way to walk in the love of Christ is to be filled by Christ and see through His eyes. There are no evil people, only evil spirits. Others are not our enemies. We have only one enemy and his name is Satan. We are not at war with mankind. It's not us vs. them. It's us vs. him. 30 Day Challenge to Love Like Christ After reading this, challenge yourself to thirty days of loving like Christ. When that person pisses you off, because they will, choose one of the following reminders to recite: "Not the man but the spirit inside him," or "My war is not with you." If you want to get fancy with it say, "I rebuke the spirit inside you in the name of Jesus Christ." Leave a comment and let me know which reminder you've chosen for yourself and feel free to check back in to let me know how it goes. It only takes two weeks to form a new habit. Imagine what thirty days of viewing humanity through the eyes of Jesus could do? Download this image and make it your screensaver for an extra reminder.

This week, I'm excited to bring you two new posts inspired by my readings from 1 John. There is one central commandment addressed in 1 John. This post addresses the first part of the commandment: " that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another." 1 John 3:23 1 John was written by the apostle John between 80-95 AD. To put it into perspective, this letter was written about 50 or so years after Jesus' crucifixion. Note, the apostle John is the author of the Gospel of John, which details John's time with Jesus and Jesus' teachings, as well as 1st, 2nd, and 3rd John, which are letters written after Jesus' death to continue to promote His teachings and address relevant church issues. In this first letter, John addresses believers who've been exposed to heresy (false teachings) and he reveals how a believer can test the spirit to determine if someone is of God or not. Doctrine of False Teachers The false teachers promoted doctrine that said: the divine Christ, the Son of God, was not the same Jesus who suffered and died on the cross, and that knowledge of God led to moral perfection and that they were without sin. Last week, I wrote a post that detailed the many ways the devil lies to us . One of his favorite tactics is to twist the truth just enough that the alternative perspective feels possible. He twists the truth to create doubt and when doubt creeps in, it is a slippery slope to questioning everything and to losing faith completely. There are many verses that warn against doubt, but none is more straightforward than this: "Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth." John 17:17 In the Gospel of John, Jesus prays to the Father, declaring God's Word as truth and reveals that sanctification (or purification) comes from accepting the Word of God as truth. Today, Christians accept that the Bible is the Word of God. We accept the Bible as truth. During the time that Jesus was alive, He served as the manifested Word of God. He spoke the Word of God and lived by the Word of God. He set the example for us and paves the way for reconciliation with the Father and redemption from sin for us. False teachers try to make us doubt in who Jesus Christ was, what He did for us, and thus doubt in the truth / Word of God. The devil's deception does not always come as strict opposition, such as to say that Jesus never existed or that God isn't real. Sometimes the devil's deception comes with a slight bending of the truth. The devil gains footholds in our hearts and minds by planting seeds of doubt, and then those seeds grow into weeds that consume us from the inside out. The false teachers John warned against did not deny that Jesus existed or that the Son of God existed. They simply denied they were the same person. Doubting in the truth of who Jesus is and why He came abolishes Christianity completely. If the man who died on the cross is not the Son of God, then the Son of God has not come, then God's love for us and our salvation is called into question. Furthermore, if we believe there is any other way to accessing God and salvation other than through Jesus Christ or that we are without sin or can be without sin through knowledge rather than faith in our Savior, we are lost. Is it not ironic that sin entered the world not just due to Adam and Eve's disobedience of God's command, but in pursuit of knowledge? That is not to say that the Lord asks us to follow Him blindly. The Lord loves to grant us wisdom, truth, discernment, understanding, and enlightenment through His Word and direct relationship with Him. But the knowledge we receive from the Lord is received through faith not worldly or self-driven intellect. The devil or the world views knowledge as things that can be proven, which is the antithesis of faith. The knowledge the Lord provides comes through faith, and the foundation of faith is belief in the unseen. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29 False teachers threaten the truth--the Word of God and who Jesus Christ was--by twisting it to create doubt and shift the focus from faith-driven pursuit of holiness to self-driven pursuit of perfection. While these are the teachings of the antichrists of this society, false teachers still exist today. John Refutes False Teachings "Who is a liar but he who denies that Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist who denies the Father and the Son. Whoever denies the Son does not have the Father either; he who acknowledges the Son has the Father also." 1 John 2:22-23 Jesus Christ is the Son of God. He died for the sins of the world on the cross that we may have eternal life through Him with the Father in Heaven. Jesus Christ is the manifested Word of God. The Word of God / Jesus Christ is the truth, the way, and the life. Do not be deceived by false teachers and the bending of the truth. The key to overcoming false doctrine is to study the truth--the Word of God--for yourself. "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us." 1 John 1:8-10 We are sinners. We are called to confess our sins through prayer. Our Father in Heaven loves us and desires relationship with us. He forgives us of our sins if we ask. Those who deny being a sinner are not of God. "And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. And He Himself is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the whole world." 1 John 2:1-2 Jesus Christ not only paid the price for our sins but He advocates for us at the right hand of the Father. Jesus Christ is the intercessor for us believers, relaying our prayers directly to the Father. Jesus Christ is not only our Savior but our brother in Heaven who still loves us as unconditionally and vehemetly as He did the day He died for us. Receiving The Implanted Word / Living In Truth "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness ." 1 John 1:8-9 Cleansing of unrighteousness is separate from forgiveness. The key to cleansing is repentance and obedience to His commands. If we lack obedience, His Word is not implanted in us. John and James both speak on the importance of having an active faith and being a doer of the Word not just a hearer. "...receive with meekness the implanted word , which is able to save your soul. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves." James 1:21-22 "Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, 'I know Him' and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked." 1 John 2:3-6 We are called to walk as Jesus walked, love as Jesus loved, accept the Word of God as truth, and live out the Word of God daily. True implantation of the Word of God means the Word has become a part of us, enmeshed in us, attached to us. We are not separate from it and God is not separate from us, but abiding inside us. We are not double-minded nor do we succumb to doubt. We do not have one foot in the world with one hand on the Bible. The Word of God is implanted in us and through His Word, God and His Holy Spirit abides in us--not separate from us. The Word of the God (the literal Bible and the manifested Word of God, Jesus Christ) is the key to relationship with the Lord, holiness, and salvation. Testing the Spirit Much of 1 John is spent on discerning what is of God and what is not of God. What we learn can be used to discern false teachers and the spirit abiding in us--the spirit of truth or the spirit of error. "Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness. And you know that He was manifested to take away our sins, and in Him there is no sin. Whoever abides in Him does not sin. Whoever sins has neither seen Him nor known Him." 1 John 3:4-6 Sin is lawlessness. While we are sinners, there is a difference between unintentional, occassional sin due to our imperfection and habitual sin. Receiving the implanted word and accepting the Holy Spirit into our hearts does not mean we are perfect, however, it does change us. We do not desire to sin. We cease habitual sin, because habitual sin is a consistent choice to oppose God's word, a consistent choice to exist in the world rather than in Him. Obedience to God's word is the key to overcoming lawlessness / sin. You cannot claim to know God if you live in habitual sin. Those who live in habitual sin are not of God. "He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil. Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God." 1 John 3:8-9 I feel this is a time to get personal, a time to address belief versus surrender. When I was eight-years-old, I was baptized, because I believed that Jesus was the Son of God and He died for my sins. That was the basic doctrine I had to accept in order to be baptized. Tomorrow, at thirty-years-old, I'm being re-baptized because I finally know what it means to follow Jesus, make Him Lord of my life, and surrender everything to Him--my desires, my sins, my shame, my guilt, my future plans, my fingers as I type these messages to you, my physical urges, everything . The transformation that has occured in me through reading the Word of God gives new meaning to the sentiment of being born again . I do feel the seed of God inside me. And while I am still human and imperfect, I have ceased the habitual sin that used to control me. Why? Because I know that the choice to continue sinning will separate me from God. I know what that emptiness feels like and I don't want to feel it again. Not only that, I know that my sin was performance for the devil and a stab to my Savior's heart. He has opened my eyes to the truth He always knew and now that I know it too, I don't want to sin. I fear falling back into my old ways because I don't want anything to separate me from God. This doesn't mean I'll never sin again, but that I'm doing everything I can through obedience and prayer to abstain from sin. I have changed. Truly being born again through Christ and having the Word of God, the truth, implanted in you, does change you. So, as you read the verse above, do not view it as condemnation. View it through a hopeful lens that whatever you're struggling with, God can heal. Through Him, you won't be controlled by it anymore. His seed will remain in you and strengthen you against temptation, the devil's tactics, and everything else that may come your way. God did not send His Son to condem us, but to save us. He did not give us His Word to condemn us, but to save us. He does not desire for anyone to be controlled by sin in this lifetime or experience eternity in Hell. His Word and His Son are given to us as gifts so that we may know the truth and have eternal life with Him . His Word and the sacrifice of His Son are proof of His undying and unconditional love for us. "He who sins of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning." But let's remember that God did not create us in sin and the devil's corruption was not the beginning of mankind's story nor does it have to be the end. God created us in His image, without sin, without corruption. He created us to have relationship with us and that's exactly what He's trying to re-establish through the gifts of His Word and His Son. Just as the devil lies to us about who Jesus is, he lies to us about who we are. God loves you. You are His, not the devil's. He's just waiting for you to choose Him, so He can remind you of who you truly are. He's waiting to give you both a new beginning and a new ending. "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love." 1 John 4:7-8 "If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit." 1 John 4:12-13 The Spirit of God is love. We are called to love each other, not just the ones who look like, pray like, or believe like us. God loves all of humanity, which is why He sent His Son to die for all of humanity. The opposite of love is hate. There is no room for hate in the heart of a Christian. The spirit of hate is from the devil. The Spirit of God overcomes the world, the lies, the devil and his demonic forces. Let the Spirit of God in to heal what the devil has tried to break, distort, pervert, or bind. My next post will dig deeper into being the manifestation of God's love for humanity. For now, strengthen yourself against false teachers, false doctrine, and the spirit of error, by accepting the truth from the apostle John. "Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us. Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world. By this you know the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is of God, and every spirit that does not confess that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is not of God. And this is the spirit of the Antichrist, which you have heard was coming, and is now already in the world. You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. They are of the world. Therefore they speak as of the world, and the world hears them. We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error." 1 John 3:24 + 1 John 4:1-6

This morning's reading in my Anchored In His Word devotional was from Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 We've probably all heard this verse in one context or another. If you're like me, it's always nice to hear, but it doesn't always connect. Today, as I read the entire chapter of Jeremiah 29, it finally did. And that's what I want to share with you today, a reflection from Jeremiah 29 on having hope in hardship. Context Jeremiah is a prophet of the Old Testament. As we know, the Bible is broken into two parts, the Old Testament and the New Testament. The prophets in the OT are similar to the disciples in the NT. While the disciples share their direct experiences with Jesus, the prophets share their experiences with God, and God speaks His Word through them. The key to receiving God's Word is to first accept that the Bible is God's Word. See my post on Biblical Skepticism if you're struggling with this. Jeremiah 29 is a letter from Jeremiah to God's people being held captive in Babylon. God speaks to His people through Jeremiah, revealing His plan and His promise to them. It's worth noting why God's people were in Babylon before we dive into modern-day application of God's Word. After King Solomon's reign, Israel (God's chosen people) split into two kingdoms. Judah, the Southern Kingdom, survived the longest, but eventually fell to the same sin of idolatry as the Northern Kingdom. Because Israel fell into sin, God allowed them to be held captive in Babylon for seventy years. Biblical Babylon is not only a physical place, but symbolizes Hell on earth. It was a place of demonic corruption and rampant sin. By allowing His people to be held there, God let them see first hand what they'd chosen over Him. Even still, God did not abandon them. He gives them directives on how to endure captivity and promises to rescue them from captivity. While the New Testament reveals God's New Covenant with mankind through Jesus Christ, there is still much to learn from the Old Testament, especially when you read it through a lens of symbolism. Israel became God's chosen people through the covenant God made with Abraham. This covenant is the beginning for God's redemptive plan for humanity. Today, through Jesus, we are all His chosen people. He's just waiting for us to choose Him. When we read the Old Testament, we may look at Israel/ the Israelites as if they represent us. God promises to rescue His people from captivity, the same way He promises us salvation and freedom from the captivity of sin and darkness through Jesus Christ. What can we learn from Jeremiah 29 today? "Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all who were carried away captive, whom I have caused to be carried away from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and dwell in them; plant gardens and eat their fruit. Take wives and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands--that you may be increased there, and not diminished. And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive, and pray to the Lord for it; for in its peace you will have peace." Jeremiah 29:4-7 No matter the hardship you face, God is with you . Sometimes God allows His people to reap the consequences of their actions, but He never abandons us . Sometimes God sends us into captivity or Godless-places, but not for us to be captives or to remain in captivity. He sends us to multiply in that place and be the light in a Godless-place. He sends us to spread His Word and be His ambassadors of love and peace. While in today's society, we may not face captivity the same way the Israelites did, we may still encounter religious persecution, places where God is not accepted or a safe topic of conversation. In these spaces, we are not the captives, the ones who have yet to meet God are. So, when we enter these places of captivity--whether we are sent there by God or lured by the devil, remember the truth: God is with you. Have hope. Pray for peace. Spread His Word, because His Word saves souls. Pray for peace wherever you are and through whatever circumstance you endure. Never let the circumstance or evil discourage you from building a bright future. Build your houses and have your children so that the light of the Lord is not diminished by darkness. Preparing for the future means you believe in the future. It is an act of hope. Have hope and be the hope of the Lord. "For thus says the Lord: After seventy years are completed at Babylon, I will visit you and perform My good word toward you, and cause you to return to this place. For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:10-11 God tells the Israelites, just like He tells us, to have hope and build beautiful lives even among the darkness and corruption of sin. Our hope is grounded in the Lord's promise to rescue and redeem us, not in our ability to persevere. What we build or produce represents our hope, but is not the foundation for our hope. God promises that the hardship we face will not last forever. God promises He has not forgotten about us. He thinks of us and His thoughts are for peace, not evil. He desires to give us a future and a hope--not just in salvation through Jesus, but right here and now. Through His Word and scripture just like this, we find our hope. Let's take a moment to meditate on how beautiful that is. Our God is mindful of us. Our God concerns himself with us. We are not forgotten. Our God does not seek to punish us, but to redeem us. Our God desires relationship with us. Our God loves us. Our God is with us. As often quoted as Jeremiah 29:11 is, I find Jeremiah 29:12-14 even more beautiful and resonant. And that's where we'll end. "Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity." Jeremiah 29:12-14 God promises He hears our prayers. When we seek Him, we will find Him. He is not hiding from us. This is not a game of hide-and-seek. The