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My journey through the Torah (the first five books of the Bible) has officially concluded. For me, reading these books have revealed so much about God, about humanity, and while many may deem their teachings irrelevant, they are what allowed me to cultivate a deeper relationship with the Lord, which has led me to find my church home and have even more spiritual revelations. For me, this is a sentimental moment. The Torah, otherwise known as the Law of the Lord, details the creation of the world and man, includes the Bible stories you've probably all heard (creation, fall of man, Noah's Ark and the flood, Moses and the Red Sea, the wilderness wandering and discovery of the Promised Land), and introduces the major patriarchs. We see God choose a select group of people (the Israelites / Abraham's line) and sustain them throughout the generations. God's chosen people were meant to be set apart in character from those who followed false gods. Their distinction mirrors the distinction that followers of Christ are meant to have. The only difference is following Christ is not exclusive to a specific lineage but is open to all who seek Him. We see God deliver the Israelites from slavery in Egypt and we watch their journey through the wilderness to the Promised Land. Throughout their journey, the character of God is revealed as well as the impatience, disobedience, and fearfulness of man that makes us crave slavery to sin rather than trusting in the Lord's provision. We see ourselves in the Israelites, and while we may think they're being annoying or ungrateful, when you're faced with your own wilderness season-- a season when trusting the Lord is difficult --you will understand the Israelites' struggle even more. And you'll be grateful that the Lord continued to make a way for renewed covenant with His people despite their disobedience and rejection of Him. Egypt symbolized evil, not only because it was the geographical place that God's people were held captive, but because it was a place of false gods, sorcery, and even giants (the children of fallen angels and human women). When you understand the supernatural powers and spiritual war taking place here on this earth, it's entirely possible that true evil was in power in Egypt and it was the enemy's puppet's holding God's chosen people in captivity. Regardless, God's children were never meant to be slaves. Just as Jesus saves humanity from slavery to sin, God saved His people from the evil in Egypt. Yet, despite the goodness of God, the provision of God, the Israelites still doubted Him and rebelled against Him time and time again. Each time, the Lord made a way to renew covenant, usually in the form of a sacrifice or ritual. While we may view the sacrifices and rituals of the Old Testament as extreme or unnecessary, we have to remember that this was the time before Christ. Christ is the sacrifice that washes us all clean, making all other sacrifices and rituals unnecessary, even blasphemous, for us. But the Israelites did not have Christ. What we deem extreme or unnecessary is actually the key to understanding God's character and His intention for us. God promises His presence even when He cannot walk with us the same way He did in the garden. God creates boundaries to protect His holiness so that He can one day deliver a Savior pure enough to cleanse the sins of the world. God gives us guidelines to live a peaceful and holy life. These guidelines served to separate His people from the people of the world. And the blessings, provision, protection, and rest the Lord offered His people set Him apart amongst the false gods of the world. As the Israelites neared the Promised Land, symbolic of the eternal promised land we will enter after death, once again doubt and disobedience revealed those who trusted the Lord and those who didn't. Because of the vast disobedience amongst the Israelities, an eleven-day journey took forty-years. Why? Because the disobedient shall not enter the Promised Land. The Israelties were forced to wander for forty years so that those who doubted the Lord and wanted to rebel against Him would die off. It was their sons and daughters who actually received the inheritance promised by the Lord. Even Moses, who was empowered by the Spirit of God and led the Israelites out of Egypt to the border of the Promised Land, did not enter because of a moment of disobedience. This part of the Israelites' journey is so important, if not the most important. Moses represents the Law of the Lord. He is the Lawgiver, the one that God writes His Ten Commandments through, the one God spoke through. But even he could not fulfill the Law perfectly. No one can fulfill the Law perfectly. That is why we need a Savior. That is why we need Jesus. That is why we need the Love of the Lord, not just the Law of the Lord. Joshua loved the Lord and was chosen to lead the Israelites on their final stretch into the Promised Land after Moses' death. Joshua in Hebrew translates to Yeshua, which is the Hebrew name of the Lord, Jesus Christ. Yeshua / Jesus means The Lord Saves . Joshua being chosen to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land not only foreshadows the coming of Jesus, but reveals to us that Law alone does not grant access to the kingdom of Heaven. The Love of the Lord, both God's love for us and God's love manifested for us in Jesus Christ, is required. When you can identify the symbolism, foreshadowing, and supernatural presence throughout the Old Testament, it becomes a lot more interesting and a lot more powerful. God's love for mankind has always been present. It did not arrive through Jesus. Jesus arrived because the Lord loved us first. And Jesus' arrival was promised as early as Genesis 3:15 when God addresses the serpent: "I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise His heel." God's plan for mankind's redemption existed before the Fall and was promised directly after. God did not set us up to fail, though when we take on the full weight of fulfilling the Law of the Lord on our own, it feels like it. But the truth is, we will never be good enough, worthy enough, perfect enough to enter the kingdom of Heaven on our own accord. The Bible warns against this ideology specifically. The key to the kingdom of Heaven is love--love of the Lord, love of one another. Those who love the Lord will do their best to keep His Law. Deuteronomy, the final book of the Torah, summarizes the Law and Love of the Lord Law of the Lord Love of the Lord "Take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life." Deuteronomy 4:9 "Seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress, and all these things come upon you in the latter days, when you turn to the Lord your God and obey His voice (for the Lord your God is a merciful God), He will not forsake you nor destroy you, nor forget the covenant of your fathers which He swore to them." Deuteronomy 4: 29-31 "To you it was shown, that you might know that the Lord Himself is God; there is none other beside Him." Deuteronomy 4:35 "Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments." Deuteronomy 7:9 "Therefore know this day, and consider it in your heart, that the Lord Himself is God in heaven above and on the earth beneath; there is no other." Deuteronomy 4:39 "He will love you and bless you and multiply you; He will also bless the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your land..." Deuteronomy 7:12-13 10 Commandments Paraphrased: You shall have no other gods before me; you shall not make for yourself a a carved image; you shall not take the Lord's name in vain; observe the Sabbath day (rest is a gift not to be forsaken. Slaves do not get rest); honor your father and mother; do not murder; do not commit adultery; do not steal; do not lie against your neighbor; do not covet your neighbor's wife or possessions. Deuteronomy 5:7-21 "You shall be blessed above all peoples..." Deuteronomy 7:14 "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5 "Therefore understand today that the Lord your God is He who goes over before you as a consuming fire." Deuteronomy 9:3 "You shall diligently keep the commandments of the Lord your God, His testimonies, and His statutes which He has commanded you. And you shall do what is right and good in the sight of the Lord, that it may be well with you, and that you may go in and possess the good land of which the Lord swore to your fathers..." Deuteronomy 6:17-18 "He administers justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the stranger, giving him food and clothing. Therefore love the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt." Deuteronomy 10:18-19 On marriages and covenants with unbelievers: "You shall make no covenant with them...nor shall you make marriages with them... For they will turn your sons away from following Me, to serve other gods; so the anger of the Lord will be aroused against you..." Deuteronomy 7:2-4 "For you are a holy people to the Lord your God, and the Lord has chosen you to be a people for Himself, a special treasure above all the peoples who are on the face of the earth." Deuteronomy 14:2 "...man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord." Deuteronomy 8:3 "Do not let your heart faint, do not be afraid, and do not tremble or be terrified because of them; for the Lord your God is He who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you." Deuteronomy 20:3-4 The Essence of the Law: "And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the Lord and His statutes which I command you today for your good?" Deuteronomy 10:12-13 When You Stray & Return: "...and you return to the Lord your God and obey His voice...with all your heart and with all your soul...the Lord will bring you back from captivity, and have compassion on you." Deuteronomy 30:2-3 "Whatever I command you, be careful to observe it; you shall not add to it nor take away from it." Deuteronomy 13:32 "He is your life and the length of your days." Deuteronomy 30:20 "You are the children of the Lord your God; you shall not cut yourselves nor shave the front of your head for the dead." Deuteronomy 14:1 "He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 "...you shall not harden your heart nor shut your hand from your poor brother, but you shall open your hand wide to him and willingly lend him sufficient for his need, whatever he needs." Deuteronomy 15:7-8 "He is the Rock, His work is perfect; For all His ways are justice, a God of truth and without injustice; Righteous and upright is He." Deuteronomy 32:4 "You shall not pervert justice; you shall not show partiality, nor take a bribe, for a bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and twists the words of the righteous." Deuteronomy 16:19 Prophesying Jesus: For He will avenge the blood of His servants, and render vengeance to His adversaries; He will provide atonement for His land and His people." Deuteronomy 32:43 "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms; He will thrust out the enemy from before you." Deuteronomy 33:27 A final word... Even in your wilderness season, when it's hard to trust, the Lord is trustworthy. The Word of God is the key to the abundant life, because the Word of God is eye-opening, heart-purifying truth. While life isn't always easy and the Christian walk isn't always happy, there is a hope and fulfillment in following Jesus that you cannot find anywhere else. Following Jesus is not just about salvation or getting into Heaven, it's about living free from sin right here, right now. Truthfully, I still struggle to feel free from sin. I still mess up. I still sin. And I still feel guilty because I don't want to. But the difference in me now and the Emily a year ago is that I see the truth of sin. I know in my heart that even if something feels good, it's not good. It's a temporary pleasure that ultimately leads to emptiness and destruction. The closer you get to God, the more you see sin clearly and the less pleasure you find in it. The Israelites weren't able to see the bondage of their slavery in Egypt. When things got hard in the wilderness, they longed for the comforts of Egypt, even though it meant rejecting the God who saved them and going back to being a slave. While their captivity wasn't a sin, their desire to return to Egypt mirrors our own faith walk where we are tested and tempted to reject God and return to a life of captivity, a life of sin. While we will never be perfect in our human form, as our flesh continues to battle the Holy Spirit inside us, by accepting Jesus as our Savior and doing our best to follow Him, His blood makes us without blemish and free from blame in the sight of our Father in Heaven. "But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation." Colossians 1:22 "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight... In him we have redemption through his blood." Ephesians 1:4&7 Because of Jesus, God sees us as holy, blameless, reconciled, perfected, and fully accepted not because we earned it, but because Jesus paid the price we never could.