Lord is waiting for us to seek Him, choose Him, because He has already sought us. He has already chosen us. He already loves us. Even in our moments of blindness and rebellion, He seeks, loves, and chooses us. All we have to do to feel His love is seek Him. He's there waiting. He doesn't abandon us even when we abandon Him. I hope that today's reflection on Jeremiah 29 was encouraging to you. As I close today, I feel called to share one more thing from my own journey back to God. God Met Me In My Hopelessness My journey with God has been full of ups and downs. I grew up in the church, but I didn't have the best experiences. This is something I'm going to write about in my next post in The Divine Return series. In a nutshell, I learned to fear God not to love Him or feel His love for me. And while I did learn that I could pray to Him, I didn't really know Him. I didn't understand who He truly was, who He says I am. And because of the fear and control surrounding my upbringing in the church, the older I got the less of a desire I had to know Him. When I left home and entered college, I was blind to the truth and vulnerable to the devil's deception. Over the years, I was pulled further and further away from God. I spent most of my twenties only seeking the Lord during the times of great heartbreak: my dad's battle with cancer and ultimate death, my divorce, and in moments of hopelessness and heartbreak since. Every time I called out to Him, He was there. Truthfully, He was there even when I wasn't seeking Him. I just didn't realize it. Our God is not an I told you so God . He will not meet your cries for help with guilt and shame, but with love, forgiveness, and a desire to help you. The time when my dad was sick feels like a blur to me. There are memories that stick out, but it was such a chaotic time, both because of his illness and other things happening, that all I truly remember is the heartache and pain. I don't remember it being a time when I was close to God and yet I know the only way I survived was through His strength. I wasn't close to Him, but He was close to me. When I was going through my divorce, about two years later, that's when I was the closest to God--prior to present day. Saving my marriage was the most important thing to me. I sought wisdom and strength from the Lord. I prayed for God to save my marriage. And He answered my prayers, just not in the way I was expecting or hoping. Every night that I went to sleep crying for God to save my marriage, the very next day my husband would do something that felt like confirmation from God that it would not be saved. Still, I kept fighting because I knew God did not desire divorce. I continued to fight longer than my heart truly wanted to, because of my commitment to my vow, to God. But God knew things I didn't and He did save my marriage by removing my counterfeit of a husband. When my ex-husband left, I had peace, because I knew that I'd honored my vow. I knew I'd done everything I could to save us and I had no choice in the matter. I knew that God forgave me. And I know, because I know myself, that it was God's strength alone that allowed me to survive that divorce with strength, patience, dignity, and humility. But God didn't just save me from my counterfeit, He saved me from me, from utter despair. During the destruction of my marriage, prior to my husband leaving, I reached a level of brokenness I'd never felt before. There were a couple of nights when my husband was away, because he decided he was done long before telling me, that I held a knife to my wrist with the intention of hurting myself. I wanted him to see the pain he was causing me. I wanted him to see how badly his actions were hurting me. I wanted him to change, to try, to choose me. In that moment, God's peace and strength came over me along with the words, "My blood is worth more than this." I can't explain to you how I know it was God who saved me, who spoke to me, but it was. God saved me from the knife not once but twice. He didn't hesistate to step into my hopelessness. He didn't let me give in the second time even after he'd already taught me this lesson once. He is not a keeper of wrongs, but a redeemer of lost souls. Not only was my blood worth more than the heartache being forced upon me, the blood of Jesus Christ that saves me and the plan God has for me is too powerful for Him to let a man or the devil destroy me. Even after this moment with God, I still did not seek Him without ceasing. I made it through my divorce, and for a few years I went on autopilot. What made me begin seeking Him again, this time without ceasing? Believing that I'd finally met my husband after years of singleness, hopelessness, and loneliness. While there have been times when I haven't been close to the Lord, I always knew that I wanted to raise my kids to know the Lord. I always knew that I would eventually find my way back. So, when I thought I'd met my person, I wanted to seek the Lord. I wanted to embark on this journey of getting closer to God and have a future that is God-centered. Not long after beginning my journey back to God, this relationship, which I truly believed was from God, crumbled. This time, instead of pulling away from the Lord, I dug my heels in. I stayed consistent in my study of the Bible and in my prayer routine for a solid year. There was a part of me that needed the distraction, needed the goal, needed something to keep me from completely falling into despair. Another part of me still believed that this person was my husband and I sought the Lord's strength to endure the separation by remaining close to Him through His Word. Throughout this year, so much transformation occurred. And when the devil reintroduced this counterfeit back into my life, I was finally strong enough to see the truth and to hear God's voice, which had been telling me all along that it's not him . That is a post for another day and I am excited to write it, because now that I've finally learned how to recognize God's voice, I can rest more calmly in His guidance. But for now, my message to you is this: No matter the circumstance you face, no matter how far you feel you've strayed, God is with you. God is waiting for you. God loves you. And, undoubtedly, His goodness has already shown up in your life. You need only to recognize it. The key to growing your relationship with the Lord and finding strength and peace in Him is through His Word. I encourage you to embark on your own journey through God's Word. Seek Him and you will find Him. Pray to Him and He will listen.

A few months ago, while I was still writing my latest fiction book, an idea for a podcast came to me. I would call it The Divine Return and through it, I would share my journey of coming home to God. Finding the technical aspects of a podcast difficult, The Divine Return turned into a book, a book I attempted to start writing a few days ago. What I've found is that it's incredibly hard for me to look back. It's hard for me to reflect on my childhood and early religious experiences. It's hard for me to remember entering college woefully unprepared and disconnected from God. It's hard for me to relive all the times the devil played with me, lied to me, convinced me to give in to sin, or worse, perverted my God-given desires and used my prayers to manipulate, confuse, and control me. I want to share my story. I want to retrace the spiritual warfare that's been on my life since I was a little girl. I want to expose it to you and all the ways the devil hurt me--all the lies he sold me--so that you don't become his next victim. And if you are struggling in the same ways I did, I want to share so that you know there is a way out. There is healing and hope through seeking and surrendering to the Lord, our Father who art in Heaven. But I have to do it in a way that doesn't hurt me in the process. Through this multi-part blog series, The Divine Return , I'm going to address three major areas from my return to God. The first: the lies the devil uses to keep us from seeking God. The second: the difference between religion and relationship with the Lord. The third: how to truly surrender to the Lord and accept the Holy Spirit. As I gather the courage and feel led by the Spirit, I will share more of my personal story. Key topics I want to speak on are: The Lie That Cost Me My Virginity, The Bondage of Needing to Be Chosen, How A Counterfeit Became My Husband, Marriage vs. Divine Union, The Single Season, Restless In The Waiting, and messages from The Surrender Season. But for now, I want to inspire you to embark on your own divine return to God by simply letting you know it's possible. You are not too broken or lost. You haven't messed up too bad. He still wants you. He still loves you. So, without hesitation, let's get into it. Lie #1: It's my fault. Scripture makes it clear that while we are responsible for our choices, the devil is the source of temptation and deception. Temptation is not a sin. It's a tactic used by the enemy to draw us away from God. Satan even tempted Jesus , because as man, Jesus was not immune to temptation. But as God, He did not give in to sin. "Then the serpent said to the woman, 'You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." Genesis 3:4 The first temptation and deception. The devil uses our lack to tempt us and he twists the truth just enough that it feels right. When Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, their eyes were opened and in that way, they were more like God. But they also became more like the devil because they now knew evil. As for death, the devil says "you will not surely die," as if to say you won't die instantly. But the wages of sin is death. The devil seeks to deceive us just long enough that we die our earthly death and become his forever. "He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44 "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 These scriptures reveal the number one way the devil tries to steal, kill, and destroy us-- lies . He is our enemy, not others and not ourselves. He wants us to feel guilty and ashamed. He wants us to hate ourselves and condemn others. He wants us to believe that our missteps are our fault. That or he wants us so disconnected from God that we don't even feel conviction when we mess up. That's when he's truly got us. But even then, God is hoping for our return, because while the devil is a liar, manipulator, murderer, and all things evil, our God is loving and long-suffering. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." James 4:8 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 "The Lord, The Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth." Exodus 34:6 "But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them." Nehemiah 9:17 While the devil exposes our human weakness, God created us to be His children, "a kind of firstfruits of His creatures." James 1:18 So, the temptation you face and the sin you give in to, it's not your fault nor is it God's. "When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone." James 1:13 God is not the author of pain or temptation. He is not the one testing and tempting us. He is the one waiting for us to come home. The devil would bury you in shame. God redeems us in love, because He loves us and he knows it's not your fault either. Lie #2: I'll just sin again, so what's the point? This is the one I fell for the most. Growing up, I always heard repentance is the key to forgiveness. God knows your heart and he won't forgive you if you don't plan on changing your ways. This is just one example of how well-intentioned and misrepresentation often go hand-in-hand. There are so many scriptures to pull when it comes to repentance and forgiveness, but here's the most important thing to know. We are sinners. We will always be sinners. We will always fall short of God's perfect intention for us, His perfect plan and design. Jesus was the only perfect man to ever live and He will remain the only perfect man. The thing is, we aren't expected to be perfect. If it was possible for us as humans to fulfill the Law of the Lord, we wouldn't need a savior. We wouldn't need the Father, the Son, or the Holy Spirit. Our sin is not a reason to avoid God. It's the very reason He sent His Son, our brother Jesus, to die for us. Sin is the very thing that should draw us closer to God not push us further away, because He is the only one who can wash us clean. And He desires to do just that. His mercies are new every morning, because our sin is new every morning. While the Holy Spirit empowers us to withstand temptation, even Moses, who was embodied by the Spirit of the Lord, was not a perfect man. Even Moses sinned. You don't have to be perfect to seek the Lord. You don't have to be perfect to be forgiven. This is what the devil wants us to believe. The very first example of this is Adam and Eve. After their sin, they hid from the Lord in shame. What did God do? He sought them out. God seeks you in your sin while the devil tries to shackle you with it and hold you in shame. "If we claim to be without sin, we decieve ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:8-9 "Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear--not by Heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple 'yes' or 'no.'" James 5:12 Scripture tells us not to take a vow in the sense of I will never sin again , because vows hold weight. Vows are taken seriously by both Heaven and Hell, and it's the perfect opening for the devil to slip in and tempt you, again reminding you of the thing you can't have or can never do again. And when you inevitably do it, that's when the devil shackles you in shame. That's when you feel like you can't pray, like you can't ask for forgiveness. Don't lay your own trap by thinking perfection is even a possibility . Recognize your own weakness and know that it's nothing to be ashamed of, but the exact area our God wants to love you and heal you. All you have to do is seek Him and confess. And trust me, when God opens your eyes to the way the devil has led you into sin, it does change you. When you realize how you were manipulated and how your destruction has been nothing but entertainment for the devil, a fire burns inside you and the only desire you have is to not let him win. Maybe it's just me. But while perfection isn't attainable, when your perception of sin and self changes and you feel God's love for the first time, sin doesn't hold the same power over you. Lie #3: God set me up to fail. Oh, this used to be me and this lie made me so angry. In the section above, I mentioned one example of how scripture was misrepresented to me when I was growing up and thus, my perception of the Lord (and self) was distorted. When you only hear selected snippets of His Word without context, mostly from people who are seeking to control you, you don't get the full picture of God or His Word. I have a very analytical brain. Hearing about the Bible and filtering small sections through an analytical lens, accompanied by my neurodivergence, perfectionism tendencies, and my authoritarian upbringing, I felt like mankind was set up to fail. I remember thinking, "Well, why did God cast the devil down to earth knowing he'd infect mankind with sin?" "He knew this was going to happen, so why didn't He stop it?" "He wants us to be fully dependent on Him." "He made the rules, therefore, He's the one who set us up to fail." "He's the one who created Heaven and Hell. Why did there even have to be a Hell? Why couldn't we all just live happily ever after?" "If He knew the world needed Jesus, why didn't He send Him sooner?" As you can see, I've struggled with my relationship with the Lord. The only thing that's helped me is actually studying His Word for myself. As much scripture as I try to include in my posts, it still doesn't compare to reading His Word and experiencing His truth for yourself. So, please read your Bible. It's very easy to fall for this lie, especially when you struggle with perfectionism and an authoritarian upbringing. You're tired of feeling like a failure, of having to work so hard to feel loved and accepted. Or perhaps your upbringing was more intellectual and you find it hard to comprehend anything that can't be proven or seen. We all have our struggles. The truth lies in scripture and heart posture. Meaning, I'll give you the words, but do you have the heart to believe them? God created us to have dominion and authority over the earth. "Then God said, 'Let Us (the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit) make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth. So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it." Genesis 1:26-28 "What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You visit him? For You have made him a little lower than the angels, and You have crowned him with glory and honor. You have made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet. " Psalm 8:4-6 Jesus gives us power and authority over the devil. "Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7 "In all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created things, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39 God's Word changes the narrative that we're set up to fail. His Word reveals that we were always created to rule the earth. This is our dominion, not the devil's. He is the trespasser here. The devil would love nothing more than to make us forget our true place and purpose as mankind. We are God's children. We are His firstfruits. We are his greatest, most precious creation. And through Jesus, our savior, and the Holy Spirit which empowers us, we are not only heirs to the kingdom of Heaven, but we have power over the devil right here and now. We need only to resist the devil and accept the Holy Spirit into our heart and the devil will flee, because he knows he cannot stand against us. " You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4 We are not set up to fail. We were created to rule the earth and have relationship with the Lord. The devil tried to displace us with sin, with the original deception. But God has always sought to renew covenant with us. We see that throughout the Old Testament. And when Jesus finally comes, he gives us a new mission--to spread the truth of His Word without fear, because there is freedom from sin, death, the devil, and temptation in the Word of God, in the Son who died for us, and in the Holy Spirit who lives inside us. Lie #4: I'm too lost to be saved. Lie #5: I don't need a savior. The idea of being too lost to be saved and not needing a savior at all are two sides of the same coin. The devil wants to make us think we're beyond saving or that we don't need saving at all, because we haven't done anything wrong. He wants us to think sin isn't real; God isn't real; Hell isn't real. None of it is real. If you've made it this far in the post, you should know that you are not too lost to be saved. A mantra you can repeat to yourself is, " His mercies are new every morning. God's love for me is everlasting and long-suffering. I am a Child of God, an heir to the kingdom of Heaven, and a Vessel of the Holy Spirit. The devil has no power over me." If you think you don't need a savior, if you question if any of this is real, you aren't the first and you won't be the last. I urge you to read 1 Kings 18:20-39 This scripture reveals a time when the Israelites were questioning which God to believe in, Yahweh (our God) and the false god Baal. Elijah, the prophet, said to the prophets of Baal, "You call on the name of your gods, and I will call on the name of the Lord; and the God who answers by fire, He is God." 1 Kings 18:24 What plays out is a scene