To say that the death of a parent fractures a family is an understatement. It's a kind of compound grief that explodes like a volcano. You feel the most violent eruption of emotion as your loved one slips away or as you learn the news of their passing. And yet, it doesn't stop there. The mourning, the missing , continues for the rest of your life. It's the most prevalent in the first few years after they're gone, but even after a decade or more, you still think about them. You wonder what advice they'd give in a particular situation. You wonder if they would be proud of you. You wish you could reach out for help. You wish they were here for your milestones. When a volcano erupts, it permanently changes the surrounding landscape. It can destroy and it can create. Grief and loss function similarly. One version of your life is destroyed and a new one is birthed. The issue is, your new life is a puzzle with a missing piece. And no matter how much healing you do or how much time passes, you can never replace the role of a father or mother. You can never fill the hole in your heart. But God can. God is the missing piece to every puzzle. God is a father to the fatherless. My dad passed away when I was 23, leaving behind a wife and two daughters. Not only has his absence fractured our family, my family was already fractured before his passing. Sometimes the loss of a parent or the destruction of a family isn't caused by death. It's caused by distance (physical and emotional), denial (of hurt feelings and pain caused), mistrust, misunderstandings, resentment, anger, abuse, neglect. Sometimes we are forced to mourn the living. No matter what your family dynamics are, God is ready, willing, and able to step into the roles that no one else is filling. He is ready to give a love like no other. He is ready to be reliable. He is ready to show up and support you through your most inconvenient emotions and experiences. He is ready to be your father and your mother. He is ready to fill the gaps in your life and in your family and be the family you've been missing. "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land." Psalm 68:5-6 God identifies Himself as a Father to the Fatherless He promises not only love but protection He rescues the lonely and frees the prisoners "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10 Forsake means to abandon God receives the abandoned And, as a God who is all-encompassing, a being of both masculine and feminine traits, God is not only equipped to be your father, but your mother. He is ready to be your parent. He is ready to be your family. Jesus redefines family not of blood but of spiritual oneness. In Matthew 12:46-47, a man approaches Jesus while He is speaking to a group of people. He tells Jesus that His mother and brothers are standing outside wishing to speak with Him. Jesus' response: " 'Who is My mother and who are My brothers? And He streteched out His hand toward His disciples and said, 'Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother." Matthew 12:48-50 Jesus declares family is not defined by biology, but that all who are in Christ, all who serve and love the Father in heaven, are His family and each other's family. "He predestined us for adoption to Himself as sons through Jesus Christ..." Ephesians 1:5 "Treat older men as fathers, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters..." 1 Timothy 5:1-2 Spiritual family is not second-best or a last-resort. Having known us before we were born, having created us, and written all our days in His book (Psalm 139:16), God is our true Father. Jesus is our true brother. The family we find in Christ is not a replacement for the biological family we lost. It is the family we were always destined to have and be a part of. God meets us in the spirit and through those with His Spirit. As I've gotten closer to God and more involved at my church, I've felt the goodness of God. I've felt the peace that only He can offer--a peace that surpasses all understanding and that is beyond my human strength. I've felt His presence and His Holy Spirit working inside me, healing me from the inside out. Because of this I've become more aware of which environments and which people threaten His presence and my peace. I've felt the unease of being near a spirit incompatible with mine. I've felt my old wounds pricked and re-opened. And I've been clinging to Christ and my newfound Christian community in response. When you discover what is good for your spirit, you can quickly identify what isn't. Sometimes our greatest tormentors are those closest to us, those who share our blood. When your blood family does not share the same spirit of Christ as you, it's time to remove yourself and cling to those who do. Through Jesus, we have a personal, one-on-one relationship with our Father in Heaven. But God also uses other people to meet us, help us, and love us. Strangers become sisters, brothers, fathers, and mothers. A new family is created--not only for God, but for us--through Christ. Through our Savior, our Father, and our new family, we may truly heal from the loss of the ones we love. The missing pieces click into place. The hole in our heart fills. Our family is restored through Christ and Christian community. "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18 "See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God--and so we are." 1 John 3:1 "Nothing...will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39 Growing Intimacy With Your Father In Heaven Usually when I pray, I pray to God or Lord , but the other night, Father came out without my thinking. My heart was calling out to my Father in heaven. It surprised me and also made me feel so good and so connected to the Lord. He is my Father. He is my comforter, the one who sees me, supports me, loves me, guides me. He is with me on the drive home when the rain is coming down so hard that I can't see. He is with me at every milestone and every heartbreak. He is with me all the days of my life. I love Him for never abandoning me. I love Him for being the love I've been missing, the family I've been missing. If you feel called to, address Him as Father the next time you pray. See how you feel afterward.

Welcome to Woman In The Word 2026 edition! If you're familiar with my posts, you probably know that I talk a lot about surrendering to the Lord, mainly because that's the thing I've struggled to do the most. Yet, it has been the most life-changing part of my journey back to God. It's not uncommon for us to believe we're in the driver's seat of our lives. We're taught at an early age to take responsibility, to map out our future, to have goals and to pursue them. And while all of these things are good, our effort is only half of the picture. Whether you grow up believing in God or not, we are all created by God for specific purposes. We are born on this earth at a specific time in a specific place to specific parents. And the things we will accomplish or face, the people we'll meet along the way, our setbacks and setups, none of them are coincidences. There is a bigger picture we cannot see nor are we taught to see it or seek it. Even in Christian households, seeking God's plan and purpose for your life might not be a topic of conversation. My dad was a Godly man, but he was also a hard-working, logical man. We had so many conversations about God, but we never once discussed what God's plan for me might be. We never talked about surrender or seeking God's will. We talked about what I wanted to do in life and made a plan to help me accomplish it. And so, I carried the perspective of control into my adulthood. Whatever I set out to do, I could accomplish by my own effort if I planned well enough, researched enough, worked hard enough. And I did work hard and I did accomplish so much, including my dream of becoming an author. But there are some things in life you cannot control, no matter how hard you work. When you are confronted with the thing you can't control, you find yourself on a long journey of fighting the truth, fighting yourself and your false ideology until you finally reach surrender. In my case, the thing I can't control also happens to be the thing I want most--a Godly marriage--which has made it the hardest thing to surrender. But learning how to surrender what I want most to the Lord has shown me the beauty of surrendering not just the thing I can't control, but everything. This new year, I'm unsubscribing from striving, planning, ambition, and goal-setting. And I am subscribing to surrender. Surrendering to the Lord doesn't mean you don't have any plans or goals. It means the Lord is the one guiding you. He is the one telling you which opportunity to say yes to. He creates new goals for you. He opens new doors for you. He gives you new ideas and desires. He will help you discern the right thing, the right one, and the right time. And I can say from personal experience that when the Lord is the one leading, life is so much more enjoyable, peaceful, purposeful, fulfilling, and yes, even romantic. For me, my process of surrender began with my love life, but it has expanded into my career, my friendships, my boundaries, my everything . When you slow down, throw out your to-do list, and open your palms to the Lord, He will remove what needs to be removed and place what needs to be placed. He will reveal new purposes for you and write a new to-do list for you. Godly Swaps In My Surrender Season In Dating... Striving --> Recognizing There are opportunities to meet someone everyday. But in surrendering to the Lord, I no longer seek out potential. I let God weave romance naturally into my life through unexpected encounters. What's so beautiful and romantic about letting God write your love story is you're just living your life and then poof, something sweet, cute, or fun happens. And I'm always like "Thank you, God, for that moment." I picture Him reading the Book of Emily, the one He's already written, and just smiling. He's probably thinking, "Oh, I've been waiting for this part" or "See, I knew she'd like that/ him." God is just as excited to give us good gifts as we are to receive them. And what makes those encounters so good for me is, I didn't plan them or work for them. With open palms , I let God give me what He wishes to give me, and I let Him take whoever is not meant to stay, while recognizing who He chooses to keep around. In Work & Life... My Yes --> God's Yes Open palm surrender doesn't just apply to dating. In my career, I've tossed out my to-do list and am letting God lead me and use my gift of writing in the way He chooses. Surrender in this area has led me to realize I no longer desire to write fiction (at least, right now). For many years, fiction has been an esacpe for me. Right now, I'm called to be present--present with the Lord and within my own life. I don't want to escape anymore. I want to live, and I want to let God lead. Losing my desire for something I once loved doesn't hurt the way I thought it would. It is replaced with a passion for a higher calling. I never knew this feeling was possible--this freedom and this fulfillment. But when God says yes , you can feel it. When God says yes , you get excited. I'm bringing the same surrender into my church involvement. Not every opportunity is the right one for me. Just like not every good man is my man. God has a specific path for each of us. The thing that's bringing me the most excitement in my life right now is seeing where God is taking me. I came into 2026 with no plans and God has already added amazing things to my calendar, including a way for me to get involved at church and a mission trip to Greece. God will do amazing things for you if you open your palms and let Him remove and replace. He will remove and replace those plans, those goals, that relationship, that job, that struggle, and those false beliefs. He will refine you into the woman of God you are called to be, the woman of God who is equipped to have everything she's ever wanted and more than she ever knew to ask for. That is my wish for you, as well as, myself. This is the year of surrender, the year I let God lead, the year I give up my pen to His holy hand. This is the year I sit back, wait on the Lord, and watch Him do what He does best-- create something beautiful. A Final Note Surrendering means giving up control, not stewardship. I want to close this post with a recent revelation. When you get closer to God through surrender to His will and the Holy Spirit, it's important to be mindful of those who try to pull you back to the person, the temperament, or the way of life that you are trying to leave in the past. Sometimes those people are the ones closest to you. Sometimes they are your own family. Sometimes God calls us to set boundaries to protect what He is trying to create. In Toxic Family Dynamics... Unconditional Tolerance --> Holy Stewardship of Self For many reasons, I have tolerated certain behavior, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. God calls us to love unconditionally, which led me to recite scripture to myself to convince myself to stay in toxic relationships. The same scriptures were also used against me by the toxic party in question to convince me that unconditional love and honor actually means unconditional tolerance. This is the year we release that lie. We are responsible for stewarding ourselves and our relationship with the Lord. If the Lord is offering you peace, healing, and hope, why allow someone else to thrust you back into chaos, anger, anxiety, or sadness? God does not ask His children to be the punching bags for the broken people of this world. He asks us to pray for them and love them, not to tolerate them. And sometimes the only way to love someone is to love them from a distance. Don't let anyone take you back to your Egypt. Don't let anyone take you back to your bondage. God is your freedom. God is your Father, your future. And you are His dwelling place. Protect the house of the Lord. Protect yourself by being a good steward of the company you keep.

The idea for The Last Christmas List is inspired by my life currently. About a month before Christmas, my family was thrown a curve-ball like no other. While it may seem morbid, I was faced with the question: If you only have one Christmas, how would you spend it? Me being me, I thought, well I'd do everything under the sun. I'd make a lifetime of Christmas memories with the time I was given. And while that isn't possible in real life, it's a concept I wanted to explore in fiction. This story carries so much meaning. Sentiments like "the greatest present is presence" ground this novel emotionally while our lead characters, Jax and Lily's, banter-filled, frenemies with history dynamic takes the forefront. This was not a story I planned to write nor did I expect to love it so much that I feel it deserves it's own Amazon release. But here we are. Lily and Jax's story bloomed from real-life heartache but is on-page Christmas magic for those who love a heartfelt, emotionally-resonant, fun yet tender holiday romance. Coming soon to Amazon, here is a first-look/ sneak peek at The Last Christmas List by yours truly. Part 1—A Christmas Collision Lily Christmas music and the steady melody of shoes ticking against the linoleum of Concourse C fades into the background as the last call for Flight 1229 to New Orleans echoes overhead. I ignore the sweat beading on my back— and my desperate need to pee —and sprint toward my gate. I’ve never missed a flight in my life and like hell am I starting today. Over a snow storm no less? As a Louisiana-girl turned New Yorker, snow is overrated. You won’t change my mind. But my desperation to make this flight has nothing to do with my perfect track record or the fact that’s it’s the week of Christmas. I haven’t seen my mom in months—only twice this entire year. While those were short visits, just forty-eight hours each, I managed to secure an entire week off work to spend Christmas with my family in Serendipity, Louisiana. And given the circumstances, I want every minute with her I can get. It only cost me a month of overtime, an extra five-hundred dollars in airfare to get the best flights, and  every shred of self-control I have knowing he’ll be there. Shoving thoughts of Jaxon Clarke from my overstimulated, over-worked mind, I dodge the massive man in front of me in a last-ditch effort to reach my gate. My carry-on flies behind me. I’ll be surprised if the wheels are still attached when I board. But as my eyes dart between the screen hanging above the gate and the closed boarding door, my tired feet come to a sudden stop. “No,” I sigh breathlessly. I feel as deflated as I did the night Jax rejected me and every Christmas after that he made it a point to parade his girlfriend of the month in front of me in my own home. That is, until I stopped showing up altogether. And yet, unlike then, run is the last thing I want to do. Sucking in air, my shoulders tense and— “ Ah! ” As a sudden force knocks me from behind, I lose my balance, trip over my carry-on, which takes off rolling down the ATL concourse, and land—in the most ungraceful, utterly contorted way—on the disgusting, germ-laden airport floor. As I groan in pain, the Grinch-like sentiment that’s hardened my heart for more holidays than I care to count slips through my lips. “I hate Christmas.” “ Still? ” That one word in that eerily familiar voice makes me wish the fall left me unconscious. Opening my eyes, I find my ears do not betray me. Hovering over me, dressed in denim and a black trench coat is the massive man always standing in my way—Jaxon Clarke. His large frame blocks the lights overhead, leaving me in darkness like he always does. His ensemble accompanied by his black hair, beard, and the tattoos crawling on his hands and neck make him look like the haunting that he is. He looks different—older, more intimidating and tragic. But his eyes are the same—a kind of icy blue I used to find beautiful. Now, they only remind me of his cold heart. And his childish smirk and outstretched hand remind me nothing has changed between us. He’s still my brother’s best friend, the one I practically grew up with, the one I couldn’t help but fall in love with. Once my playful bully, everything changed when my dad died. No stranger to loss, Jax was there for me when my fourteen-year-old heart shattered. Fuck me for thinking he’d be the one to put it back together. Fuck me  for thinking he actually cared. I won’t make that mistake again nor will I let him ruin another Christmas, the last Christmas. Rolling my eyes at his outstretched hand, I push myself up despite the pain in my wrist and my throbbing knee. Jax straightens, towering over me by several feet.  Shit, I don’t like this. He makes me feel small. He makes me feel vulnerable. Being in his presence reminds me of that night in the shed, the night I made the biggest mistake of my life and kissed him, the night he ripped my shattered heart from my chest and disappeared into the darkness. The memories make me flinch. “No,” I say, pushing through them. “I just hate you.” Cocking my brow, I rest my hand on my hip. Jax looks me up and down in a way that makes my stomach flip and my breath hitch. I’m suddenly aware my sweat isn’t isolated to my back. I feel it beading on my chest beneath my far too warm winter clothes. As Jax’s icy eyes find mine once more, his gaze is gentler than I expected. That look resurfaces another memory—one that was once comforting. But his actions rewrote the story I believed we were living. “I missed you too, Lily Andrews,” he says then. Without another word, Jax brushes past me and I turn sharply to watch him. My brows furrow and my fists ball. Is that it? Where the hell does he think he’s going? Words of fury bubble in my chest, but I suppress them given he’s the last person I want to see. But as he collects my carry-on and returns to me wearing the smirk that makes me itch, I realize I’m not so lucky. I knew Jax would be at Christmas, as in Christmas Day. Maybe even Christmas Eve. But I had no idea he was arriving the very same day I am. I guess that slipped my brother’s mind when he was informing me of how ridiculous my perfect family Christmas list sounds. Jax offers me my carry-on. I snatch it from him in an effort to avoid physical contact. No such luck. Our fingers brush. A week with Jaxon Clarke. A whole blessed week. Part 1—Jax Lily Andrews—the one that hasn’t left my mind nor heart since the moment we kissed. Something about being in her presence—for the first time in seven years—makes me feel like nothing has changed between us. There’s a familiarity in her enchanting yet cut-throat amber gaze. There’s a certain disdain in the curl of her lip and furrow of her dark brows that makes me feel warm. It excites me and ignites me. My Lily. She still hates me, but hate is better than disregard. Lily sighs as she leans against the gate desk. She asks about the next flight out to New Orleans and shrieks when the agent tells her it’ll be another six hours. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” She lifts her eyes to the ceiling, extending her neck. I let my eyes drip down her pale skin and inhale her sweet scent as it drifts between us. The truth is everything changed that night. There’s always been a playful tension between us, but the energy that’s lingered ever since she kissed me is laced with something sticky. Hatred and hurt create a new kind of tension between us. But those aren’t the only two ingredients in our Christmas cocktail. There has always been something more, even if she’s always been… off limits . Lily turns to me then. “This is all your fault!” She jabs my chest. Okay, ow! Seems living in New York has toughened her up. That’s good to know. She’ll have a higher tolerance for Christmas chaos that’ll make this week even more fun. “ My fault? ” I feign offense. “Yes, you were in my way. Had you not been walking at a snail’s pace, taking up at least two lanes of pedestrian traffic, I could’ve seen they were about to close the gate and yelled at them to stop.” I nod, squinting my brows as if her screech would’ve actually stopped them. Her cheeks flush and her neck reddens the more riled up she gets. It’s the cutest thing. I wonder how red I can make her? Red enough to match that Christmas dress she wore the last time I saw her? Yeah, that thing was devilish. “So, what you’re saying is you’ve noticed my muscles?” I lift my arms and flex. The trench coat hides the hard-earned indentations in my arms, but she gets the point, which is I don’t hear a word she’s said. I don’t pay attention. Oh, but I do, Lily. I always have. “ Ugh! ” Lily groans slash squeals. “You are impossible. What are you even doing here? Christmas isn’t for another few days. Shouldn’t you be bundled up in Boston tattooing some random guy’s name on a woman’s breasts?” Her eyes narrow into slits as she speaks, but her cheeks are already two shades redder. I wonder if it’s due to her anger or something else? “So, you’ve been keeping tabs on me?” I shove my hands in my pockets, unable to keep the grin off my face. “And here I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.” “ I don’t. ” Lily’s voice raises three octaves as she speaks. Yeah, I don’t believe her. The question is why? After what I did… I deserve her disdain. I deserve her hatred. I deserve every hit her tiny body can wield. And for the past seven years, I’ve felt them in her absence. Every Christmas she didn’t visit felt like a lash across my heart. I thought I’d finally done it—ruined everything. All those years ago, there were many reasons why I walked away from her. One of the biggest ones was my fear of losing the only family I had left. After my mom died and my dad was arrested on unrelated offenses, the Andrews took me in. Their home was my home. Luke and Lily’s parents were my parents. But Lily was never my little sister and that night— that kiss —reminded me of it. Her lips on mine reminded me of everything I’d been suppressing, everything I couldn’t have, everything I stood to lose. I didn’t want to lose my family or my best friend. Instead, I lost her. At first, it wasn’t obvious. But once she turned eighteen and went to college in New York City, she never came back. That’s when I knew. She was gone and it was all because of me. And I’ve questioned if my choice to reject her was worth it ever since. “Ma’am.” Lily fumes in silence, her eyes not leaving mine, as the gate agent tries to get her attention. “Ma’am.” She bites her lip in a way that makes me think she wishes she could take it all back. She balls her fists so intensely, her knuckles turn white. I wouldn’t be surprised if her nails leave imprints on her palms the way they used to. Seeing her like this softens the part of me that’s always loved antagonizing her. Her fierce gaze melts my hard exterior. She’s always had that gift. Her brother, Luke, is my best friend but even he doesn’t get to my core the way she does. She sees straight through me and yet, she’s never seen how much I love her—how much it hurt me to hurt her, how much  I wish  I  could take it all back and give her the love she’s always deserved but wasn’t ready for at fourteen. “ Ma’am! ” Lily jumps as the trance we’re both held in breaks. We both turn to the gate agent and find her equally as exhausted with us as we are with each other. “Yes, sorry,” Lily says, her voice quiet. The attendant rolls her eyes and returns her gaze to her computer. “I can get you both on the next flight to Baton Rouge, if that works for you. Boarding begins in five minutes.” “Oh, we’re not together.” She points toward me with confusion etched in her brow. “Ugh, yes we are. I was supposed to be on that flight too.” I direct my attention to the desk attendant. She nods and clicks away on her computer. Lily turns to face me. I bite the inside of my cheek in anticipation of her next verbal blow. “Well, you can wait and fly direct. Six hours isn’t that long. For you. ” I lean forward, encroaching on her personal space. “And let you drive from Baton Rouge to Serendipity by yourself? First, no. And second, are you forgetting you hate driving? It’s half the reason you moved to New York.” Lily rolls her eyes, but I sense the defeat, or rather submission, in her features. Turning back to the attendant, I say, “We’ll take it. Thank you.” “As long as we’re not sitting next to each other,” Lily pipes up then. The attendant lifts her eyes over the edge of her computer while a nearby machine prints out our new boarding passes. Lily sighs. “We’re sitting next to each other, aren’t we?” The lady smiles and hands her her ticket. Lily groans and attempts to shake the tension from her shoulders. Turning to me she says, “ Fine.  I’m going to pee. When I get back, we’ll discuss our ground rules. You are not ruining this Christmas, Jaxon Clarke or this flight. The last thing a girl with a fear of driving needs is to be on the no-fly list.” I smirk as she trots away, leaving her carry-on with me. “I guess I’ll just take this then? And shouldn’t we call them flight rules?” Lily turns to give me one last eye roll and then continues on to the bathroom. I shake my head and can’t help but laugh and admire the way she walks away. “Lily Andrews,” I say under my breath. She’s no longer the little girl I used to tease. She’s the twenty-five-year-old woman I can finally play with. But…she’s still off-limits. Isn’t she? Turning back to the flight attendant, she hands me my boarding pass and offers me a different, unexpected Christmas gift. “My gift to you, sir, are words of wisdom. Take an Advil and get a therapist.” Her eyes motion in the direction Lily disappeared. “ Ha! I appreciate it, but she’s the only medicine I need. Merry Christmas. And thank you, again!” Now available to read on Amazon / enrolled in Kindle Unlimited.