of two altars, one built to the false god and one built for our Lord. Who do you think answers? God, the one true God. While quoting that scripture may not convince you to believe, if you're reading this, my guess is you want to believe in something. You're searching for answers. So, what's the harm in asking God to reveal the truth to you? Did you know the miracle Jesus performed the most was to heal the blind? Whether figurative or literal, we all experience a period of blindness in our lives prior to being saved. And, even after being saved, we still may not fully understand the weight of our sins, the spiritual battle for souls unfolding, all the hidden revelations waiting for us to discover in His Word, or even the invisible chains the devil still holds us in. A prayer to heal spiritual blindness: Lord, the one they call Yahweh, please open my eyes to Your truth. I am struggling with doubt. I don't know what to believe. Maybe there's a part of me that's scared to believe, because I'm afraid of the weight of conviction. I'm afraid of what it means to believe in You, to be a follower of Christ. I'm afraid to change, even if there's a part of me that wants to. But I want to know the truth. If you're real, if you're there, I want to know You. Open my heart to receive Your Word. Allow me to feel Your love. Show me the bondage the devil holds me in and show me the way out. If you're there, please make your presence known in my life, in my heart, and in my mind. I want to know You. In Jesus' name, Amen There are so many more lies the devil uses to disconnect us from God and distort our image of Him and of self. Lie #6: If God loved me, he would've protected me. This is hard. We've all been there, including me, including Jesus. During the crucifxation, Jesus experienced more pain than any of us can ever imagine. He bore the weight of all sin, an emotional anguish that would shatter us, while also being stripped, beaten, pierced by nails, and forced to suffer a slow death that lasted hours. To be honest with you, I've never felt comfortable watching movies like The Passion and I haven't even read all the scripture related to Jesus' crucifixation because my heart can't handle it. One day, I will. But just know, even Jesus experienced pain, heartbreak, physical and emotional torment. He faced public humiliation and felt forsaken by God. Both Matthew and Mark detail Jesus calling out to God as he hung on the cross. Jesus knew what would happen. Jesus knew God hadn't truly abandoned him, but it felt like it. Whenever we feel abandoned by God, just remember he's still here. He still loves us. And while he is not the author of pain, he will use every ounce of our pain for our good. "He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will He not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32 "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8 Lie #7: God just wants to control me. I've struggled with this one too. The truth is, God doesn't want to control us. He wants us to choose Him. He presents His way, His design, His intention for us and the devil presents the alternative, which seems like fun and freedom until it isn't. The Israelites were slaves in Egypt and yet, they longed to return to the comforts of Egypt while struggling in the wilderness. When you look at the Bible through a literary lens, you see that Biblical Egypt represents evil and the bondage Pharaoh held God's people in represents the bondage of sin the devil seeks to hold us all in. They were literal slaves and yet, the obedience, patience, and faithfulness needed to trust in God made them want to return to slavery, to bondage, and ultimately, to sin. Because that's what life without God is--slavery, bondage, and sin. God's way isn't always easy. It's certaintly not without hardship, but it is better. That's something I had to learn the hard way. "Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12 Lie #8: God = guilt. "For judgement is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgement." James 2:13 "Do not speak evil of one another, brethren. He who speaks evil of a brother and judges his brother, speaks evil of the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?" James 4:11-12 Christ abolishes the power of sin and is the fulfillment of the Law of the Lord. Christ is the New Covenant between God and man. In the new covenant, guilt has no place. Lie #9:  Believing in God/ Jesus is enough. This is a lie meant to keep us in lukewarm or stagnant faith. You can read my other post on active faith for a deeper dive into this topic. But the key is to have a growing faith , to deepen our understanding of the Lord, to grow our relationship with Him, to have Him enlighten us to His Word in new ways. The devil would love for us to stop at simply believing that God exists, because the Book of James tells us, "Even the demons believe--and tremble!" James 2:19 The closer we get to God, the stronger our faith becomes, the more powerful we are against the devil and his demonic forces, the stronger we stand against his temptation, and the more likely we are to help others escape him. Lukewarm or stagnant believers aren't a threat to the devil, but those with growing, active faith who step into their true authority and power in the Holy Spirit are a threat to the kingdom of darkness. Lie #10: I can't rely on or trust God with my desires. This is where things get tricky. Sometimes the devil can't stop us from believing in God or even wanting to surrender and rely on Him. But he can make us mistrust God's goodness if we don't know the truth. For so long, I questioned God's goodness, His desire to give me good things. As a single woman longing for love, battling heartbreak and loneliness and facing confusion with counterfeits, I spent years not trusting God with my love life. I believed in Him. I sought Him for other things, but not this. No, I couldn't trust Him with this. Then, when I finally did try to surrender to Him, because I realized I couldn't trust myself, it didn't go as planned. The devil used my prayers for my husband, my ignorance of God, and my desires against me. I'd surrendered everything to God, even the thing I wanted most, but I still got hurt. If you don't have the truth to rely on, the devil can manipulate you even in your surrender. And he loves to, because he wants to make God seem like he isn't trustworthy. I am going to write an entire post, perhaps several, dedicated to my experiences with counterfeits, my doubt and hopelessness in the single season, and how I finally learned to recognize God's voice, but for now, I will share this scripture to encourage you. "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11 "Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:16-17 People often say, God doesn't promise you a husband in an attempt to force women to let go of hope for love. This misuse of the Bible causes so much separation between women and God, because if you long for love, you know the thought of spending your life alone, of never experiencing true love, is heartbreaking, hopeless, and in my case, makes you question what's the point of living? This is just one way that the Bible is misused to breed hopelessness. But while the Bible doesn't say you are promised a husband, we know from God's original plan for humanity that he values relationship and has designed us in both spirit and physical form for companionship. God's intention is not for us to endure this life alone. And in that truth, I found hope and the strength to finally surrender every aspect of my life to Him. You can trust God with your desires. You absolutely can. Lie #11: The Bible isn't relevant or reliable. Lie #12: Free will means I can do whatever I want without consequence. Lie #13: There's freedom in sin. Lie #14: I'm human. I'm innately flawed and dirty. Lie #15: I will never break free. Lie #16: This season will last forever. There is no hope to find. Lie #17: God doesn't love me anymore. Maybe he never did? By now, you're probably recognizing that the devil is a liar, liar not a denier. The devil knows God. He knows His Word. And he knows us. He knows how to manipulate us by bending the truth. He knows how to control us with comfort and pleasure. He also knows how to control us with fear and by creating mistrust in the Lord and His Word. While I could pull scripture and oppose every single one of the lies listed above, take my word and the Lord's that... The Bible is God's Word. It is the truth. By reading His Word your eyes will be opened to the spiritual warfare surrounding you, the love God has for you, and the power and authority offered to you through the sacrifice of and surrender to Jesus Christ. Free will doesn't mean there are no consequences . Free will means you're free to choose, but you will live with the consequences of your choices. If you choose Jesus, you are made new. You have power over the grave and are promised not only life eternal with the Father in Heaven, but freedom from sin in this lifetime. The devil only holds as much power over you as you allow him. This is your kingdom, as a Child of God, not his. Sin is bondage . The scary thing is, we don't realize it either because we don't believe what we're doing is sin or because we choose to remain ignorant of what sin even is. For many years, I chose to remain ignorant of God's Word because I didn't want to feel worse about myself. But that was the devil's distortion. The Bible isn't here to make us feel worse about ourselves. It's here to set us free . That's why I began this post by combating the lie, it's your fault . It's not your fault. Nor is it within your power to defeat sin. But, with the Holy Spirit, you are more than a conqueror in all things. You are human, but not flawed by design. You are His by design . And He is waiting for you to remember, to wake up, to come home, to surrender to Him, to love Him, to choose Him. Following Jesus isn't bondage or slavery. It's the freedom from it. Nothing lasts forever. The Bible tells us there is a season for everything. His Word is the keeper of truth and the holder of hope. God loves you more than you will ever know. Have you ever wondered why He hasn't sent Jesus back yet? Every year, there's a sect that will say, "We're in the end times." "Oh, another seal was broken." Oh this. Oh that. Jesus hasn't come back yet, because He wants us all to come to the Father. His love is long-suffering. And while not all will accept salvation through Jesus, it doesn't change His desire. God does not wish condemnation on anyone. He seeks to shower us all with His love and His truth. Download this graphic and use it as a screensaver to remind you of the truth.

James is a short book in the Bible full of wisdom. I have so many things underlined in this book, because James made every word count. While my other post on the Book of James is short and grounded on the theme of active faith, this post is a longer study and reflection on the complete Book of James. Context Before we jump in, it's important to know who is speaking here. If you're like me, you probably grew up thinking every book in the Bible was written by God. We're told it's God's Word and it is. But it's important to understand, it's God's Word transcribed for us through prophets, disciples, and others who had direct experiences with God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. Yes, God's exact words are included in the text as well as Jesus' but God did not carve the Bible we know today into stone. While Moses carved the 10 Commandments into stone, commandments given by God, the Bible was compiled over the span of approximately 1,500 years and includes the writings of about 40 different authors. The majority of the Bible is considered Old Testament and concerns three primary topics: the creation of the world, God's law/ wisdom, and the prophecy of Christ's coming. The New Testament represents the New Covenant God makes with us through Jesus. It is the fulfillment of the prophecy and the law, and a representation of God's love for us. We as humans were never going to live up to the holiness God desired for us. So, He sent His son, Jesus, to serve as the ultimate sacrifice, cleansing us all and giving us a direct relationship with the Lord, a relationship that doesn't require further sacrifice or ritual, a relationship that only requires surrender and faith. The Book of James is included in the New Testament and was written by James, Jesus' half brother, between 45 AD and 60 AD. To put it into perspective, this book was written between 12 and 27 years after Christ was crucified. During this time, religious persecution of Christians was prevalent. The Book of James is written as a letter from James to the body of Christians who were dispersed among unbelieving nations due to religious persecution. James offered instruction on how they could continue to grow as followers of Christ even during times of hardship and torment. He encouraged them to stand firm in their faith, seek God's wisdom, and reminded them to demonstrate Christ-like love. I can't wait to dive into that topic specifically. So, without delay, let's get into it. On Trials & Seeking Wisdom "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." James 1:2-3 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will recieve anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." James 1:5-8 "Lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." James 1:21 The trials we experience strengthen our faith by forcing us to rely on God, surrender to Him, have faith in His presence, provision, and promises. As we experience hardship and grow our relationship with God, the fruits of the spirit grow inside us. The fruits of the spirit are: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. But this strengthening of our faith only occurs if we allow it. If we choose to view our circumstance through a woe-as-me lens (and yes, I'm guilty of this), we miss the chance to grow our faith and relationship with the Lord. The key to wisdom (and relationship with the Lord) is God's Word, the Bible. The more we seek God, through study of His word and in prayer, the more He enlightens us, the more He makes His presence known. God desires relationship with us and relationships are built on understanding. If you seek the Lord's wisdom, He will give it you. As much as you ask is as much as you will receive. The key to receiving is being willing and open to receive. Imagine offering someone a gift, or offering to pay for someone's meal, and they refuse your gift, doubting your motives or even turning you away because they don't think themselves worthy of your gift. If we are not open to receiving wisdom from the Lord, if we doubt Him --His motives, His goodness, His gifts, His wisdom, His promises-- how can we receive from Him ? I have struggled with doubting God's goodness, especially when it comes to my love life, which is where I've struggled the most. Doubt is normal. It's human. But we are asked to replace doubt with faith. And I can honestly say, it feels so much better to trust in the Lord rather than doubt Him. I have been that double-minded individual, tossed about like a wave as uncertainty, fear, and hopelessness took hold of me. I never doubted God's power. I doubted His goodness. And I think that is the most common struggle Christians face during times of hardship. And we all face hardship. While there is still religious persecution today, the hardship we're probably most familiar with is our individual hardships. We all have our struggles. My struggle is related to romance, love, relationships, etc. Your struggle may be something different. Whatever it is, trust in God's goodness. Because when the Devil attacks God's goodness, we question everything . It's a stepping stone to losing faith altogether. On Facing Temptation "Submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." James 4:7-8 "Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am tempted by God" ; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death." James 1:12-15 When we think of temptation, we probably first think of sexual temptation. And that is certaintly an area the Devil loves to exploit and pervert. And it's so easy to fall into sexual temptation, because it stems from a very human, normal, holy, God-given desire for connection and intimacy. But temptation, in the Biblical sense, can be anything that pulls us away from God and into sin. Before I dive into this, I want to note the difference between temptation and sin. Temptation is not sin. We all face temptation, which is basically a desire to act. Sin is giving into the desire, the temptation. When faced with temptation, we are asked to first, submit to God, and second, resist the devil. There is a reason why our surrender to God comes first, because He, through the Holy Spirit, empowers us to defeat temptation, sin, demonic forces, and the Devil. Satan isn't fleeing from us. He sought us out to steal, kill, and destroy. He flees from the Spirit inside us. When facing temptation, treat it like a snake. Don't try to see how close you can get without it biting you. Flee from it. By removing yourself from the situation, you are demonstrating a desire to follow Jesus. You are acting in your power as a child of God, heir to the kingdom of Heaven, and vessel of the Holy Spirit and the Devil will abandon his mission against you, because He cannot stand against you. The only power Satan has over your life is the power you give him. Our entire existence on earth is marked by temptation. We face it over and over again, sometimes in different forms. The Bible says, "blessed is the man who endures", meaning he does not give in to temptation, for he will inherit the kingdom of Heaven. If you're like me, trials and temptation were a source of anger for many years. I felt like God was testing me. I felt like God was dangling counterfeit partners in front of me just to teach me lesson after lesson. I felt like the only way to pass His test was to give up all desire for love and marriage, because He is a jealous God and wanted me all to Himself, which only made me angrier and more hopeless. But the scripture above tells us, God does not test us. Our trials and temptations do not come from Him. This is just one of the ways the Devil gets into our minds and makes us doubt God's goodness. God is not the author of pain. This is something I have to remind myself, but accepting that truth has helped me so much in my surrender to Him. And while I will write another post on overcoming my single season struggles, for now I'll say, I do not believe God desires for us to give up hope for love, connection, and covenant. This is another lie the Devil uses to separate us from God. God is love. God is the creator of covenant, of marriage. God is the one who recognized man's need for companionship. The Devil is the one who lures us into false beliefs and hopelessness. Satan is the one who tells us no one wants you , your time is running out, you're not good enough, you're destined to live in this season forever . The Devil is a liar. "You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. Adulterers and adultereresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, 'The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously?'" James 4:3-5 Now, is God a jealous God? Absolutely. Does God want us to seek Him first? Absolutely. Does God desire relationship with us? Absolutely. The scripture above likens friendliness with the world as cheating on God. And, in truth, it is. When we give in to temptation and worldly ways, we are giving in to Satan. We are being unfaithful to the Lord . On Loving Without Partiality "Do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality." James 2:1 "If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, ' You shall love your neighbor as yourself, ' you do well; but if you show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all." James 2:8-10 "Speak and do as those who will be judged by the law of liberty. For judgement is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgement." James 2:12-13 "Do not speak evil of one another. He who speaks evil of a brother and judges his brother, speaks evil of the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?" James 4:11-12 Oh, I am so excited to dive into this topic, because this right here is where so many christians and churches get it wrong. As Christians, we are called to be inclusive, not exclusive . We are called to show mercy, not judgement . We are called to love everyone not just the people who look like, act like, or pray like us. To put the first scripture, James 2:1, into context, James is urging fellow believers to accept those who come into their assembly, to not judge them based on what they look like or how much money they have. In James 2:8-10, we are reminded of the royal law which is to love your neighbor as yourself . In essence, we are called to love all mankind the same way Christ did . Christ loved all mankind. Christ died for all mankind. Will all mankind accept Him and His sacrifice, accept His love for them and their place in Heaven? No. But still, Christ died for them, because God so loved the world. We have been misguided by the Devil to view each other as enemies. We have allowed, in the Christian community as well, anger, fear, and division to take root. But the scripture says, if you cannot keep the law of the Lord in its entirety (and we can't), if you fall short in even one area (and we do), then we are guilty of all. Therefore, who are we to judge one another? We are all guilty of falling short of God's commandments, His perfect design, His intention for us. We are all sinners. And, therefore, we are not each other's enemy . We are each other's brothers and sisters, meant to help and love one another. The scripture takes it a step further and says those who judge will be judged. We are called to show mercy to one another, love one another, and stand firm against the one enemy we all share--Satan . The Devil is the root of division. Loving one another is not the same as loving sin or being friends with the world. Loving all mankind is learning how to seperate the flesh from the spirit. We are all flesh, made of the same skin and bones. And without the Holy Spirit dwelling inside us, we are all empty vessels, powerless against the evil spirits roaming this earth, seeking to inhabit us and destroy God's greatest creation. The evil you find in man is not of man, but of Satan. When you understand that, you can see that man is not the enemy and the war we participate in is not of this earth. On Having Active Faith "Be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves." James 1:22 "What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, ' Depart in peace, be warmed and filled, ' but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." James 2:14-17 "But if someone will say, ' You have faith, and I have works. ' Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith by my works." James 2:18 "You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe--and tremble!" James 2:19 "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." James 2:26 For the sake of time, I will link my post on having active faith here. Much of James is spent on the topic of active faith. It is so easy to fall into complacency or lukewarm faith because of modern teachings which misrepresent scripture. Have you ever heard the saying, faith as small as a mustard seed ? When you understand that the mustard seed does not remain a seed, but in fact grows into a large, invasive tree, you understand faith as a mustard seed doesn't mean having a little faith, but a growing faith. The parable of the mustard seed represents transformation and resilience through the nurturing of faith and relationship with God. Like the mustard seed that blooms into a strong tree, your faith will be evident in your transformation, in your works, in the fruits of the spirit you embody. On Building Community Instead of Division "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." James 5:16 When we judge or exclude others, project perfection, or speak in condemnation rather than with love and mercy, we shatter community and the true image of God--the true love of God--which saves. None of us are perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. The Book of James is a reminder of what true Christianity looks like and acts like. Let us remember the truth. Let us remember love. Let us remember we are not each other's enemy. There is only one enemy and his name is Satan. As in depth as this post is, there are still verses I was unable to include. I highly recommend you read the Book of James for yourself. It's only five chapters long and can be finished in two hours or less. In bookish terms, add this book to your TBR (To Be Read).

I'm excited to continue an in-depth study of the Book of James, but as I began that planned post another one took precedence. In writing my introduction, I like to note the author of the book and provide backstory on them, so you understand the person behind the testimony / wisdom you're receiving. If you're like me, you probably grew up thinking every book in the Bible was written by God. We're told it's God's Word and it is. But it's important to understand, it's God's Word transcribed for us through prophets, disciples, and others who had direct experiences with God or the Holy Spirit. Yes, God's exact words are included in the text as well as Jesus' but God did not carve the Bible we know today into stone. That very fact is what leads to a lot of biblical skepticism, yet it's important to note as you study the Bible. James, Jesus's half brother (yes, Joseph and Mary had other children), did not accept the claims of Christ until after the Resurrection. However, he eventually became a respected leader in the early churches. In providing this backstory on James, I realized the importance of speaking on biblical skepticism and my own journey with it as I've grown my faith. Many people struggle with skepticism, like James, when it comes to the claims of the Bible. Because it was written by man, translated so many times, and some books were purposefully left out of Biblical cannon, it's easy for doubt to creep in , especially when we don't really want the truth. Before truly getting to know God, I doubted the relevance of the Bible. I didn't want to believe in a God who seemed like someone who set me up to fail. I preferred to remain ignorant of the Bible's teachings, because I didn't want to feel guiltier than I already did for falling short. That's a glimpse into my early religious experiences. My experience was very legalistic and rule-based. Being human wasn't allowed. Grace wasn't offered. The expectations were high and I was never good enough. That feeling of never being good enough is what drove me from the church and the Bible. I still believed in God. I still prayed to Him during times of hardship and heartache. But I didn't trust God to lead my life. I imagined Him as someone following me, not someone I'm supposed to follow. I didn't know Him. I didn't have a relationship with Him. I didn't love Him or feel His love for me. I didn't consult Him on my life choices or relationships. And I didn't read His Word, which is the first step to truly building the relationship He seeks with us. So, how did I overcome doubt and skepticism? Why do I accept the Bible as His Word/ Truth now? For me, my study of the Bible began with curiosity and discipline. I wanted to know what the Bible truly said so that no one could use it against me. I wanted to study it and decipher the truth for myself. For one year, I made a point to read my Bible every Sunday. As someone who is a slow reader, loves to take notes, and truly reflect on the Word to find meaning, this form of isolated study was exactly what I needed. During that year, so much happened. I started to desire more: more knowledge, more understanding, more prayer time, more encounters with God, and eventually, I desired to find my church home, which catapulted my spiritual growth. What started as my discipline, my choice, God took and multiplied. The encounters I had with God during my year-long study kept me going. I remember having a revelation about God in bed one night. It wasn't something I'd read in the Bible, but was based off my understanding of Him, which had been building. The revelation was that God is neither man nor woman. He is not Father or Mother. He embodies all characterists of humanity / the qualities of both genders. As a woman, I'd always struggled with what it meant to be created in God's image. Obviously, the Bible uses male pronouns in reference to God. But God is not one thing. He is not limited. He is all-encompassing. He is I AM. While this may seem obvious or like an elementary revelation, it was huge for me! That night, a vision popped into my head confirming my revelation and I just started crying. I knew in my heart it was true. Not only did the truth make me weep, but the confirmation from God made me weep. It showed me He was right there with me, happy to reveal Himself to me the more I sought Him. The very next time that I read my Bible, there was a passage in the scripture that confirmed the exact revelation I had. And while male pronouns are used for God and we call Him Father, there are also female metaphors used to describe Him and Jesus as well. "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." Isaiah 66:13 "How often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings..." Matthew 23:37 (Jesus speaking) There's more if you're interested in researching this idea. Ultimately , once you feel His confirmation, His presence, you can't help but recognize His Word as truth. It is a heart posture of faith in the unseen. And I understand the struggle to get there. But it is possible. Even the harshest skeptics can have their heart changed by the Lord if they seek Him. Look at James. From a writer's standpoint, I also know that the Bible is far too detailed to be fictional. That may sound weird, but have you read Leviticus and Numbers? If it were fiction, there's a lot that could be cut and it would read so much better. The way it's written, you can tell it's an account, a historical account of events. So, for my logic lovers out there, that's for you. Now, do I think the Bible is all of God's Word / a complete account of the historical events surrounding God's interactions with humans and the supernatural events of the time the Bible was written? No. Plainly, no. I'm prioritizing the study of the Bible first, because I believe it is the core Christian text to study. However, there are other texts I'm interested in studying, like the Book of Enoch. And the nerd in me would love to see the Vatican archives. Why do I think certain texts were left out of Biblical cannon, like the Book of Enoch? Honestly, there are probably several reasons. I think the biggest is some texts are beyond us. Our spiritual maturity grows the more we study, the more we seek. Some revelations are too great, too complex to be preached openly in a congregation that may range from children to elders. And even some adults will never have the heart and mind nor the curiosity to seek beyond the Bible and that is 100% okay. The Bible encompasses the key texts needed to understand the prophecy of Jesus and the fulfillment of said prophecy. It is enough to study the Bible. But for those who are interested in seeking more, I do believe there is more to find. I personally have a copy of the complete Apocrypha and I was interested in reading Enoch after finishing Genesis, because Enoch is mentioned in Genesis. But a feeling came over me and I felt like God was telling me, "You aren't ready yet." So, it's still on the shelf and is waiting for me when I am. My personal recommendation for growing your faith is to start with the Bible and let God guide you to the truth. Don't let the exclusion of certain texts or the fact that the Bible was transcribed by man and translated from another language stop you from reading it. And know that there are some truths we will never uncover on earth. What we're meant to know, God will reveal at the right time. That in and of itself is another reason why I believe the Bible is God's Word. It's been thousands of years and it has stood the test of time. It hasn't been lost. It hasn't been discredited. There are skeptics, sure. But God's Word is eternal . When you experience God and grow in relationship with Him, He leads you to what is right, what is true. If the Bible weren't it, we'd know. Do I agree with everything in the Bible? No. But there's a difference between agreeing and believing. For example, I do not agree that a woman on her period is unclean. It's natural. It's human. But that was also mentioned during the time of the Old Testament. It was a different culture, a different law, a different covenant. Christ is the New Covenant. He makes us all clean. He is the ultimate sacrifice. More than anything, the biggest change in my heart and therefore, acceptance of God's Word and God's love, came from realizing--through pain and heartache--that His way is better. There are things we struggle with as humans--spiritual attacks--that we cannot overcome by our strength. We require the Holy Spirit to break the invisible chains we don't even realize we're wearing. We require the Holy Spirit to refine us and empower us to defeat sin. We cannot do it alone. As the Holy Spirit entered my life, my eyes were opened to the bondage that was holding me captive. There were things about me that the Devil had attacked and perverted from a young age. He got me when I was vulnerable, when I didn't have a relationship with the Lord, when I didn't know His Word, when I didn't know how to put on the Armor of God and stand against him. I was a lamb to the slaughter. And he held me with invisible chains for years. When my eyes were finally opened, I was heartbroken. The closest thing to describe it is, I felt like I had been raped both in a physical and emotional sense. And I didn't even realize it was happening until it was already over. I looked back at my past with new eyes and I saw how the Devil had used me, my body, and my sexuality for his pleasure, his fun. And as I cried, I realized God had been crying for me, breaking for me all this time, because unlike me, he knew what the Devil was doing. He saw the bondage, the perversion, the darkness seeping into me. And He had to sit there and watch, not because He wasn't powerful enough to stop it, but because I chose the darkness. I chose sin. I chose ignorance. I chose everything over Him and I didn't even realize what I was doing and what it was doing to me. That's why Jesus died for us. That's why, as He is suffering on the cross, He asks God to forgive us. He says, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34 We do not know the powers that work against us, but they're there. Or should I say, here? We do not know the curse of worldliness until it's finally broken, but we can't break it by ourselves. Spiritual battles must be fought by the Spirit, His Spirit . Since surrendering my life and my body to the Holy Spirit, I have finally felt God's love for me. Not because He didn't love me before, but because I couldn't feel Him before. My heart was closed. My mind was burdened with skepticism and doubt. I was walking in my own power, which just meant I was powerless against the one true enemy. But now, I know His love, the peace in surrender, the power of His Spirit, and I feel the call to share His Word/ Truth and my personal story. I share, not to convict but to help. I pray that whoever reads this has their own encounter with God and invites the Holy Spirit into their heart. I pray your eyes are opened and you feel the invisible chains break. I pray you feel the peace that surpasses all understanding, the peace that only God can provide. As you study the Bible, it's important to have an open heart. It's important to have faith. But if you're still struggling, don't see it as a reason to delay. See it as a reason to dive in, because when you seek Him, He won't ignore you. The moment I surrendered to Him, He wasted no time coming to save me. He wasted no time breaking those chains. He wasn't uncertain, slow, or angry at me for all my years spent in sin. He was ready and overjoyed that His child had finally come home. And now, I seek Him daily because the thing I fear most is going back to the bondage of sin. The world may seem like a fun friend, but it's all a mirage. God's way is better. His Word is our guide and His Spirit is our strength. I wish I didn't have to learn things the hard way. I wish I was someone with a boring testimony, especially considering I've lived a lowkey life. I speak on how the Devil perverted my sexuality, but I was never the hook-up, party girl. I grew up sheltered with traditional values that stuck with me even when I didn't have a strong relationship with God. My sin (my performance) was done in private. And that almost makes it hurt worse. When I say I chose , I was the responsible party. But I also know there's a reason why the Devil attacked me so young. There's a reason why he put roadblocks between me and God, why he made feel unloved and fearful of being alone forever. When I tell you I was a little girl, probably ten or younger, imagining how I would redecorate my parent's home after they died because I wouldn't be married; I'd be living there, I'm not lying. When I tell you I was the little girl who asked my grandma if it's okay for a girl to ask a boy to marry her, because I felt destined to be overlooked and needed to take matters into my own hands, I'm not lying. While these may seem like relatable thoughts for a 20+ year old woman who longs for love, I was a literal child. Not a teen or even a pre-teen, a child. I longed for love so much it led to quick compromise once I got into college. And that led to the dark habit and desperation for love that held me captive for years. While that is another post in itself, the point is: the Devil has been after me all my life. I see it now. And it was confirmed the morning after I truly surrendered to the Holy Spirit. I'd been in a process of surrender for probably a week, but it was solidified that day at church when I had the ladies pray for me that I would remain strong in my surrender. I was fearful of falling into sin. I was fearful of being separated from God again. This public, powerful moment of surrender was met with a test from Satan himself and this time, I was ready. I won't describe what happened, but it happened. And while it was my voice speaking, casting out the evil presence, it wasn't me. It was the Holy Spirit inside me that said, "I am a child of God. This is the dwelling of the Holy Spirit. You are not welcome here." Said with authority and power that is beyond me, it vanished and like a light switch, I woke up. You can call it a bad dream if you want, but I know the truth. And knowing the truth, seeing the bondage, seeing the way the Devil plays with us--played with me--is what has me clinging to God. And now, I'm stepping into the very reason why the Devil sought to silence me, distract me, and hold me in shame. All he did was set me up for the purpose God had all along. So, here we go. As my pastor says, "Let's get into it."