Today's post is inspired by a reading from Daniel 3:16-25, otherwise known as the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego. This story is found in the Old Testament, during the time of Israel's exile in Babylon. The then king, Nebuchadnezzar, demanded the people worship a gold image, which goes directly against God's first commandment given through Moses. "Thou shalt worship no other gods before me." Exodus 20:3 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego refused to bow down to the gold image, even though they knew their refusal would result in them being thrown into a fiery furnace. When they were brought to King Nebuchadnezzar, they said: "...Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18 There are three key things to take from these three wise men. They believed and declared that God is able to deliver them from the immediate, life-taking threat they faced. They believed and declared that God would deliver them from the king's hand. Even if God did not deliver them from the furnace and thus death, they refused to abandon their faith and worship false gods. This story has always been one of my favorites in the Bible, but having a faith like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego is not easy. Their faith is made even more profound when you realize that they did not live with the promise of salvation through Jesus the way we do. Jesus had not yet come nor had resurrection theology began spreading, as it does in later verses of the Old Testament. We do see King Nebuchadnezzar say the fourth man in the fire looks like the Son of God. However, Daniel was written in Aramaic not Hebrew and thus the Aramaic word "bar-elahin" more likely translates to "a son of the gods." The king was recognizing a divine being with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego. He was not recognizing the Son of God, Jesus Christ, as we know Him. These men had no promise of salvation, resurrection, or Heaven and yet they were still willing to die for their faith. Because of their profound and powerful faith, God delivered them exactly as they believed He would--completely untouched and unharmed. "I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God." Daniel 3:25 "...the fire had no power; the hair of their head was not singed nor were their garments affected, and the smell of fire was not on them." Daniel 3:27 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego were saved and used by God as a testimony of His power and authority. This testimony was so powerful that King Nebuchadnezzar praised the Lord "who sent His Angel and delivered His servants who trusted in Him" Daniel 3:28 and declared that anyone who speaks against their God would be killed. King Nebuchadnezzar said: " There is no other God who can deliver like this." Daniel 3:30 How powerful of a testimony is that? These three men stood firm in their faith. They trusted the Lord. And because of their faith and trust in the Lord, the power and authority of God was revealed to many. While the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego reveals to us the importance-- and the power --of believing not only that God can deliver us but that He will , it's also important to understand that sometimes deliverance doesn't look the way we want it to. And this is when our faith is truly tested. We know that no matter what our circumstances are on earth, we are delivered through Christ into salvation. We are saved through the blood of Jesus, and we will have eternal deliverance from death, pain, and suffering. But, like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, we face challenges and circumstances in this life that we need deliverance from and the Lord does deliver. But, like these three men, we aren't promised a specific deliverance. We aren't promised a specific outcome. We are promised that we are not alone in our suffering. We are promised that the Lord is with us. We are promised that the Lord has plans for us, plans to give us a hope and a future. And we know that our God is a God of restoration. But what happens when our restoration or deliverance doesn't look like what we imagined? What happens when we don't get what we want? What if that relationship or child never comes? What if that person you love dies? I am facing these very questions right now. And the only answer is the one that these three men declare in the face of death. "But if not..." I will remain faithful. Remaining faithful doesn't mean you don't cry or get angry or wish that things were different. Remaining faithful doesn't mean that you don't mourn the life and love you desired, or the person that you lost. Remaining faithful in the face of disappointment means remembering God's goodness, remembering His presence and drawing near to Him for comfort. It means still worshipping and praising Him, because you still love Him. You still view Him as worthy of praise, even when you didn't get what you wanted. I think there is a lot of misconception or false teaching in faith communities that tell us to suppress our emotions. We are told not to be angry when things don't work out. We are told not to cry or mourn too intensely because that is a sign of weak faith. But this is the word of man, not the word of God. The Psalms are full of songs of pain. We see grief and sorrow, anger and protest, disappointment with God, and even the questioning of the Lord's presence expressed by a man--King David--who was after God's own heart. In the story of Job, we see a man who loses everything and was honest about his anguish. "I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul." Job 7:11 "Why did I not perish at birth?" Job 3:11 And yet, Job was a faithful man. Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, was chosen by God to be His mouthpiece and yet he cursed the day he was born and accused the Lord of deceiving Him. "You deceived me, Lord, and I was deceived." Jeremiah 20:7 Jeremiah's emotions didn't disqualify Him from being chosen by God and used by Him in one of the most important and powerful ways. And since we know the Lord cannot be near sin, we also know that our emotions, our cries of anguish, our righteous anger, our doubt and disappointment is not a sin. Is it always good? Not necessarily. But the key to relationship with the Lord is honesty. When we are honest with the Lord about our feelings, He is able to step into those very emotions. He sits with us through them, and ultimately, delivers us from them. Maybe God's plan for our life--the hope and future--He promises doesn't look like the life we desired for ourselves. Maybe His deliverance isn't the outcome we prayed for. But we can rest assured there is joy, comfort, calling, purpose, redemption, and deliverance with the Lord as our God. Faithfulness doesn't require emotional suppression nor does it promise the absence of suffering. Faithfulness does promise deliverance. Jesus' crucifixion is the ultimate example of a faithful man suffering honestly and receiving deliverance. "Jesus wept." John 11:35 "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." Matthew 26:38 "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Matthew 27:46 Jesus Christ suffered. Unlike Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego He was not spared the pain of torture and death. But He was delivered from it and through Him, so are we. Because of Jesus, we are not alone in our suffering. Because of Jesus, the manifestation of God's love for us, we praise our God in Heaven even when we don't get what we want. And with faithfulness, we will experience the joy and peace of the Lord in this life, even when our life doesn't look like what we want. Our faithfulness in the face of disappointment--even in the face of death--is our testimony. Declare Deliverance I believe and declare that my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ, is able to deliver me from every trial, temptation, sin, sorrow, and challenging season in this life. I believe and declare that my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ, will deliver me from every trial, temptation, sin, sorrow, and challenging season in this life. But if not --even when His deliverance does not look like what I wanted--I will remain faithful.

Reclaiming my purity after losing my virginity, after being exposed to porn, after a lifetime of feeling shame and insecurity around my body is one of the most difficult things I've done. And I say done loosely, because I could fall back into sin tonight. But on this journey of reclaiming my purity--giving up all sexual conduct, and the consuming and creating of explicit content, there have been two eye-opening moments that've helped strengthen my conviction. I realized my performance was for the devil's pleasure. Okay, let's dig into this. We obviously know that the devil perverts what the Lord creates. The Lord created our bodies, our desires, and the act of sex. He values intimacy, relationship, creation--all of the things that bloom from marriage and physically connecting with our spouse. The devil attacks our natural, God-given desires for connection and physical intimacy in many ways. The way he attacked my personal desire was through exposure to pornography and the exploitation of insecurities. The Bondage of Needing To Be Chosen When I was eighteen and found myself in my first relationship, I Googled how to kiss a boy . Innocent enough, right? Somewhere along the way it escalated into how to look good in bed . And that's when I discovered a popular porn site I'll leave unnamed. From there, the categories were endless, but what began as innocent quickly turned demonic when I felt drawn to the category of bondage . This violent, degrading, abusive, tormented, demonic content became the ground that my sexual desire and arousal tendencies were planted in. When that first relationship quickly deteriorated, along with my virginity, I kept viewing the content because I'd discovered sexuality, arousal, and orgasms. And I wasn't ready to put myself back in the box of purity again. Actually, I didn't even think that was possible, so why even try? I spent years consuming this content. And because it was normalized, romanticized even, in mainstream media and fiction, it didn't feel wrong. Genres like dark romance and mafia romance hit the scene hard after Fifty Shades of Grey. Those books were like foreplay, and the video was the climax. And this exposure all began with a simple internet search rooted in inexperience, longing, and insecurity. How easy is it to fall into the devil's trap? I only ever wanted to be chosen, to be loved. I didn't want to watch porn, struggle to have arousing sex with another person, or become better at the performance of sex than the intimacy of it. I didn't want to become someone who felt broken beyond repair because of the content I'd gotten attached to as a young, naive girl. I didn't want to continue seeing those images in my head years after stopping my viewing. This is how the devil works. Little curiosities can become gateways to Hell. This is why 1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to " flee from sexual immorality." Over time, I started to feel the conviction of what I was doing. I knew this stuff was dark. Yet, for a long time, it felt inescapable. I felt like I'd been hardwired to only be aroused by darkness and violence. Admittedly, it took me a while to truly break the chains the devil had been holding me in. And the truth is, I didn't break them at all. The Holy Spirit did. As I got closer to God, darkness became less arousing. Self-pleasure became less satisfying, even without the dark content. And one day, I felt a shift. I realized that what I'd been doing had been a performance for the devil. He loved the ways he tormented me. He loved watching me get off to the kinds of things you'd only find in Hell. And suddenly, I felt like one of the girls in the videos--being watched, being tormented, thinking she wants it, thinking it's okay, but she doesn't and it's not. The devil loves to sell us a half-baked version of what we truly crave. And we buy the lie. We eat the forbidden fruit, because we think it's what we want. I felt the exploitation of my desires, of my body, of my insecurities, and of my longing for connection. And it brought me to tears. God revealed everything to me. And that revelation made me see the error of my ways, the devil's hand in my life, and it made me hurt for God and love Him more. I hurt for Him, because I realized He knew what the devil was doing long before I did, and He had to watch. He had to watch His daughter be exploited in the most intimate sense. And yet, my love for Him grew, because He opened my eyes. He freed me from the devil's bondage. Abstaining from dark content and even masturbation became easier once I saw the truth. I didn't want to give the devil a foothold in my life, and I didn't want to make choices that saddened God. But I was still left with wounds that needed to be healed. I needed to learn safe, healthy, and pure arousal. I needed to retrain my mind and body to respond to love not violence. And that can be hard to do when you don't have love in your life. Additionally, the physical urge to have sex and the emotional urge for romantic connection doesn't just disappear when you choose purity. Again, the desires for sex and connection are God-given. So, even when you feel convicted to abstain from sex and self-pleasure, your desire, your longing, your craving for both physical and emotional release remains. I did go through a process of healing with self-touch. It was something that felt forbidden yet necessary. I can't speak to the biblical nature of this, but I did take the time to heal those wounds with God. And it was in that process of healing that I realized the true root of my desire. What I truly crave is pure intimacy, a kind of intimacy only my husband (and God) can provide. This second mindset shift was the missing piece for me to reclaim my purity. Even after I ceased viewing dark content and retrained my mind and body to respond to love, I still felt a sense of sadness, shame, and conviction after finishing. I would find a physical release and be left with the emotional heaviness of loneliness. I knew in my heart and spirit that this form of intimacy--which wasn't really intimacy at all--wasn't what I wanted. Self-touch was what I'd been settling for. For a long time, I viewed masturbation as a coping mechanism for loneliness and abstaining from sex. I viewed it as a way to maintain my standards in the single season and not jump into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Maybe it was for a while, but eventually it ceased to soothe. I found myself in tears, longing for my husband, and feeling disconnected from God after each time. That feeling tormented me, because I knew my desire for connection and release wasn't going to go away. Sexual sin felt like something I'd struggle with forever. Suppressing my desires only gave rise to the shame and insecurities I'd long carried around my body, which only made me feel worse. But what I've found is that it's not about suppressing your desires for connection, intimacy, and physical release. It's about understanding where they come from. Accepting that self-touch isn't what I really want, even when I crave a physical release, is the mindset shift that helps me breathe through the urge. Understanding the root of my desire--for pure intimacy with my husband--helps me fight sexual immorality. The Truths I Rest In Self-touch is a foothold I will not grant the devil. Self-touch will not satisfy my true desire, which is for my husband. My desire is good, but I do not have a proper outlet to explore this with-- yet. For me, I've struggled with porn exposure, perverted arousal, and masturbation. But sexual perversion and sexual sin has many ways of presenting. If this is an area you feel convicted in, I urge you to seek God. He will heal you from the inside out. He will open your eyes and break the invisible chains the devil holds you in. For me, that healing wasn't found in one verse or one book of the Bible. I found it in true relationship with the Lord, in getting to know His character, in learning He is trustworthy, He loves me, and His intention is good. A Final Word Sex, intimacy, and purity--these are all sensitive topics that aren't easy to talk about. But it's in the areas we keep private that the devil can easily slip in. I'm sharing my story so that hopefully you won't have to. You won't make the same mistakes I did. You won't fall for the same lies or have your good, God-given sexuality tormented and perverted the way I did. And if you have--if you've experienced a version of the devil's torment in this area--I share my story so you know that healing is possible. Let there be light in dark places, words of truth and wisdom where there was once silence. "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 "If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently... Carry each other's burdens." Galatians 6:1-2 "Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil... they will not come into the light for fear their deeds will be exposed. " John 3:19-20 Exposure without judgement leads to healing and gentle restoration. Our God is the God of Mercy. So too we shall be the people of mercy and comfort those who confide in us. "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." James 5:16 "Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy." Proverbs 28:13 After everything I've been through, I can honestly say: It is better to wait until marriage. Take sex off the table in your dating relationships, especially if you're a virgin. Don't even open that door because it is really hard to shut once you do. That's why Song of Solomon warns us: "Do not awaken love before it's time." Do not awaken your sexuality before it's time, because once it is awake, it doesn't go back to sleep. Even now, as I reclaim purity and commit to waiting until marriage, my sexuality is not asleep. It's a light that's been dimmed, but not a switch that's been flipped. Once you've tasted, you don't forget. You just face a new challenge of self-control that is made harder by knowledge. With that said, healing is possible. Reclaiming your purity is possible with the Holy Spirit. Self-control is possible with the Holy Spirit. And I am thankful for the Lord's healing and mercy. I am thankful to know the God who loves and restores, who seeks to share truth and wisdom that protects us from evil and gives us an abundant life.

Single and Surrendered . You've reclaimed your relationship with the Father. You finally understand the beauty of God's design for mankind and marriage. You've established holy boundaries for dating and intimacy. You're resting in the Lord's intention, knowing He values family, relationships, connection, intimacy, and desires to give you good things. You trust Him to guide you, protect you, and love you. You know His ways are better. You trust Him with the thing that was once the hardest to surrender. And yet...you're still hurting. You still feel the ache of your missing rib or missing mate. You struggle with hormonal shifts and physical desires you can't satisfy. You still long for a connection you struggle to believe exists. Not because God isn't good but because the world isn't good. The world doesn't breed godly men. The ones that exist are as rare as you. And the dating scene is a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. You long for something different. You long for God's intention. You long for a marriage not of this world but of Heaven. You long to go back to Eden before sin entered the picture. Herein lies the hurt and hope of the single and surrendered woman. It's the very hurt and hope I live in. Today, I am struggling. And, to be completly honest, I know it's because of my cycle. Ovulation has a way of making me crave connection more than I normally do. It's a pattern I've recognized over the months. When I'm married, it'll be a beautiful thing--a special time of closeness with my husband. But when you're 30 and single and the years and potential counterparts keep passing you by, you can't help but question if it will ever happen. And then you feel the ache of missing out--missing out on love, companionship, and physical intimacy. I titled this post Single and Surrendered because the surrender is where the true ache lies. My convictions are as strong as my desires. I desire a relationship, but not an unintentional, reckless dating phase that drags on for years and threatens my purity. I desire marriage, but only with a man of God who the Lord affirms with peace. I desire physical intimacy, but only in the sanctity and safety of marriage. These desires and convictions about intentional dating and holy intimacy shrink the already depleted dating pool. On the one hand, I am thankful for my convictions. I know my beliefs and unwillingness to settle will protect me from counterfeit partners. I know my standards set me up to receive the marriage I have always yearned for. I know my beliefs are a reflection of my close relationship with the Lord and are an act of faithfulness to the Lord. I know, even though my standards shrink my options, they are ultimately the very thing that will help me discern a husband worthy of my heart. But...the ache of rarity is still there. Men with the same convictions are rare. Men who pursue the Lord diligently are rare. Men who pursue marriage with intentional dating are rare. Men willing to wait to have sex are rare. When something is rare, it can feel next to impossible to find. And yes, we as women of God are also rare. That's why the scripture tells men, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." Proverbs 18:22 For me, discouragement creeps in when I see unintentional dating, aversion to commitment, and casual sex being normalized. Today's society does not promote marriage, Christian values, or even romance. I think the way certain behaviors have become normalized is actually increasing the rarity of those who still desire marriage in the Christian sense. It's not because men and women innately don't want love, commitment, etc. It's because they've been conditioned to believe it doesn't exist in this world, so they give into the world. I get it. I did the same thing. I thought it was okay to have sex before marriage. I thought it was okay to marry the first man to choose me. Not just okay . I thought it was the only way to survive in this world. I thought it was the only way to have love, be chosen, and get married in this world. I wasn't taught to date with discernment or the importance of purity. I was taught how to exist in the world not how to remain set apart from it. This is the challenge men and women face today. We are encouraged to conform, not to stand out. Two key things have encouraged me to restore my original desires for sex and marriage. The first is meeting men (although rare) who do share the same convictions. They're out there and they give me hope. The second is knowing that being alone with God is better than being in a relationship that creates distance between me and God and forces me to settle for less than I truly desire. I've been there. I've lived that life. And while the ache of longing for a rare union is haunting, it is a holy haunting. Whereas, sharing a home with a man who does nothing but threaten your peace, drag you down, uses your body, neglects your heart, doesn't lead, doesn't encourage you to go to church or attend with you, doesn't study his Bible, doesn't care for you or your household--that's just a horror. Nothing holy about it. Unfortunately, that is the reality for women who do not surrender but continue to settle. I've seen it with women close to me. They don't believe there's anything better out there. So, they continue to entertain men who use them, disrespect, and hurt them. Even if there isn't a relationship status or ring attached to the dynamic, the sheer presence of that man blocks the present God could deliver if you'd trust Him to give you more. Receiving begins with surrendering. And yes, it hurts. The price of hope is hurt. But without hope, there is only hurt. If you're a single and surrendered woman of God, I want you to know I see you. I know it hurts, but the presence of pain doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. You're still surrendered. You're still honoring God and walking in conviction. You're still walking in hope even when it hurts. And I hope you know it's worth it. Even when you question if the season will ever change, if God will ever unite you with your kingdom spouse, waiting is still worth it. Waiting with God and on God is better than giving in to the devil's counterfeit. It is lonely but it is holy. It requires strength, sacrifice, suppression, and surrender and yes, sometimes it sucks. But having experienced the ways of the world, I can honestly say it is better. God's ways are better every single day. Only those who do not know the truth or see the error of their ways would say differently. If you're single and desiring a holy union but haven't quite found a way to surrender yet, I also see you. I've been you for the majority of my life and change is possible. Reclaiming your relationship with the Lord and rediscovering convictions is possible. Reclaiming purity is possible. Holy hope is possible. I will leave you with this--a sentiment for both of us: If you don't believe in something better, how can you ever receive it? If you don't believe in godly union, in sacred sex, how can you ever experience it? Don't settle for a man's presence when you truly long for the Lord's present.

I'm excited to bring you a new post this Advent season as I complete a study called Awakening Wonder: Experiencing the Nearness of Jesus . This study is by The Daily Grace Co . and I am loving it. I love everything I get from Daily Grace , but this study is truly something special. When I ordered it, I had no idea the challenge my family would face this holiday season. After a week's long stay in the hospital, my infant nephew was diagnosed with a rare, aggressive cancer that has left us all speechless. His first day home after his diagnosis was the first Sunday of Advent, which is the Sunday of Hope. It felt like divine timing. It felt like God was calling us to hope in the middle of this seemingly hopeless situation. And so we did and are. And as I've gotten deeper into this study, I find it tailored to exactly what I'm going through now. It teaches us to draw near to Jesus specifically in times of grief, uncertainty, and sorrow. It feels like it was written for me and for this moment. If you've experienced the loss of a loved one or some other trial that makes the holidays bittersweet, I invite you to shift perspective from the Holiday Season to the Advent Season. Draw near to Jesus during this time. Allow Jesus to be the top priority this month, not baking cookies or decorating or even finding the perfect gift for that special someone. You can still do those things, but they don't have to be all-consuming. You can find new purpose, rest, and peace during this season with Jesus. I'm thankful for this study and for this Advent season, because it will always remind me of my nephew. As I draw near to Jesus, I honor my nephew. I pray for him. I hope for healing. And no matter the outcome, this season will forever draw me closer to him and our Lord, Jesus Christ. What Is Advent? Advent is the season in the ancient church calendar that comes directly before Christmas. The word "advent" comes from the Latin word that means "arrival." During the four weeks leading up to Christmas--the day that is recognized as Jesus' birth--we anticipate and meditate on the arrival of Christ and all that He represents: hope for humanity, God's love for mankind, a guiding light for the world, a good shepherd for God's children, salvation from sin, and so much more. The theme for the first week of Advent is hope followed by the themes of peace, joy, and love. A Reflection on God's Love, Enduring Presence, and Hope Through Jesus This week's study travels through the Old Testament to the New, reminding us of God's original intention for not only man but earth. When reading the creation story, we get so caught up in the creation of man that I think it's easy to overlook the creation of the earth--the Lord's dwelling place. And therefore, we don't fully understand what Satan attempted when he tricked Adam and Eve into sin. Nor do we understand the love God has for us as He continues to seek relationship with mankind throughout the Old Testament, ultimately leading to our renewed covenant with Him through Jesus. Genesis 1:1-2 states that the Spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters when the earth was without form. Yet, once the earth was created, God walked with Adam in the garden. This tells me that before the earth was formed, God had nowhere to walk, to land, to rest His feet. He existed only in His spirit form. Once the earth was formed, He had a place to walk, to dwell, a place to be embodied, and He had His family to dwell with. Satan didn't just try to corrupt mankind with sin, he tried to banish God from His own dwelling place by corrupting the earth with sin. God created the earth not just as a home for man, but a home for Himself. Why else would He promise to create a new earth after His return? God has always sought a home and a family. Even after Satan tried to steal His most precious creations from Him, the Lord found ways to remain present with His people and inhabit the earth. When reading the Old Testament for the first time, it was a little off-putting to see God creating so many barriers between Him and His people. Why not send Jesus sooner? Why are you limiting yourself to clouds and burning bushes? But now I see it differently. God never wanted distance between us. He always craved intimacy with us. The barriers He places between us in the Old Testament are (1) because of Satan's corruption not God's disgust with our lack of cleanliness, (2) because He still desired relationship with us even after our sin, and (3) for our own deliverance. By remaining separate from sin--separate from man--in the Old Testament, God remains holy and pure. His holiness is what allows Him to send Jesus--the perfect lamb, the perfect sacrifice. If God became like man, corrupt like the world-- like Satan --there would be no redemption for any of us. So now when I look at the ways that God presents Himself in the Old Testament, I see it through a lens of love rather than distance and displeasure. God's love and presence manifests in flesh when He sends His son, Jesus Christ to dwell among us, teach us His truth, and ultimately die for us so that we may be reunited with the Lord here on earth through the Holy Spirit and after death, preserved for eternity in Jesus. God's plan has always been to dwell with us on the earth. His presence endures with us always. In every situation and in every season, God is with us. Because of the Father, we know love. Because of the Son, we know hope. Because of the Spirit, we have the strength to endure the trials of this life in this broken world. Ultimately, we have peace in knowing that Jesus has defeated the grave, paid the price for our sins, and has opened the door to an unbreakable relationship with the Father that doesn't begin after death but right now. Satan doesn't get to win. Not now. Not ever. God has made sure of it by sealing our fate with the blood of Jesus Christ. God will walk the earth again. God will dwell with mankind again on the new earth. Even now, God dwells on the earth and walks on the earth through us--His children and His vessels. We are His dwelling place. We are His home. And that is why Satan continues to pursue us so viciously. He seeks to destroy God's home not just His children. How amazing is it to be a child of God? How amazing is God's love for man that He created us to be His family? That He trusted us to have dominion over the earth and all living things that dwell on it? From the beginning, He trusted us with caring for His home --the earth. And now, we are called to care for His home in a different way. We are called to nurture our spirit and guard our temple because it is He who dwells inside . A Note On Hope In Times of Suffering Through whatever struggle you face, in this season or in the ones to come, remember God is not only with you, He is within you and you will not be shaken. You will not subcummb to suffering. You will not fail because the Lord never fails. And if, like me, you're facing an unthinkable diagnosis and looming loss, there is hope in Jesus. Jesus is our home , our dwelling place after death. In Him, we are reunited not just with the Lord, but with our loved ones who are also believers. Throughout scripture, we see not only God's desire for relationship with man and His enduring presence, but we see how deeply God values family. It's why He created us. God understands our love for our family. He understands our desire to be reunited with them. He is the source of that desire. So, take comfort in knowing that death is not the end of the story. It is not the end of love, joy, or hope. It is the beginning of forever--a forever at peace. Jesus made sure of it.