I had no intention of starting my blog, Woman In The Word , today. But as I finished my morning scripture read from the Book of James, I was so overcome with the importance of the Word, I had to share it. That sense of urgent desire to share God's Word, the wisdom He is imparting to me, and the ways He is changing my heart is exactly what's taken hold of me over the past few months and led me to make the changes professionally you're starting to see unfold. After over a decade of struggling to know God, trust Him, and feel His love, everything has changed for me over the last five months. I can't wait to share more of my personal story back to God through this blog, but for today, I want to keep this post short and full of wisdom, just like the Book of James. I'm currently completing the devotional Anchored In His Word: 90 Days to Draw Near to God by Spiral Bible. Today's scripture was James 2:17 --> "Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." For reference, I am using the NKJV translation of the Bible. But the idea of faith without works being dead is far bigger than that one line. Here is a longer excerpt from James for our reflection today. "Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. Be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the word, this one will be blessed in what he does." James 1:21-25 "What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to the them, 'Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,' but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, it it does not have works, is dead. But someone will say, 'You have faith and I have works.' Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe--and tremble!...You see then that a man is justified by works, and not by faith only. ... For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." James 2:14-19 + 24 + 26. There is so much to unpact here. I may need to write several posts on the Book of James. But remaining focused on the concept of active faith, we are given two examples of what inactive faith looks like. Today, we might call this the lukewarm Christian. The first example is the man observing his reflection in the mirror. When he walks away from the mirror, he immediately forgets what kind of man he is. His sense of self comes from outward appearance, not inward transformation. This kind of passive observance is similar to doing Christian things like reading your Bible and attending church, but not letting it transform you. The teachings of the Lord don't stick. The moment you leave the church or shut your Bible, you're leaving their wisdom and the Holy Spirit behind like the man who walks away from the mirror and forgets who he is. In James 1:21-25, we are called to: set aside our worldly ways receive God's Word with humility allow God's Word to be implanted in us so we do not forget His ways when we close our Bible be doers of the Word: live and love according to His ways and wisdom The second example of inactive faith, provided in James 2:14-19 depicts someone asking for help and being turned away with prayer alone. Prayer is powerful. But as Christians, we are not called to be passive observers of those in need. We are called to be vessels of the Holy Spirit. What does that mean? Well, that's an entirely different post. But, in short, we are prayer in action. Imagine that person has been praying for help. They've been praying for clothes to cover their nakedness, praying for shoes because they're walking on the hot asphalt, praying for a warm meal because they haven't eaten in weeks. And they cross your path. You are now in position to be their answered prayer, just like Jesus is the answer to all of our prayers. Intending to help and actually helping are two different things. Just like believing that God exists and following Jesus (surrendering to His Spirit, allowing Him to transform your heart, and follow His ways) is another. And when you truly do that, when you surrender to the Holy Spirit and commit yourself to following His ways, you can't help but do good works. You are transformed. There will be this innate desire in you to help, to spread the Word of God, to love as Jesus loves, and so much more. Why? Because He is in you. He has implanted Himself in you through the Word of God and your surrender. He doesn't stay at home while you go to work like your Bible on the shelf. He is with you with every step you take and through you, He is alive in the world today. In James 2:14-19, we are called to: believe that there is one God show our faith by our works If you're like me, you probably grew up hearing faith alone will get you into Heaven. But the Lord tells us, faith without works is dead like the body without the Spirit is dead. So what is faith without works? It's not faith at all. It is belief and even the demons believe that God exists and Jesus died on the cross. Furthermore, being a Christian is not about getting into Heaven. That is merely the promise, the gift given to us by the grace of God through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. But being a Christian here on earth means bringing Heaven to earth. Now, I invite you to pause and reflect. Let these words sink in before finishing this post. And know, my reflections are mine alone. I'm only sharing my take on the scripture. My words are not truth. The Word of God is the truth I seek to share and I believe God guides us through His Word, enlightening each of us according to His will, according to His timing. So, take my reflections as mine and His Word as truth. As I was reflecting on this scripture today, my own parable came to me. If you don't know me personally, then you may not realize I've been on a weight loss journey for over three years now. No pills, injections, or surgeries. Just slow and steady progress of changing my habits. During this time, I've lost almost 140 pounds and I'm still going. I can't tell you how many times people have said to me, "You inspire me. I'm going to start doing XYZ." And then it never happens. This is not to judge only to provide a relatable, modern-day example. Inspiration without action is stagnation. We can know how to improve our health or reach our physical fitness goals. We can know the healthy foods to eat. We can know that certain foods and certain volumes of food aren't good for us. We can know that physical activity is good for us. We can have all the information we need to better our life and health, but if we don't act on the information we have, we remain stagnant. Or worse, our bodies continue to deteriorate the same way that sin destroys our hearts. Knowing God exists is not enough if we don't know Him, know Jesus. To truly know means to be intimately acquainted with. We know Him and He knows us. That relationship is an exchange that leads to transformation and that transformation of spirit leads to active faith. How do we get to know Him? Through His Word, the Bible. So, to close, let's spend a little more time in His Word to drive this idea of active faith home. In Matthew 7 , Jesus speaks of those who will inherit the kingdom of God. In verse 16 , He says, "You will know them by their fruits." Continuing in Matthew 7:19 , "Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them." Jesus is driving home the importance of active faith, of living out the Word of God, of bearing good fruit not just believing that God/ Jesus exists. Jesus continues to speak on the importance of relationship with Him and the necessary transformation through the Holy Spirit in Matthew 7:21-22 "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord' shall enter the kingdom of Heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in Heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name? ' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness .' " Matthew 7 reveals: It is important to bear good fruit / do good works. While many people think good works refers to our profession, the good works the scripture speaks of is not about our profession. Nor does it imply going through the motions of being a Christian. The fruit Jesus speaks of is The Fruit of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These qualities are the result of the Holy Spirit's work in said person's life. So, bearing good fruit is what we do, how we do it, and why we do it. And it is not by our strength but His. Matthew 7 continues to reveal that belief in the Lord is not enough to enter Heaven. Those who do the will of the Father enter the kingdom. Do is a verb, meaning we are called to act, to do, to have active faith. We know the will of God on a basic level. He desires relationship with us. We build relationship with the Lord by reading His Word and praying to Him. Like any other relationship, we get to know Him. We listen to Him and we speak to Him. Unlike any other relationship, this one requires faith in the unknown, the unseen, faith in Him. Trust in Him. And while that can be difficult to come by--for me as well--a relationship with the Lord brings a kind of peace, joy, understanding, love, and freedom that no other relationship can. A final note on one important word from Matthew 7, lawlessness . We all know what laws are. We follow them daily. Maybe not always the speed limit, but you get what I mean. We actively follow . We do . Or we don't. It's a choice. It's an action. And I'll close there. I hope that this blog will help you find your way to a closer relationship with God. As I write these posts, I'm on the same journey of discovery. I'm on a faith-strengthening, relationship-growing, eye-opening, heart-changing, Spirit-led journey through God's Word. I hope you'll join me. Until next time, Emily A. Myers P.S. Save the image below for a reminder to have active faith.