Hello readers. It's been a minute, and the reason for my absence is also the inspiration behind today's post. A little over two weeks ago, my family was catapulted--once again--onto the rollercoaster called cancer. I call it a rollercoaster because that's exactly what it feels like when someone you love is diagnosed with a life-taking illness. Initially, it's a slow, anxious crawl as you wait for the diagnostic answers. You hold onto hope that it won't be that bad. Maybe the mass is benign? Maybe there's a really solid treatment plan that won't be too harsh? Maybe it's something else entirely? Once the results come in, things begin to unfold really quickly and it feels like whiplash. Panic turns to paralysis when words like rare , aggressive , and Stage 4 are used. But by the time you get there, you've already been grieving. You grieve the new reality--treatments, pain, unknown outcomes, the unfairness of the situation, the strength it will take to survive the rollercoaster and the potential loss of the person you love. You grieve for yourself, your loved one, and everyone else who will be affected by this diagnosis. And when you've already lost someone important to you to cancer--in my case, it was my father--your grief is compounded. Cancer doesn't leave you untouched--not the patient nor the family supporting their loved one. But even in our times of greatest grief, all hope is not lost . Even when the doctors are ready to sign a death certificate, as long as your loved one breathes, the Lord hasn't spoken yet. It's a beautiful thing to have Jesus and know that you are not alone in any crisis you face. It's a beautiful thing to know the power and authority of our God, to know that He can heal the sick if He chooses to, to know that His word matters more than man's ever could. More so, it's a beautiful thing to know that Jesus has defeated the grave and no matter the outcomes we face here on earth, we will be reunited with our loved ones in Jesus after death. When the world turns you away, Jesus is still with you. When your hope is threatened, Jesus restores it. When you face a crisis that requires more of you than you have to give, Jesus strengthens and sustains you. I hope because I have Jesus. I hope because I know He has authority over all things. He has power over all things. He holds the key to the grave and as long as my loved one lives, the Lord has not spoken yet. He has not called him home yet. He has not opened the door to his eternal resting place yet . Situations like this are often used by the devil to drive a wedge between us and God. I'm thankful to say I haven't once been angry at God, even though this situation is unfair, tragic, and heartbreaking. I know that God is not the author of pain. God does not wish ill on His children nor does He create obstacles in our lives to test us. The devil is the one who torments us and God is the one who strengthens and sustains us. I know there is no way I'd be functioning right now if it weren't for God. I know myself and my capabilities and facing this reality is not one of them. I know that God is with me as He is with everyone in my family. He is where my hope lies not my anger or sorrow. And even if healing is not part of His plan, I will still say the same thing. Because of Jesus, we have hope for healing, hope for reconciliation with our loved ones, and we have strength to endure the trials of this life--even the worst of trials, which is loss. Truthfully, I see God's hand in this situation. He was there, before we even realized it, blessing us with time that, given this type of cancer, we easily could've not had. That's how God works. He is a mysterious crafter, author, working behind the scenes in ways we may never know or understand. Only by His grace do we later see His hand and are comforted in knowing He was with us all along. He will never abandon us, especially not in our heartbreak for the Lord draws near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). The Bible says Jesus will come like a thief in the night. Well, cancer comes as swiftly and sneakily. It blindsides you when it appears, and once again when it claims its target. Every day with my loved one is a joy-filled blessing, because you never know how many days you have left. That's true of us all. Death does not often announce itself and yet the easiest thing to take for granted is time. We think we have a lifetime of it and we do, but at what point does your life end? Situations like this remind us to be present, to not take for granted our time and our health. Facing death reminds you to live and that's exactly what my family and I are doing. We're living. We're making the most of every single moment while praying we have a long lifetime to do just that. Comforting Scriptures In Times of Grief "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3 "The sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18 "Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day...what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "The righteous perish...but they enter into peace." Isaiah 57:1-2 "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:8 "...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain." Revelation 21:4 "We do not grieve like those who have no hope...God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 "Do not fear, for I am with you...I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 "Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you." Psalm 55:22

Colossians is a book I had to sit on for a few days. At first, I questioned if I would write a post at all. But after reading it a second time and reflecting on it more deeply, I found the primary teachings of Paul to be pivotal for Christians. Context Colossians was written by Paul between 60 and 63 AD. To put it into perspective, this book was written about 30 years after Jesus' crucifixion. The early church was still new and greatly suseptible to false teachings. Truthfully, the church today is still suseptible to false teachings, which is why reading the Bible is so important. The truth resides in God's Word. Paul is one of the most influential figures in the New Testament. He wrote 13 letters in the New Testament. Colossians is one of them and is actually the first letter of Paul I've read in entirety. His letters cover topics such as: salvation by grace through faith, life in the Spirit, Christian unity, marriage and family, spiritual gifts, church leadership, the nature of Christ, and the meaning of the gospel. His writings shaped Christian theology more than any other apostle. But before Paul was an apostle, a follower of Jesus and teacher of His ways, He was a Pharisee who persecuted Christians. It is worth noting that the Pharisees were not unbelievers. They truly believed they were doing the Lord's work by crucifying Jesus, persecuting Christians, and trying to destroy the early church. They were misguided religious zealots who did not have true relationship with the Lord. They followed the letter of the Law but did not know the heart of God. They rejected Jesus as the Son of God and resisted the work of the Holy Spirit. Their devotion was to rules and tradition and it blinded them to the very Messiah they had been waiting for. Jesus revealed Himself to Paul and Paul was changed forever. The story of Paul reveals two great truths. The first, no matter how dark our past is, Jesus can still use us, still redeem us, still call us to incredible purpose. The second, the Lord calls us to specific missions and He qualifies the called. Our past does not disqualify us from the kingdom of God or spreading God's Word hear on earth. Our past makes our testimony and spiritual transformation that much more powerful and impactful. If you can relate to Paul, you're in good company and there's a brighter, more purpose-filled future for you through acceptance of Jesus Christ. The Superiority of Christ Paul spends most of Colossians reminding believers of the superiority of Christ as false teachings that deny Christ's power and superiority rise. Paul specifically speaks on wisdom and knowledge coming only from God, because the false teachers--gnostics--promoted a belief that knowledge of God is the key to salvation (not Jesus Christ) and that they had this secret knowledge to share. Paul states God is the revealer of knowledge and wisdom through the Holy Spirit. Knowledge and wisdom are gifts from God, but not the key to salvation. "...you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and long-suffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. " Colossians 1: 9-14 All wisdom and spiritual understanding come from God by His will. God desires to share His wisdom and understanding with us. His wisdom and understanding is transformative. We need only to seek Him in faith. The Lord's wisdom and understanding, granted to us through His Holy Spirit, is what equips us to walk in holiness, fully pleasing Him. The calling comes before the equipping. God calls us home through Jesus. We first accept Jesus as Savior and the sacrifice for our sins. Then, God fills us with His Holy Spirit and begins the process of qualification or refininment. Through this process, we are granted wisdom and understanding and more fruits of the Spirit that equip us to walk in His ways and purposes and please Him. We cannot please God or walk in His ways without God , without the knowledge that comes only from Him / His Spirit. What the false teachers were promoting was not only false doctrine but was demonic deception rather than divine revelation. We are warned against earthly wisdom / demonic wisdom in James for demonic wisdom is not wisdom at all. "But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not come down from above but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing is there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy." James 3:14-17 There is a difference between self-seeking and seeking the Lord. The false teachers would have you seek wisdom from sources other than the Lord. Today, this may look like: inner divinity (the power of manifestation), astrology, tarot, secret knowledge spirituality (modern-day gnosticism), etc. The Bible makes it clear there are other powers, other spirits, other knowledge out there. But that is not the power, spirit, or knowledge we are called to seek. That is demonic wisdom and self-seeking. Seeking the Lord is the only path to true wisdom, understanding, and salvation . As we seek the Lord, God strengthens our knowledge. He bathes us in His holiness just as Jesus bathes us in His blood. Finally, Colossians 1 makes it clear that Jesus is the only one who grants us redemption, forgiveness of sins, is the one who frees us from the power of darkness, and is the one who conveys us into the kingdom of Heaven. "He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on the earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things consist . And He is the head of the body, the church, who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in all things He may have the preeminence." Colossians 1:15-18 This verse reveals Jesus is God. He is "the image of the invisible God." This is further supported in John 10:30 when Jesus says, "I and the Father are one." Jesus is not only the Son, the Savior, the firstborn , the sacrifice, the redeemer. He is the creator. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made." John 1:1-3 "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us." John 1:14 "He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God." Revelation 19:13 Jesus is the eternal Word, present with God, and fully God. Jesus (the Word) became flesh. Jesus is presented as The Word of God in Revelation. Jesus Christ is the manifested Word of God. We are called to abide in Him and the way to do that is to abide in His Word: His literal Word, which is the Bible and in the Word who is Jesus Christ. You cannot separate Jesus from His Word, the Bible, for He is the Word. "Abide in Me, and I in you. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you..." John 15:4 + 7 Jesus / God is before all things, all things consist in Him. He has superiority over all things, including darkness and evil. This was important for Paul to preach on because he wanted to remind the church there is no reason to seek any other wisdom or knowledge or power outside of Jes us . What's beautiful about Jesus being the first as in firstborn is that it implies He is not the only . We are all God's creations, God's children, and He seeks to reconcile us all to Him. Colossians 1:15-18 , accompanied by the listed supporting verses, provides so much clarity on the power of Jesus and even provides insight on the Holy Trinity. A Note On The Holy Trinity: The concept of the Holy Trinity has been difficult for me to understand most of my life, but it's finally becoming clearer. God, The Father, abides in Jesus Christ, and Jesus Christ abides in Him. "Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father in Me." John 14:11 They have given us Their Spirit. "And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever--the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. " It is through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that we are reconciled to the Father. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the door to the Kingdom of Heaven through which only those who abide in Him will pass. When we accept His Holy Spirit, we abide in Him and He in us (meaning both Jesus Christ and the Father). Jesus is the bridge between us and the Father, between us and Heaven. We are all branches of the same tree. We are tiers of the same cake (: God's children have not only an incredible inheritance waiting for them, but an incredible mission here on earth. That is why the devil seeks to destroy us and prevent more children of God from waking up to their true identity and calling. When you look at this drawing below, do you not see how connected we are to God? Do you not see the power and assignment His Holy Spirit grants us. Through Jesus Christ, through His Holy Spirit, we are part of the trinity. We are part of God's holy mission to reconcile all things to Himself. Now, admittedly, the theology of the Holy Spirit may go deeper than my current understanding. But the idea of us abiding in God/ Jesus and He abiding in us is still true and relevant to our understanding of what it means to be vessels of the Holy Spirit and children of God. We are separate beings filled with the same Spirit and Jesus is the bridge that connects us all. "For it pleased the Father that in Him all the fullness should dwell, and by Him to reconcile all things to Himself, by Him, whether things on earth or things in heaven, having made peace through the blood of His cross." Colossians 1: 19-20 "And you, who once were alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now He has reconciled in the body of His flesh through death, to present you holy, and blameless, and above reproach in His sight -- if indeed you continue in the faith, grounded and steadfast, and are not moved away from the hope of the gospel which you heard..." Colossians 1:21-23 "...the mystery wihch has been hidden from ages and from generations, but now has been revealed to His saints. To them God willed to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is: Christ in you, the hope of glory. " Colossians 1:26-27 It is through the blood of Jesus Christ that we are reconciled to the Father. God seeks to reconcile all His creations to Him. We are living in the days of God's grace not the days of restriction and ritualistic Law as in the Old Testatment. Through the blood of His cross, the mystery of God was revealed to all mankind and so was the mercy, grace, and love of God. Our reconciliation to the Lord is not based on performance or perfection. It is based on the acceptance of Jesus Christ as Lord. We abide in Him and He abides in us . We are called to not lose hope or faith in the truth of the gospel, which is the truth of Jesus Christ . For the truth of Jesus is the way to life eternal. "Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 Personal Reflection It's ironic that my journey through the Bible began with a simple statement: "I want to know the truth for myself." When I began reading the Bible, I was searching for the truth of what the text said. I didn't understand that what the text said was the Truth of God, the Word of God, or that Jesus was the manifested Word of God. It was never taught to me that way. The Bible was always presented as this thing that was separate from God. In literary terms, I understood it as having a narrator observing from the outside looking in. I didn't understand the Bible as the Word of God. I viewed it as the Word of Man. I think this is why a lot of people reject the Bible even if they don't reject God / Jesus. They do not view them as one and the same. But when I lived in this rejection, acceptance of God / Jesus but rejection of the Bible, I didn't know God / Jesus. The Word of God is key to knowledge of God, to relationship with God. I am still getting to know them. My eyes are still being opened to the truth. My knowledge and understanding are probably infantile compared to what it will be one day. And that's why I'm so passionate about this blog. Every new discovery I make through His Word is amazing to me and I want to share it. Realizing how truly lost I was, how disconnected from the Lord (the Truth) I was, makes me look back on those years through a lens of emptiness. I was empty, confused, and self-seeking. And I am so thankful that I'm not anymore. I'm filling myself with the Truth for the first time in my life and it is an amazing feeling. For so long, I was one of those people who believed I was saved, but didn't know the Lord. "Depart from me, I never knew you." Matthew 7:23 This verse reveals how Jesus will reject those who reject Him. As I sit here today, I don't know if I would've gone to Heaven if I would've died two years ago. I really don't. I don't have those answers. Nor do I seek to condemn or confuse anyone else. What I can say is I didn't know the Lord. I didn't have strong faith. I didn't have a true relationship with Him. I prayed to Him, yes . But I wasn't listening for a response. I wasn't letting Him lead me. I wasn't seeking Him in all things. I wasn't asking for His discernment and wisdom. I was not surrendered to His ways or embodied by His Spirit. Perhaps I was rejecting Him by refusing to read His Word and let Him impart true wisdom, truth, understanding, and His Spirit upon me. Reading the Bible is changing my life and I feel His Spirit working in me, qualifying me just like His Word promises. Unlike two years ago, today I can say, I know I am saved. I know His Spirit lives inside me. I am a child of God, a daughter of the King. I will recognize Him when I meet Him. And, for that, I am so grateful. But I am also eager to learn more. I am eager to increase my knowledge and understanding of the Lord. I want to know Him more. I want to have a million and one things to talk about when I see Him. If you know me personally, you know I love to talk. (: Relationships are built on mutual understanding of one another. I was taught to believe that God knows me, even down to the number of hairs on my head. Because of this, I didn't feel the conviction of "I never knew you." But the truth is, we must know Him too. We must seek relationship with Him too. No healthy or fulfilling relationship is one-sided. How do we get to know Him? Through His Word. No matter who you are or where you are, I pray you get into His Word. Opening your Bible is like opening a door to relationship with the Lord. He's there waiting for you with His hand outstretched, ready to guide you to new discoveries.

Today's post is just as much for me as it is for you. Honestly, I wouldn't even be writing this if it weren't for the sermon we had today at church. We've been in a series called The Sower and today was the conclusion of the series. For six weeks, we've learned about sowing good seeds with the hopes of (1) being a blessing to others and (2) reaping a good harvest for ourselves. We do this by planting the ultimate good seed in the soil of our hearts, and that seed is the Word of God. By studying God's Word, we are equipped with the knowledge and spirit of Christ that allows us to be good sowers, good followers of Christ, and good neighbors. This was an excellent series topic and I encourage you to dive deeper into it by watching the recordings on Youtube. But, for me, it was today's conclusion that really hit home. These words came directly from God to me at a time when I needed to hear them. It was the appointed time for this message and so, maybe it is the appointed time for this post. There Is An Appointed Time For All Things Today, our pastor spoke to us on the importance of not losing hope in the waiting. He referenced several scriptures driving home the point that "With God, there is due season." With God, it is not an if but when . The Lord assures us that the season will change, the seed will sprout, and the harvest will come. "Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9 "He has made everything beautiful in its time ." Ecclessiates 3:11 "For the time to favor her, the set time , has come." Psalm 102:13 This message and these scriptures changed my perspective of God and my perspective of time. Because I am still new to God's Word and my relationship with the Lord is still in the early stages, I am still learning new things about Him. I am still learning how to walk in surrender and trust Him. What I've realized is that, for most of my life, I've lived as if I'm in the driver's seat, as if God is following me rather than me being the one following Him. This perspective has taken the authority over my life out of God's hands and put it into mine. At least that's how I felt. This mindset has made me feel like I am responsible for everything in my life. I am responsible for the timing of my life, the blessings in my life, the relationships in my life. And even though I've surrendered my life to the Lord, it's still easy for me to slip into that old mindset if I'm not careful. For many years, I abided by the lie that my blessings are based on my performance. If I'm not good enough, God will not give me good things. I felt the pressure of perfection in the waiting season. I assumed the reason I had not reaped the harvest I was desiring was because I wasn't good enough, worthy enough; I hadn't proven myself to God enough. And that only continued to fuel my pursuit of perfection while contributing to exhaustion and weariness. Side note: Today, our praise team introduced a new song that spoke to this very lie. The lyrics said: "It's not about performance." Literally, this entire service came straight from God to me. I was not able to rest in hope, because I didn't know how to have hope in anyone but myself. I did not see God as a safe person to put my hope in. Hope in the Lord felt like passivity, like I was giving up hope altogether. Yet, I also couldn't trust myself to bring about the harvest I was desiring, because all of my attempts had failed and led to more heartbreak. I spent years in a catch 22 of hopelessness. But, with God, there is due season. There is an appointed time for all things. That word appointed has changed everything for me. God is not leaving my life or your life up to chance. Psalm 139:16 tells us, " And in your book they are written all the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them." God has already written each of our stories. He wrote them before we were born. While Psalm 139:14 is most quoted--"For I am fearfully and wonderfully made"--I think verse 16 is just as incredible and important. God is not a Father who abandons us after conception, leaving everything that will happen to us up to chance. He has orchestrated our lives, is orchestrating our lives. He is working behind the scenes, aligning things we are yet to see. Like a good author, there are no filler chapters in our stories. Every chapter, or season, is leading to the ultimate resolution or happily ever after. There is an appointed time for all things. And while we endure the waiting, His Spirit is with us. Have Hope Even When It's Hard Our pastor said, "Do not give up. Don't quit. Be patient enough to trust God to bring the harvest at the appointed time." He said, "It is not our job to know when or how the Lord will bring the harvest, but to trust that He will." Whatever you're waiting on--that promotion, that relationship, that child--the Lord assures us that He will bring the harvest. It's not an if but when . A special note to my single girls waiting for marriage, so many will say, "the Lord does not promise you a husband," but the Word of God says: "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy." Psalm 126:5-6 "If we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perserverance." Romans 8:25 If you desire a husband, wait eagerly (expectantly) for him. The Lord never asks us to give up our good desires. The Lord never asks us to relinquish our hope, but encourages us to hope, to not grow weary, to perservere. Desiring marriage is not only a good thing but a God thing. So, don't lose hope. Regardless of what you're waiting for, the same message applies. Be a sower even when it's not easy, even when you're in tears, even when you're battling hopelessness. Be a sower by reading the Word of God to restore your hope. Be a sower by following the teachings of Christ and loving others. Be a sower by spreading good seed, the truth of the Word of God, wherever you go. We cannot control the timing of our harvest, but we know that a harvest is coming. And with the Lord, it will be good. Hope Is Not Rebellion ~ It's An Act of Faith When you're desiring something as strongly as I desire marriage, you may question if your hope is a sign of idolatry or rebellion, a lack of contentment or fulfillment. I know I have and I've felt guilty. But today's message presented a new perspective on hope. Accompanied by the scriptures above, Lamentations 3:26 says "It is good for a man to hope and wait on the Lord." Our hope is not rooted in selfishness or resistance to God's will. Our hope in the Lord is an act of faith. For many years I said, "He can, but will He?" in regards to my desire for marriage. Actually, I said the same thing when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I knew God could heal Him, but would He? I know God can bring me a husband, but will He? This was not hope nor faith. This was doubt and doubt is the opposite of faith. So, do not feel guilty for hoping in the Lord, for desiring that Godly thing. The Lord wants us to hope for the harvest He will bring, Our hope acknowledges His power, His goodness, His faithfulness, and His love. Our hope is an act of faith, trust, patience, and obedience. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12 While our hope may be burdensome for us, it is not burdensome to the Lord. He is not in Heaven rolling His eyes, waiting for us to give up, let go, and move on. Psalm 139 reveals that the Lord knows us, understands our thoughts, is aquainted with all our ways, and hears us when we are silent. It says the Lord formed us and saw our substance before we were formed. All are our days are written in His book. His thoughts toward us are precious and endless. After the sermon today and diving even deeper into scripture, I personally believe that God is not only the Lord of the Harvest but the Lord of Hope. "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 He knows the harvest He is going to bring in your life. He has already written your story and is simply weaving it together in real-time. If you have a specific desire buried in your heart, something you cannot let go of hope for--even when hope is hard--I think it's because you're not meant to let go. Your hope is proof of the thing not yet seen. Your hope is proof of the harvest to come. Your hope is the seed of the harvest to come. Your hope comes from God. He's not asking you to give it up. That perspective has allowed me to view my hope differently. I don't desire marriage because I am selfish. While the places my desire for marriage have taken me--mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually--haven't always been healthy, the desire itself is from God. The hope I have for marriage is from God. Knowing that actually makes my hope feel even more special. It's not just that I want marriage, but God wants marriage for me. Let your hope be proof of God's goodness, proof of His love for you. Let your persistent hope be a reminder that God is working behind the scenes, aligning things that will one day present a harvest He ordained for you before you were even born.