SPOILER ALERT: This letter includes spoilers for You Can Always Come Home . Of all the words I’ve poured onto the pages over the last five years, these might be the hardest to come by and the most important. If you’ve been a reader of mine for a while, you’ve probably already noted a shift in my storytelling over the years. My first published novel, The Truth About Unspeakable Things, was a bit all over the place if I do say so myself. Was it women’s fiction? Romantic Suspense? Somewhere in between? It was an award-winning combination of all three—a story of heavy-hitting themes women could relate to, with a romance you could root for, and more suspense than most were expecting. When I dove into writing my first novel, I had no plan. I let the words take me where they wanted, which was beautiful, but also left me with no vision for what would come next. My personal fascination with the Mafia and love of dark romance books led to the Blood and Bourbon series. There are so many things I love about those books. I love the mystery in Mine to Protect , the banter and playfulness in Mine to Tease , and the way Mine to Love offers two broken people the love, family, and second chance they’ve always deserved. Most of all, I love the desperation to love and be loved, to see and be seen, inked on the pages. “If the world cannot bear witness to our love, then love me in the dark without inhibition.” – Mine to Protect “I needed to see you happy. Because, if you’re happy, then maybe that would make the pain of losing you more bearable.” – Mine to Tease “I want to know your darkness. I want to know where it lurks, what it says. I want every memory that haunts you. I want to know it, him, by name.” – Mine to Love I’m never short of ideas. I am a creative force. I saw so much potential in building my Mafia romance universe. Characters I owed a story still live in my head, but I couldn’t live up to the reader’s expectations for steamy sex and tons of violence. So, I switched it up and found my way to Magnolia, my fictional small town inspired by my own hometown. I absolutely love my Magnolia Blooms duet, even though it still carries traces of my spicy and suspenseful previous work. “Everyday plants a new seed that every tear waters. I can only hope that one day our seeds of hope bloom into something beautiful.” – You Can Feel It In The Silence “My past is nothing but the prison for the ghosts who used to haunt me.” – You Can Always Come Home “Maybe life isn’t about what happens to us—or who couldn’t love us—but how we rewrite the story to make it something beautiful.”— You Can Always Come Home “Our story doesn’t end with hurt, nor does it glorify those who hurt us. It ends with hope and love.” – You Can Always Come Home Still, despite my original vision for expanding the Magnolia universe, I’m facing an all-too-familiar spirit check as I conclude my first small-town romance duet. I am proud of these stories, but they—like my previous work—are tied to my wounds. They are more my story than I even realized, and as I try to move beyond my pain, there are some things I need to leave in the past. I think it’s been difficult for me to find my way as a writer because it’s been difficult for me to find my way as a woman. When I published The Truth About Unspeakable Things , I said it set the tone for my future work as it followed a young woman’s journey through the dangerous pitfalls of adult relationships and the complexities of growing up. Little did I know, I was on that exact journey. And while I am still on that journey—a work in progress as both a woman and a writer—I’ve reached a turning point in my life that I must honor as both a woman and a writer. As you know, the Magnolia Blooms duet prominently features the theme of coming home. In You Can Feel It In The Silence , April is a woman on the move. She lost her sense of home long ago and doesn’t believe she’ll ever find it again until she does in Magnolia with Emmett. Emmett was forced to return to Magnolia when his younger sister needed him, but his hometown never felt like home until love entered it, until April. In You Can Always Come Home , Emerson’s home is a war zone, and she dreams only of escaping until Noah makes her feel safe. She discovers home in an unexpected place and face, only to have it ripped away when Noah loses his foundation—his family. Noah’s journey represents the various ways we come back home. Home is not just a physical place or even a person. When we’re broken inside, even our own skin feels like strange territory. That’s something Emerson can relate to as well. Emerson and Noah’s story is the ultimate tale of coming home—from their return to self, return to each other, Noah’s return to Magnolia, and even return to baseball. Little did I know, their story would be written during and influenced by my own journey back home—back to God. After growing up in the church and receiving nothing but Bible Belt bruises, I sought freedom the moment I started college. While I won’t detail my full testimony here, I will say that, for me , freedom without God was actually bondage. I was so unprepared to enter the world at eighteen. My unpreparedness—spiritually and otherwise—led to many struggles with relationships: relationship with self, with my parents, romantic relationships, and with God. I never learned how to have a relationship with God, only fear him. That fear—and condemnation I received—just made me angry, like I was set up to fail, like I’d never be good enough. The last thing I wanted was to go to church or read my Bible, because it only made me feel worse about myself. What brought me back to Him? Being broken one too many times. In every moment of heartbreak, He’s been right there waiting for me. He’s guided me through my worst moments, even reaching out and saving me when I wasn’t seeking Him. I can look back on my story and find God everywhere, but when did I feel Him most? It was during my divorce that, shattered by heartbreak, I pressed a knife to my wrist. The words that came over me were, “My blood is worth more than this.” They were not my words, but words spoken to me. God pulled me out of the darkness. I put the knife down, reached out for help, and got into therapy. I’ve been on a healing journey ever since. But it would take nearly four years after that moment with God for me to truly seek Him without ceasing. Now that I am seeking the Lord without ceasing, my heart is changing, and my spirit is lit with a new mission. I no longer want to write from a place of heartbreak, trauma, and fractured self-worth. I no longer want to write scenes that lead me into temptation (ahem, spicy sex). I no longer want to dance around faith in my books. I want to reclaim romance for myself the same way I’ve reclaimed my faith, my church community, and my relationship with God. I’m ready to enter a new era of life, love, and storytelling. I’m currently brainstorming ideas for spice-free, faith-influenced romantic fiction and faith-influenced non-fiction for women on a journey like mine. It’s possible some of my fictional stories could be set in Magnolia. It’s even possible we see our Magnolia favorites, like Luke and Beau, take the lead in one of the stories. But regardless of where this calling takes me, the vision of what could be feels more fulfilling than ever. So, here is to Emma and Julian, Alister and Ariana, Damon and Anastasia, Gio and Darcy, April and Emmett, Emerson and Noah and all the supporting characters that’ve been my vessels of expression during this season of heartache and healing. I love you. I thank you. I honor you. But it’s time I write the next chapter of my story. Ha! Not me tearing up. They’re like my little children, and I can see them waving goodbye to me. They’re smiling and waving, and I’m crying as I leave them. But every ending is a new beginning. And while my new beginning is catching even me by surprise, I know I’m ready. My latest book—the last book of this heartbreak era—proves it to me. Emerson wishes she could’ve held on to the life and love that Noah spoke into her, so she didn’t fall victim to the ones who couldn’t love her. But when she felt abandoned by Noah, everything she thought she knew felt like a lie. Similarly, when we feel abandoned by God, we forget His promises, His word—we forget or question who He really is. Maybe, like me, you never really knew Him to start with. I wish I would’ve known God and who He says I am before I entered the world, before I faced darkness, before I sought love in the wrong places. Knowing my worth in Him would’ve protected me. Noah is a bright light snuffed out by tragic loss. While we may not all face the same tragedy as he did, we all face our own demons. A lot of times, like Noah, when we think we’ve lost ourselves or are no good or aren’t worthy of forgiveness, we hide in shame. We refuse to return home, or to God. But like Emerson says, “My trust and forgiveness aren’t yours to earn. They’re mine to give.” We don’t have to earn God’s forgiveness. He gives it to us willingly if we seek Him, because He loves us. As someone who has struggled to feel God’s love, I understand if that’s hard to believe. In the weeks prior to writing this letter—yes, that recent—I realized I’d been struggling to believe that God wants good things for me. I blamed God for my pain. I thought He was doing nothing but testing me, not protecting me. And as a romance writer—as a woman—who has always dreamed of her own love story, the single season has felt like a curse. I’ve questioned if it’s actually a season or if I am destined to be alone forever, if I’ll ever have a chance at healthy love. The thought of giving up hope for love, like Emerson had before Noah’s return, was the most discouraging thing for me. It left me angry, hopeless, and fearful of how I might give in to my misery. The truth I’m clinging to now is revealed in the final sentiments of this book: “Our story doesn’t end with hurt, nor does it glorify those who hurt us. It ends with hope and love. What happens after heartbreak? Happily ever after. ” * Would you believe me if I told you that none of this was planned? I didn’t write You Can Always Come Home intending for it to have influences from my faith journey. Nope. This was always Emerson and Noah’s story until it became mine. Am I worried I won’t be able to live up to my own intentions? Yes. Will making changes in my storytelling be difficult? Probably . Even more so… Just because the Lord has restored my hope in this moment doesn’t mean I’ll never feel hopeless again. Just because I’m choosing to trust Him, doesn’t mean I’ll never doubt again. But we aren’t called to be perfect. We are called to trust Him and seek Him. We are called to come home . When Emerson says she can’t promise not to hurt herself again, that scene felt so real to me, and it’s another ministry message worth mentioning as I close. She says, “Promise me you won’t be mad if I fail. Promise me you’ll never run out of patience, kind words, gentleness— love —for me.” It may seem hard to believe, but God won’t run out of love or patience for you—even when the world does. God still loves you when you fail. In fact, to Him, our failures aren’t failures at all. They’re where and when He does His best work, just like the trauma my characters experience— the trauma I’ve experienced —is what sets them up for their greatest redemptive arcs. “ Mistakes. Maybe our life isn’t defined by the mistakes we make, but by the people our past equips us to help.” Sometimes I look at the books I’ve written, and I wish I could erase them, along with the lost years of my life. But our past is exactly what God uses to create purpose in our present and future. So, I claim those titles and every part of my story, because they’re what got me here. And I couldn’t go where God is leading me—I couldn’t step into this new calling—without the preparation of my past. Thank you for guiding me home, Lord. And thank you to my readers, who have supported me over the past five years. I understand if you don’t follow me into this new chapter. I still love you. For those who do, thank you. I’m excited to bring you new stories of love and hope. Although this time maybe instead of tragically beautiful they’ll just be beautiful. With Love, Emily A. Myers

When Mine to Protect was released in 2022, I had no idea I'd develop a full series around the Amato family. Now two years later, the Blood and Bourbon series has wrapped and I've been inspired to write an extended ending for our beloved first couple--Alister and Ariana. Mine to Protect can be read and enjoyed without the following extension, but if you loved these characters as much as I did and want to see even more of their happily ever after, keep reading. And, for more mafia romance set in New Orleans, read Mine to Tease (available now) and Mine to Love (coming February 11, 2025) Part 1: Alister Sophia out did herself. She’s turned our typically all-white ballroom into a winter wonderland. Dimly lit crystal chandeliers reflect on the shiny white floors, almost like little snowflakes. While Christmas trees decorated with ornaments in shades of pink and red and adorned with diamonds, pearls, and lace surround the perimeter of the room. It’s magical, glamourous, and somehow still cozy. It is the perfect setting for our family’s reunion. Sophia and Cassio make the rounds, greeting the guests with large and shiny smiles. This is their homecoming just as much as it’s mine. And, with her pregnancy, who knows when they’ll be back in New Orleans after the holiday? My cousin, Damon, dances with his wife while Gio tends to his love at their private home, away from all the fuss. Away from the fuss is where I’d like to be. The only reason I agreed to let Sophia host this extravagant party is because I’d hoped it would be more than a party, more than a Christmas Ball, more than a reunion of sorts for my family. I’d hoped it would be a celebration of mine and Ariana’s love. The eight caret emerald cut ring I’ve chosen for Ariana weighs heavy in my pocket. The priest I invited waits anxiously by the catering station. Perhaps it was presumptuous of me to think tonight could be our wedding or to even think that after all this time, Ariana would heed my invitation. That she would still love me, still choose me. I shake my head as worrisome thoughts make my cheeks hot and my throat constrict. I have to get out of here. Loosening my bowtie and unbuttoning the top button of my dress shirt, I hurry out the back entrance of Laroux House, grabbing a glass of bourbon from a passing tray as I do. My insides burn as I down the beverage while galloping down the concrete steps towards the quieter gardens. I need as much space between me and that party as possible. I never did like these loud affairs, but tonight’s festivities irk me in a different way. If Ariana doesn’t come, then this whole night is nothing more than a painful reminder of the love I’ve lost—the life I was too careless to preserve. A year—it was too long. While Ariana was never far from my heart, perhaps the distance I put between us was too damaging to overcome? I collapse onto the bottom step as reality sinks in. What if it was all for nothing? Well, not nothing. I know I did the right thing by giving up my crown, by stepping away from the Mafia. I haven’t exactly adjusted to this new way of life yet, but it certainly seems to suit Damon and Gio. And they were always far more receptive to the ways of the Mafia than I. But if my new life is a life without Ariana, then I don’t want it. I might as well be back in Europe, off the grid. My shoulders sink and I lower my gaze to the gravel beneath my feet. That is until the sound of a horse’s hooves draws my attention. Part 2: Ariana My chest flutters with nerves so intense it feels as if my heart may beat right out of my chest. Perhaps I was wrong to think this gorgeous dress—made of white tulle and red velvet—is from Alister. Perhaps I was wrong to assume he’s returned. But only he would sneak into my apartment and leave a gift and invitation in such a dramatic fashion. I lift my shaky fingers to the diamond and ruby necklace resting heavy on my chest. He’s done this before—right before he left New Orleans, to be exact. And if the invitation was from Gio or Sophia, it would’ve just been a text. No, I can feel it. Alister is back. He’s come for me, just in time for Christmas. That thought has my lips spreading into the biggest of smiles. I wonder if he looks the same? I wonder if he smells the same? I wonder what the past year has been like for him? I wonder if I’ll be able to speak at all when I see him? All I want is to throw my arms around him, squeeze him tight, and never let him go. And yet, there’s a little pit in my stomach that lets me know I’m scared. What if this is just another let down? What if, after all this time, we feel like strangers to one another? What if reality doesn’t compare to all the fantasies I’ve concocted in my head over the past year of what our reunion would be like? Perhaps, worst of all, what if we don’t make it? What if all this longing, hoping, praying—all the heartache I’ve held onto and lived in for the past year—ends up being futile? What if we were never truly meant for happily ever after? What if we were just meant to help each other—he to help me find my mother’s killer and my true family and me to help him solve the mysteries of his past and inspire him to live the life he’s always felt was just out of reach? What if we’ve already served our purpose? As brave of a face as I put on, as much as I bury myself in my work and pretend I’m fine, my heart can’t take that kind of defeat. It’s then that the horse-drawn carriage slows and the exterior of Laroux House peeks through the trees lining our gravel path. I take a deep breath, knowing all the questions will soon be answered, even if I’m not prepared for the truth. But, as the sound of footsteps—quick and relentless—reach my ears, all the anxiety in me instantly calms. Alister stands before me, breathless with flushed cheeks. There is a nervous quiver to his lip as his eyes widen with anticipation as he takes me in. His expression mimics the desperation gnawing at my insides and I know—he’s missed me just as much as I’ve missed him. “Allow me,” he says then, extending his hand to help me from the carriage. Suddenly, I feel warm and my lips draw into a calm smile. I place my hand in Alister’s—our embrace is simple and yet it feels like home. He feels like home. Though the moment is short as he switches the position of his hands and pulls me from the carriage with surprising quickness and force. The movement pulls me from the metaphorical sleep I’ve been in for the past year and wakes me to reality, the reality that finally includes him. He really is back. “I was beginning to think you weren’t coming,” he says, pulling me tightly against him. In his arms, everything feels just as it used to be . He smells the same, like cinnamon. He looks the same—black as night hair with golden brown eyes that seem to glow. Even his facial hair is groomed exactly as the last day I saw him. In his arms, it’s like no time has passed at all. It’s like we’ve been frozen in a Christmas snow globe, placed on a shelf. And now, we’ve come back to life, thawed, despite the chilly December air nipping at my skin. “You made me wait for you an entire year. The least you can do is wait an hour or two for me.” My reply is more coy than I truly feel. I want to crawl inside his skin and stay there, inside his safety and warmth forever. Though, perhaps, the more realistic solution is to have him crawl inside me. “I’m going to have my hands full with you, aren’t I?” he asks. I tilt my head to the side with narrowed eyes. “Did you expect anything less?” Alister shakes his head and brings his finger to my chin. The subtle movement steals my breath. It’s then that he brings his lips to mine and all words, all senses, fail me. My body goes limp in his arms as we kiss each other desperately. He bites at my lower lip while I invade his mouth with my tongue. He tastes the same as when we shared our first kiss—like bourbon. Somehow that taste makes this feel even more real. Tears well in my eyes and I wrap my arms around his neck, deepening our kiss. My forehead aches with all the words I wish to say, all the pain I’ve endured in his absence, and all the hopes I have for the future. My body has just as much of a reaction to mine and Alister’s reunion as my heart. “Ariana, my love,” Alister says, his voice raspy as he breaks our kiss. “Yes.” My voice is nothing but a whisper as my eyes still closed, drip tears. “Sweetheart, I’m going to need you to look at me.” I nod, eyes still closed, as my face contorts with all the emotion I’ve held inside the past three-hundred and something days. I break. These aren’t dripping tears, they are puddles flooding down my face. “Oh, baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know this time apart was hard. I know you’re hurting and you’ve been hurting. I’ve been hurting too.” Alister pulls me tight against him and holds me while I shake. Softly, he plants a kiss amongst my raven-colored locks. “But that’s all over now, okay? The wait is over and now, now, we can truly live. We can be together. We can have our happily ever after. If you want it, it’s yours. And so is this.” With one arm still wrapped tightly around me, I open my watery eyes to find Alister reaching for something in his pocket. I gasp. Quickly, I wipe the remnants of tears from my eyes and watch as he pulls a little box from his pocket. “Is that?” I look from the box to Alister with my mouth agape. He nods. It’s then that his eyes gloss over with tears of his own. “This ring, this home, and my heart are all yours—if you want them? If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance, I promise to spend the rest of my life making your days happy and filled with love. I promise you everything, Ariana Valentine, because you deserve everything.” Alister doesn’t even wait for my answer before slipping the giant ring onto my finger. To no surprise, it fits perfectly. He knows me—he knows me as if I am his most prized possession and I am. “If I want?” I repeat his words. “Alister Amato, I want nothing more than to be yours.” Part 3: Alister Hand in hand, Ariana and I walk into the ballroom. Little does everyone know we’re now married. Sophia will be pissed she missed the opportunity to plan us an extravagant wedding. Gio won’t exactly be happy he missed the occasion either. But he’s needed at home and I couldn’t wait a moment longer to make this beautiful woman my bride and my wife. Now, I can’t wait to get her to my—our—bedroom. As we cut across the dancefloor, Sophia and Cassio make eye contact, lifting their glasses to us. Ariana and I smile at them. Sophia never doubted us for a moment. Even when I second guessed things, or perhaps even Ariana struggled to remain hopeful, Sophia remained certain. Without her, our union wouldn’t be possible. None of what happened over the past year would’ve been. Damon, Gio, and I have all joined her and Cassio in the realm of happiness. It’s a strange place I never thought I’d get to visit, let alone take up residence in. But, now that I’m here, I never want to leave. “Excuse me, sir. I’m Aidan Cro—” I bristle as Josephine’s proxy king approaches, stopping Ariana and I in our tracks right before we reach the marble staircase. “Impeccable timing, Cross,” I say, maneuvering Ariana away from him. “For the foreseeable future, I’m unavailable. Should that change, I’ll let you know.” I leave him with a wink, assuring him I’ll find him if he needs a lesson or two on how to run this city. But, with Gio’s plan unfolding—the one that includes Zane, Xander, and the others—I don’t think that’ll be necessary. “Now, where were we?” I ask, turning to Ariana as I guide her up the stairs. “Taking it all in,” she says, turning to face the Christmas extravaganza beneath us. She watches the dancing couples sway around the dancefloor, the children shake the presents beneath the trees—wondering what’s inside. She even spots her dad and her extended family amongst the crowd. “We can stay, if you’d like. There’s no rush for what happens next when we have the rest of our life.” “No.” She shakes her head. “It’s not that. It’s just…” I know what she’s thinking without her saying it. She was alone for so many years—all her life, truly. She never had a family and spent years wondering why her mother was murdered so brutally when she was so young. She questioned everything, never finding peace, never having anyone to rely on. It’s nice to know I could give her everything she’d been missing—peace, happiness, a family, a support system—just as she’s given me everything that always evaded me. We truly are meant for each other. And, as I squeeze her hand and cast my eyes out upon the crowd, same as her, I see the light our love has allowed to break through the clouds that once covered my world in shades of gray. “I know,” I whisper then. “I feel it too.” She squeezes my hand in return and then shifts her attention to me. “Now, I’m ready to feel something else. I’m ready to feel you.” Her words steal my smile and have my eyes dancing across her body. I admire the way her raven-colored hair shines. Her long, thick curls are pulled neatly into some kind of an up-do. I can’t wait to mess it up. Her delicate heart-shaped face is so sweet and innocent-looking, I almost feel bad for the things I’m about to do to her. But the playfulness hidden deep in her gaze and the mischievousness etched in her brows let me know she’s up for the challenge. It’s then that I bring my hand to the bodice of her strapless ballgown. I rub the delicate lace between my fingers as an excuse to brush my hand against her chest. She lowers her gaze and watches my hands, perhaps questioning how far I’ll go within full visibility of our guests. Don’t worry, mi amore. I protect what’s mine and you are mine—in every sense of the word. “You remember what I told you the first time we did this?” I ask. “The only time,” she corrects. “How could I forget?” “Repeat it to me now,” I command, gliding my hand down the curves of her breast and waist. As my fingers reach her hip, I tug her toward me with force. She gasps, but loves every second of it. “ I love you. Whatever happens next, I want you to remember that. ” I nod. “And what else did I tell you?” Ariana closes her eyes as I bring my lips to her neck. She moans. “Say it, wife. I need to make sure you remember.” “Alister, I trust you not to—” “Say it, please .” I pull away from her then and look her in the eyes. “I have waited an entire year to have you in my arms, in my bed, an entire year to feel you. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t know if I can control myself enough not to.” Ariana shakes her head. “Alister, I’m just as eager for this as you are. My body craves you. I’m wet right now, ready for you to take me in ways I can’t even imagine. So, if you need me to say it, I will. But the same goes for you. Alister, I crave you so desperately I’m afraid I may hurt you. If I do, tell me and I’ll stop. ” She glides her hands up my chest, then slyly unbuttoning two more of my buttons so half my chest is exposed. “ Or have me make it up to you after in any way you choose .” She leans forward and kisses my bare skin. “ Whatever you do, don’t forget I love you. ” I bring my hand to the back of her neck as she kisses the place just above my heart. “Thank you,” I whisper. And without further delay, I scoop her into my arms and carry her the rest of the way up the stairs. In unimaginable ways? Hmm, lucky for her, I have an extremely vivid imagination. Part 4: Ariana Alister shoves me against the bedroom door, kissing me ferociously as he fumbles with the knob. Any chill the winter air left on my skin has vanished, chased away by the heat of passion radiating between us. Once—we’ve only done this once before. That one memory of us was all I’ve had to cling to, all I’ve had to keep me company at night while he’s been away. Now, with him in my grasp, my heart races with anticipation. My legs tingle with excitement. And my dress itches my skin, ready to be stripped from me. Alister holds me by the throat as his tongue invades me. There’s a possessive sting to his touch and yet, it only makes me open my mouth wider. I want all of him. Every inch of his tongue. I want it slithering down my throat until I can’t breathe. The door gives way behind me and Alister steadies me by the back of my neck. He breaks our kiss and I take him in. It’s the moment of silence before the ravaging. The first time we did this, we took things slow. We savored it. We savored each other. We examined every inch of each other’s bodies, took note of every scar, every freckle. It was a moment to last a lifetime. But, tonight—nothing about this will be slow. No, tonight will be raw, rough, and relentless. As the glow of his brown eyes darkens and his gaze drifts from my face to my breasts, I take a step back into the all-black, dimly lit bedroom. Alister’s jaw tightens as I take another step. With his shirt nearly half off already, he shucks out of his suit jacket, leaving it on the hall floor before crossing the threshold of his bedroom. His eyes slowly drift up my body once more as he slams the door closed behind him. I take another step back, inching my way toward the bed as Alister moves toward me. He’s like an animal, a lion stalking his prey. I quite like feeling like the innocent lamb headed to the slaughter. I want him to take me, claim me, unleash himself on me. And, once I’ve felt him, once my flesh has been marked by him—quite literally—I will return the favor. Alister tugs at his shirt with such force, the remaining buttons scatter across the floor as he throws the garment aside. As my knees bump against the edge of the bed, I gasp and find myself cornered, ready for the taking. Alister’s eyes narrow into slits as he comes closer. Reaching for his belt, he discards it. Next, he removes his pants. By the time he reaches me, he is completely naked. He stands before me, even more chiseled than before. The sight of him gives new weight to the words he had me recite. Alister has always been strong, large, muscular, and capable of inflicting pain. And while I never back down from a challenge—perhaps it’s the FBI agent in me or the restless spirit inside me that’s been fighting for her life since she was young—but this Alister, I’m not sure if I can stand toe to toe with him. He might actually hurt me. “Now, it’s your turn,” he says, his breath tickling my neck. Without warning, he spins me around so that my back is to him. His movements are so quick and forceful, I lean forward and brace myself against the bed with my palms. I pinch my eyes closed, unable to ignore the yearning between my legs. My vagina aches for him. And I’ve never been more wet. My slick desire pours out of me as Alister brings a knife to the laces of my corset bodice, slicing through them with ease. The knife clangs against the hardwood as he throws it to the side. Within seconds, he has my gorgeous—now destroyed—dress at my ankles. That was my wedding dress. As Alister plants a kiss to my ass, covered only by the tiny fabric of my white lace thong, it finally hits me. We’re married. Today was my wedding. That was my dress. And this is my husband. This is my life! How I began today and how I’m ending it is nothing short of whiplash. My heart aches with tears I wish to cry but refuse to. Not now. I have the rest of my life to reflect on our crazy rollercoaster of a love story. But tonight, tonight, there is no room for thoughts or tears. Only love. Only passion. Only him and all the deliciously wicked things he plans to do to me. Picking me up from behind, Alister throws me on the bed. I’m left in nothing but my thong, high heels, and the glittering necklace weighing heavy against my chest. There’s something erotic about it. I feel sexy. I feel like this could be my new uniform within the confines of our home. Alister smirks as he joins me in bed, positioning himself between my legs. “What’s that look for?” I ask. “Nothing, my love. I’m just appreciating my stunning wife.” I smile, though it’s quickly stolen from me as a moan escapes me. Alister kisses my clit through the lace of my panties. Kisses, nips, licks. He toys with me until my legs shake. “My dear husband, if you don’t fuck me right now, I will kill you.” My words rip through me, raspy and desperate, as I grab hold of Alister’s thick hair. He laughs. “Well, we can’t have that, now can we? I just got you back.” Alister breaks my hold and removes my underwear in one quick motion. Adjusting himself overtop of me, he brings his hand to my throat. Yes, that’s it—claim me. I gasp as he enters me and chokes me at the same time. Despite how wet I am, it takes my body a moment to adjust to him. It’s been too long. I’m too tight. He’s too big. This is all too much and yet, it’s everything I want. “I’m never losing you again,” he says then as he thrusts in and out. “You’re stuck with me forever, Ariana Amato.” I nod, my tears finally escaping me as Alister’s grip around my neck leaves me gasping for air and his relentless, powerful thrusts have my insides tightening. Part 5: Alister Ariana’s pussy feels like home. I’ve been back in New Orleans for a week now and yet, this city, this room—nothing has been able to ease the emptiness inside me like her presence, like her pussy. I thrust in and out, finally releasing my grip on her neck as her face turns red and her arms shake as she lay beneath me. “I love you,” I whisper as she catches her breath. “I love you too,” she says. Her words let me know she’s okay and they give me the encouragement to proceed. Lifting one of her legs and placing it on my shoulder, I deepen my thrusts. She cries out and pinches her eyes closed. “God, you feel amazing,” I hiss. The way her body wraps around me is addictive. As much as I fear I may hurt her, I may hurt myself if I give in to my every craving for her. She wraps her arms around my neck to remain in place as my body jolts her on the slippery sheets. “Good girl.” Redirecting my desperation to her breasts, I pull her nipple between my teeth. I suck her hard, grazing my teeth over her sensitive bud to intensify the desire coiling inside her. We’ve got a long night of fucking ahead of us, but I can feel that she’s close to her first orgasm. After choking her so intensely, I decide to grant it to her. “Alister, Alister,” she says, tapping her fingers against my back as if she’s quite literally tapping out. Hmm, makes me remember our first dual out by the pool. Submission isn’t a word in Ariana Valentine’s vocabulary. But, it seems my wife has a changed heart. “Cum for me,” I command before taking her other nipple into my mouth. She hisses. Oh, is this one more sensitive? She shakes her head as if fighting her orgasm. “Don’t worry, mi amore. We’re just getting started. I just really want to see you lose control. I want you to release all the cum you’ve been keeping inside for me this year. And then I want to slurp up every drop before filling you with my own.” Ariana’s body tenses beneath me. Her core tightens and her hips lift. They strain against the bed as she adjusts herself, exposing her clit to more friction. Her insides grip my dick tightly and it takes everything in me to fight against my own release. And then, with rapid breaths turned to screams, Ariana cums. I gasp and grunt as her vagina squeezes and pulses around me. Her body pulls me in as if she wants to milk me for cum, the same as I pound her for hers. I can’t keep the satisfied grin off my face as this gorgeous spit-fire of a woman bends to my will and my body. As she finally settles, I kiss away the sweat droplets on her forehead and remove myself so I can follow through on my promise. Ariana is still gasping for air as I bring my mouth to her pussy. She cries out as I drag my tongue over her tender flesh. “Mmm, you taste like heaven.” I flick my tongue over her entrance, cleaning her of cum. As I finish, I kiss her clit softly and the look on her face lets me know it won’t be long before she’s ready for round two. But first… I crawl up her body and bring the tip of my dick to her perfect lips. “Open for me, wife.” Now Ariana is the one smiling. She opens for me and I fill her with my dick. She gags as she does her best to suck as I fuck her throat. I watch her closely as I slip in and out of her, making sure I don’t suffocate her. Yet, seeing her like this—beneath me, struggling to take all of me and yet desperate to—is just what I need to fill her throat with my cum. Ariana is my equal in every way—strong, smart, full of fire and love. She will challenge me and I her. And, like me, she will rise to every challenge. I don’t just have a wife. I have a partner, a queen—even though I’ve given up my throne. As I pull myself from her and kiss the cum dripping from her lips, I know the rest of my days will be an explosion of our love and passion, our loyalty to one another. They will be happy. I am happy—now that I’m home. THE END...AGAIN (: Writing this series has been incredible. The characters of Alister and Ariana, Sophia and Cassio, Damon and Ana, and Gio and Darcy will forever live inside me. And I hope you will carry them with you as well. The Blood and Bourbon series is my first full-length series to complete but it certaintly won't be my last. Be sure to check out the final Blood and Bourbon novel , Mine to Love , when it releases in February 2025. And subscribe to my newsletter or follow me on Instagram to keep up with what's coming next.

It's time to get to know the amazing April and Emmett. These characters, this world, this town have me by the heartstrings. I feel like I am this book and this book is me. Not everyone will understand that because I don't always share how my personal experiences influence my writing. But just know...this book is special. I hope these first two chapters give you and idea of what's to come and make you eager to read the rest of April and Emmett's story-- coming July 1st. Note: This first look is unedited but will be perfected before release. (: Chapter 1: April As I whip my school bus turned tiny home through the curvy, tree-lined roads toward the small town of Magnolia, Louisiana, I am reminded of how this all began. No, not the hurricane that ravaged my own small town in Georgia, inspiring a life of rebuilding old, forgotten places. I am reminded of my life’s first tragedy. My mother died in a car accident on a road not so different from this one before I was old enough to truly remember her. What I know of her and her death comes from stories my father told me. Her death was the catalyst that led to me being raised by a single father and all that came with it—a love for construction, an incredible sense of humor, undying optimism, a robust laugh—at least, before it was stolen from me—and the dream we shared. After practically growing up on a construction site, eager to spend every minute with my dad, the plan was for me to get a degree in business. After I graduated, he and I would travel the country doing just as I am now—breathing new life into old properties and small towns. It was a dream born of loss, love, and hope—the loss of my mother which created an inseparable bond between me and my dad, the loss of our home to Hurricane Emily, a love for small towns, and the hope of happiness my dad refused to let go of despite everything we endured. It was a hope he infused in me. It is that hope that keeps me going and in pursuit of our dream, despite my life’s greatest tragedy—the one that took him and my hearing from me. I suck in air as I reach an unexpected sharp turn. Biting my lip to the point of tasting blood, I hit the brakes and hook a hard right. The speed limit is thirty-five, so, thankfully, I’m not going fast enough to flip. Try telling that to the anxiety tightening my chest as a small white car suddenly stops in the road ahead to avoid a collision. I exhale as I narrowly squeeze past them. Welcome to Magnolia , a small sign reads just up ahead. Fittingly, it’s framed by small Magnolia trees and a variety of white flowers. It marks another sharp turn toward the left. Jeez.  These streets were not designed with buses in mind. After ten years of traveling through small towns with tight historic districts, you’d think I’d be used to it. Nope. The bus is a necessity rather than a pleasure, especially for someone with driving anxiety. It houses all my tools, and since my work keeps me on the move, it’s cheaper than renting a room for the months each job takes. Some of the places I visit, including Magnolia, don’t have such accommodations. My task here is to create that accommodation. By turning Magnolia into a destination, rather than a pass-through town, the other small businesses here can thrive. I get a glimpse of them as I hook the left, slowing to a crawl to take in the town’s offerings before continuing to my site. The town itself appears no larger than two city blocks. Maybe three, if I’m being generous. There are no traffic lights. Just one main road that juts off in a few different directions. The grassy Magnolia Square centers the town and is anchored on the north and south ends by a beautiful, little white church and Fincher’s General Stor e. Lining the sides of the square are a few other businesses— Myers’ bookstore, Magnolia Blooms flower shop—how fitting— Gallaspy’s antique gallery, a bakery and coffee shop, Luke’s Diner  , and more. There are nods to the state’s French history in the antique streetlamps scattered about, in the pastel paint colors chosen by some business owners, and in the antique brick comprising the structures. Similar to the French Quarter in New Orleans, all the buildings connect and share walls aside from the church and General Store. Unlike the French Quarter, they embody the country aesthetic commonly found in farming towns like this one. I love it. Truthfully, there are more trees and flowers than buildings. Magnolias, of course, larger pine trees, a few oaks. The town looks like a little gem hidden amongst the hills and forests of North Louisiana. It’s so small, it’s as if we’re not even supposed to be here, and it’s far enough off the main road that you’d never find it unless you were looking for it. And yet, the moment you discover it, it has a calm energy you wish you could live in forever. At least, that’s what courses through me, settling my lingering anxiety. Everything feels so quaint and relaxed—quiet. And while sometimes, for me, the quiet can be suffocating. I find it even more disorienting to be in congested, fast-paced environments. With so much life buzzing around me, so many conversations being had that I’m not a part of, bigger cities make me feel left out. I suppose that’s a feeling I had even before losing my hearing. I’ve always been an introvert, quiet, shy. Coming from a small town, it was common to spend most of your time with your family. But I never really found a way to branch out in college. I had few friends and went on fewer dates. Now, with this communication barrier, it’s even harder to make connections. I can’t help but wish I would’ve found my voice sooner. Maybe my life would’ve been different if I’d branched out, taken more chances, instead of clinging to my dad and his dream. Maybe I wouldn’t have been in the truck that night. I still would’ve lost him, but I wouldn’t have lost my hearing as the glass around me shattered, invading my ear canal and destroying my eardrums. But even as the bitter taste of regret tinges my tongue, it is brief. I will never regret the time I spent with my dad. The year of travel and renovations that we had before that tragic night was the best year of my life. And, as much as I wonder, how my life as a thirty-three-year-old woman would be different if I’d never lost my hearing, the truth is, this dream was just as much mine as it was my dad’s. I would still be doing the same thing. I would still exist on the move and on the outskirts of the world. And I would still struggle with making connections. Maybe that acknowledgment is what keeps me from being bitter. The day I lost my dad was the day my world went quiet. But maybe it always was. Maybe it was always meant to be. Pulling myself from my thoughts, I focus my attention back on the town. I see very few cars and even fewer people walking along the sidewalks. Glancing at my watch, I note the time. Ah! It’s lunchtime. And I know enough about the Southern summer heat to know that midday is not the time anyone wants to be outside. It’s then that two men exit the building with the pastel blue storefront— Luke’s Diner.  I can’t help but analyze them. I studied Magnolia before choosing this as my next job. But pictures and even the architecture only tell half the story of a place. The people? That’s the other half and these two are my first to encounter. At the sight of my bright-purple-painted bus, they both stop and stare. They’re both tall with dark hair, though the one closest to the road is more muscular, with biceps so big they look as if he could crush my head. He becomes the object of my fixation as I slowly pass by. Dressed in a white t-shirt, stained with God only knows what, and dark wash jeans, he looks at me with an intimidating glare. Maybe it’s the sun shining in his eyes. Or, maybe he’s just one of those people who are wary of newcomers or change. Yeah, I’ve encountered a few of those. The one downside to being a stranger working in small towns where everyone knows everyone is everyone wants to know you. Whether they have good intentions or not, small-town residents like to talk. While it’s still better than the big cities where everyone is talking around you but not to you, the pressure to communicate can sometimes be overwhelming. And I’m not sure if I blame my barrier or my shyness more. Regardless, if the people of Magnolia are anything like my first impression of Mr. Grumpypuss, I’ll plan to keep mostly to myself. As my watch vibrates on my wrist, alerting me of my upcoming turn, I gasp and, once again, swing a hard left as I nearly miss it. My tires skid as I turn off the paved road onto a gravel one leading out of town toward the woods. My backend nearly collides with the electricity pole as I do. Okay, focus, April. You’re almost there. I give myself an internal pep talk as my heart thumps in my chest and numbness threatens my legs. I nod to myself as I focus on reaching my destination. At this point, car accidents on curvy, country roads seem tethered to my bloodline. Not today, Satan. Not today. Chapter 2: Emmett The summer sun beams down, hot and blinding, as Luke and I continue our conversation outside the diner. It seems the thieves and vandals who’ve been terrorizing the towns around us have finally made their way to Magnolia. It’s a shame. Magnolia used to be a place you could leave your doors unlocked at night and your keys in your truck. Crime was something you saw on the news and in movies, not in your backyard. What’s most frustrating is that the people doing this aren’t even from here. Little do they know, we take care of our own. Which is why Luke has given me the warning. He knows I’ll look after not just my sister, mother, and niece but anyone who needs help. These punks will soon learn—Magnolia is not your playground. Although, as a bright purple school bus creeps through town, I suddenly feel like I’m back in school. “Who the hell or  what the hell is that?” I ask, squinting beneath the sun’s glare. Luke turns in the direction of the bus. It’s then that I notice the writing printed onto the purple exterior— Purple Bus Construction.  “Well, that explains it.” “What?” Luke asks. My suspicious gaze follows the bus as the woman driving it nearly wrecks turning onto the road which dead ends at an estate I didn’t even know existed until a month ago. Small towns like Magnolia are no strangers to secrets and hidden things, but an entire home, abandoned in a part of the woods that hasn’t been accessible for over fifty years? How does something like that go unnoticed? Perhaps it’s not that it went unnoticed, rather ignored. The question is why? And why, suddenly, is this woman hellbent on reviving it? How did she even know about it? Then again, how did my mom? “You remember I told you my mom asked me to clear off some land?” Luke nods. “Well, it was for her. About three miles from here, deep in the woods, there’s an old house. I say, house . It’s more like an antebellum mansion. And whoever Ms. Purple Bus is is planning on renovating it. At least, that’s what my mom says.” The more I think about it, the more curious I get. I wasn’t surprised when my mom asked me to clear a way to the property and bushhog the brush surrounding it. Our farmland connects to it. We have the equipment needed and she’s no stranger to a kind gesture. But the question still stands, how did she know about this place? My mom isn’t exactly the Southern social butterfly type. “Hmm. Well, that’s interesting. And nice. Maybe it’ll be good for the town.” I shake my head and bite the inside of my cheek. Lots of things would be good for Magnolia, lots of things that will never happen. The biggest of which would be going back in time, back before the bar came about, back before my dad fell in love with alcohol, and before the crash that wrecked not just vehicles but the whole town, taking three lives with it. “Right, well, she’s going to have her hands full. The place is huge and covered in mildew and vines. Lord knows the roof will need to be replaced. And then what after? Your diner is the busiest place in this sleepy town. I can’t imagine that changing anytime soon.” Luke pulls the dishtowel from the front pocket of his plaid shirt and smacks me with it. “Maybe you should offer her your services instead of being a killjoy. Put that engineering degree to good use,” he suggests. I smirk and move toward my truck. “Yeah, I gave up on that dream a long time ago, friend. Take care.” “You too.” It’s a short drive from the diner back to the barn, but I take the long way to avoid the cross stamped into the dirt in the crook of a certain curve. My avoidance was once a coping mechanism. Now it’s become a character flaw. Seventeen years ago, I left Magnolia. That sounds like such a long time ago it makes me feel old. Hell, maybe I am. Though, the reason why I left still feels as fresh on my skin as it did the day my dad slung his fist into my jaw. I was fifteen when I realized my dad had a problem with alcohol. Though, talks with my mom let me know it existed long before then. When a bar opened just a few miles out of town, his problem only worsened and became harder to hide. But, like the abandoned house in the woods no one speaks of, everyone turned a blind eye to my father’s drinking, including my mother. As I neared graduation and prepared to leave Magnolia, I feared for her and my sister, Emerson. While he’d never threatened them, I saw the anger and aggression building inside him. It started with kicking a tractor tire. That turned to handling the cattle a little too roughly. Things escalated from there. Perhaps because he and I worked so closely on the family farm, I was primed to notice. Perhaps because I was a man, he chose not to conceal himself as much. Regardless of the reasons behind his behavior, his drinking, my dad was becoming someone I no longer recognized. And I no longer felt safe leaving my mom and sister in his care. So, at eighteen, I confronted him. I asked him to get help. That was the day his aggression turned toward me. It was a fight that left me with no choice. I couldn’t make my mom divorce him. I couldn’t take my sister away. All I could do was leave. So, I did. After graduation, I left Magnolia with no plans to return. I got a degree in engineering and began working as a general contractor in a city a couple hours away. But I barely got the foundation of my new life laid before I had no choice but to return. In my absence, my father’s alcoholism continued unchecked. He was drunk when he crashed into the Boone family, killing a husband and wife and their teen daughter. The sole survivor was their son, a classmate of Emerson’s, who wasn’t in the car. That was the day our family secret, our family shame became too deadly to ignore. Lives were lost and eyes were opened, not just to our family’s secrets but to the lies behind the facade of Magnolia’s perfection. Suddenly, rumors of infidelity and divorce rates skyrocketed, more kids started getting into trouble, the pastor was caught stealing church funds, a coach was found sleeping with underage girls, and unexpected deaths were suddenly revealed as overdoses and suicides. All these things had existed right underneath our noses. And, just like my family hid my father’s addiction, it became obvious others had been hiding these atrocities too, because to speak, to hold accountable, to bring the dark to light ruins the facade—the lie we told ourselves. Is that why my mom wouldn’t leave my dad? She didn’t want to ruin the image of a perfect family, of a perfect Magnolia? I’m thirty-five now and this town hasn’t felt like home in the ten years since I’ve been back. It’s not that people blame us for what my father did. Maybe Noah Boone does, but he left town shortly after—never to be seen or heard from again. It’s just…now that Magnolia is stained, now that so much pain has bled into these streets and into our hearts, it just doesn’t feel the same. I  don’t feel the same. I don’t even know what it means to be Emmett Calhoun anymore. Dust trails behind me and gravel crunches beneath my tires as I reach the barn. It’s just after one in the afternoon and I still have two pastures to rake. It’s going to be a long one, though not unlike any other. It’s not that I hate my life, my work to maintain the family business, or even Magnolia. I love being a present uncle to my niece, Eleanor. Farm work can be enjoyable and there are still small projects that pop up requiring construction. And I care about this town and keeping it from slipping even further into darkness. That’s why these thugs roaming around piss me off so much. It’s just… I feel disconnected from myself, from my parents, my childhood, my future. Disconnected, stagnant, paralyzed. I think a part of me died the day my dad hit me, and I was forced to defend myself. Another part shattered when Emerson called me in tears informing me of what he did. In some small way, I felt responsible because I couldn’t stop him or help him. I also felt betrayed, hurt, and ashamed. How could the person I love so much do this? Become this? How could my father love a substance so much he let it steal his entire life from him—his son, his family, and his freedom? It’s a kind of abandonment I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from. And so, the only thing that keeps me grounded, keeps me moving—even if just in a circle—is being the opposite of him. With that resolve, I hop out and head toward my tractor. The smell of fresh cut hay tickles my nose as the sun beats down on my tanned skin. I’m here because I refuse to abandon my family the way he did. Though, as Luke’s words come to me, I’m reminded of the life I once had, the job I loved—all the thoughts, hopes, and dreams I avoid even more than memories of the past. I won’t abandon my family. But have I abandoned myself? Make sure you're following me on Amazon so you don't miss this release or go ahead and preorder your ebook now.