If I have prayer warriors out there, you can sigh in relief. This week of Woman In The Word content has been different and personal, but maybe that's exactly what it needed to be? This blog is an outlet for me that helps me process the battles I face in a way that hopefully helps others. This whole week, as I was writing through struggle, I thought maybe someone out there can relate. Maybe someone is going through the same thing and they need to see it's possible to fight the feelings of hopelessness and mistrust instead of giving in to them. Whatever sprinkles of wisdom these posts have offered you, it honestly made this week of pain worth it to me. What also made it worth it is the moment I had with God yesterday. There are some things I want to keep private, so I won't detail everything that happened between me and God. But I will share what led up to it, the beauty of the moment we shared, and where it's left me. With that said, if you are related to me, this is a post you may want to skip. Before finishing this post, if you want to dig deeper into the struggles I've been facing check out: Struggles In Surrender Part 1 and Struggles In Surrender Part 2 . I sought Him even when I was angry at Him, even when I was struggling to trust Him. I've spent the past several days processing my feelings through writing, praying to God--a lot of times I write those prayers down in my journal--and I sought comfort in His word when I felt my heart was open to it. It wasn't on the first day, let me tell you. On the days when I didn't have the strength to seek Him, I sought the counsel and comfort of Christian friends who I know I can trust to give me Biblically-sound advice. To me, that felt like an act of seeking Him, because it wasn't about what my friends would say, but what God would say through them. I let myself feel my emotions and I didn't hide them from God. As if we can hide anything from Him? Some people would say it's not okay to be angry at God. It's not okay to yell at Him or question Him. I disagree. Is He deserving of my anger? No. But is it important for me to release in order to move through the complete cycle of emotions and reach the breakthrough I have? Yes. It's okay to bring all of your emotions to your relationship with God. He can handle it. He isn't going to run away from your anger or turn His back on you because you're struggling to trust. He's going to meet you right in the middle of the mess, let you express yourself, and then help you regain strength and peace. Opening up to God, sharing how I really feel, crying to Him through every ache, is actually one of the things that makes me feel closest to Him. Coincidentally, it's also one of the things that makes me feel close to a human companion. For me, trust and intimacy is built through honest conversation and sharing of our darkest parts. Because it's in the sharing that you provide an opportunity for someone to accept you, for someone to demonstrate their trustworthiness, and strength to hold your emotions. As I write, I actually feel that's a revelation in and of itself. Our relationship with God may mirror the relationships we have with others. That means whatever relationship roadblocks we face, like trust issues, control issues, hyper-independence, people-pleasing, fear of honest expression, etc. may be the same issues we bring into our relationship with God. Additionally, whatever makes us feel closest and most connected to others may be the very same things that will make us feel closest and most connected to God. And that's actually the perfect transition to my moment with God, the moment where we had true intimacy. I brought Him into my shame physically and emotionally. My struggles are rooted in two lies that, for many years, I believed as truth. The first: I will never have love in my life. I will never get married. The second: My blessings are tied to my performance. These lies created this storm of hopelessness and striving for perfection. As long as I was good , as long as I didn't sin, I felt like I had a chance to receive the blessing of marriage. But when I envitably felt too exhausted to perform or too exhausted to continue hoping that the season would change, the hopelessness would rise and with it came my anger. The why God questions would come. The comparison to others who haven't had to work so hard to attain love would come. It is crippling and suffocating. And the hopelessness makes me feel disconnected from God, because at my lowest moments, I don't have the strength to even be comforted by Him. All I can do is breathe, sleep, and function on autopilot until my heart is open to receiving His word again. But the lie isn't where the shame or disconnection from God resided. My shame resided in my failure, in the sin, in the thing that made me feel separated from God. For me, my shame resided in my bedroom, in my desire for touch and connection. It resided in my body. This is a hard topic to talk about, especially because I know some family members who read this blog. But I feel like the devil perverted my desire for intimacy at an early age. My desires were never grounded in lust, but that doesn't mean the devil couldn't exploit a good desire. It's no different from how he twists and perverts other good things like marriage, church, and mankind. When I first awakened love and that desire for physical touch rose, I was quickly exposed to porn, but not just any kind of porn. There is a category called Bondage. Yes, literally. This exposure was around the time the novel Fifty Shades of Grey was released, or at least the movie. So, that should give you an idea of how the devil perverted my good desire for sex, physical touch, and connection with something dark, violent, and evil. It's also why I'm dedicated to changing the way I write sex in books, because I don't want to contribute to anyone else's downfall the way that novel contributed to mine. While I had felt the conviction of watching porn and broke that bad habit long ago, my desire for touch and intimacy remained. And so I continued to live in the sin of masturbation. It wasn't that I wanted to sin or feel disconnected from God. Honestly, I only did it once a month when the natural desire arose, unless I had been exposed to some form of arousing material. In getting closer to God, I made the decision to not only change the way I write books, but the books I consume. That now applies to the movies I watch, the content I consume in general. But even after removing those arousal triggers, I still have a grown woman's body that desires not only emotional intimacy but physical intimacy. In the recent weeks, when all of my struggles came back to the surface, it was so heavy trying to suppress my body, trying to suppress something natural and good. I knew God had cleansed me of the devil's perversion. No more porn. No more dark thoughts to get me off. I knew my desire came from a good place. Yet, I was still told to suppress it. And that just made me feel disconnected from myself and angry at God for not giving me a husband that would free me from the shame and sin of this desire. Then, I finally gave in and I spiraled back into shame and disconnection. In that moment, I invited God in, but I still felt guilty, because it felt like something I wasn't supposed to do. After days of processing, writing, praying, reading His word, the desire resurfaced again. Only this time, it didn't carry the same weight. It didn't feel wrong. I had clarity in knowing I'm not seeking anything dark or perverted. What I'm seeking isn't even truly sexual. It is pure connection, pure intimacy. Do you want to know the thought that elicited the physical desire? I imagined I was being hugged by my husband--whoever he is. I imagined he was caressing my arm and had his palm pressed against the back of my head, just craddling me and making me feel safe while fully clothed. It wasn't sexual at all. I knew I was craving connection, intimacy, safety, and comfort, and that's what I was trying to provide myself by imagining that moment. Still, my body reacted. My breakthrough didn't come from squashing my desire for intimacy, but in inviting God into it. I invited God into the place where the shame lived. I invited God into my bedroom, into my desire, and we had intimacy. He taught me to see myself through His eyes. He allowed me to let go of my shame in that moment, not because I suppressed a desire He gave me, but because I finally invited Him into it wholeheartedly. We are told to bring God into every room, every situation, and yet I always felt like He didn't belong in the bedroom. Maybe that's what society tells us? Regardless, I can remember not even wanting to hang a cross in my bedroom, because it felt like what would happen in front of that cross would be dishonorable. But the truth is, God's presence is what drives out darkness . If God isn't in our bedroom, then who else is? Furthermore, God created our bodies. He created not only our emotional desire for intimacy but our physical desire for intimacy. He crafted every nerve ending. He crafted every aspect of our anatomy. And He never asked us to put clothes on or hide in shame. "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." Genesis 2:25 It was only after sin entered the world that Adam and Eve realized they were naked and made clothes for themselves. That tells me God thinks our bodies are pretty amazing. Not only that, he thinks sex is amazing. Why else would He tell Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply? Why else would He tell husbands to delight in their wives? "As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love." Proverbs 5:19 There may be people out there who think I'm wrong for what I did. Maybe I am. I'm not bringing you scripture and interpreting it through a lens to support what I did. What I do know is that I have never felt closer to God. I have never felt more love for God. I have never felt so free--free from shame, free from sin. God allowed me to see myself through His eyes. He healed the sexual trauma I'd been yearning for my husband to heal. He came into a space that the devil used to play. He reclaimed that room and He let me reclaim my body, my mind, my self-perception, and my sexual desire. He allowed me to let go of my shame and finally feel like a woman, a woman of God. In my story, this moment was pivotal, because of the spiritual attacks I'd faced in the realms of sex, desire, and my body. Expecting man to heal what the devil broke was never going to work . It was aiding my idolization of marriage. God was the only one who could heal these wounds inside me. And I am so thankful I didn't let shame continue to keep Him out. If you are struggling with your sexual desire, your body image, or sexual trauma, invite God into that area specifically. I'm not saying He will lead you to do exactly what I did. We all have a unique relationship with the Lord. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to relationship with Him. There is only one answer to every question--seek Him, and He will lead you to whatever breakthrough you need to heal. In closing, I want to reference back to a statement I made earlier: Whatever makes us feel closest and most connected to others may be the very same things that will make us feel closest and most connected to God. While my primary love language is quality time, it's no wonder that physical intimacy allowed me to feel closer to God. It's one of the things that excites me most about getting married one day. Obviously, marriage is so much more than that. But as a woman who has never experienced safe and loving sexual intimacy, even though I was married, this aspect of Godly marriage excites me. Physical intimacy is a reflection of the intimacy that exists outside of the bedroom. I crave both forms of intimacy, emotional and physical. But in my relationship with God, it always felt unfulfilling because I couldn't have everything I needed to feel safe, whole, loved, and connected to Him. I was able to have quality time with Him, but He wasn't able to fulfill all my needs, because I wasn't letting Him. I didn't think I could or should. Now , I feel like I have true intimacy with the Lord and I pray that this relationship only continues to grow. This breakthrough I had with the Lord has shifted my desperation for marriage to an excitement for marriage. I was always worried about the sexual trauma I would bring into that relationship. I was worried about carrying perverted sexual desires and dark thoughts into our bedroom. I was worried about not being able to fully connect and be pleased by my husband because I'd been conditioned to be aroused by violence and domination. I was worried I would lead mine and my husband's sexual relationship to a dark place, a place we couldn't escape, a place shrouded in the same shame I'd been so eager to let go of. Now, I don't have those worries. Now, I know that safe and loving touch is exactly what I want and it is satisfying. I am excited. Literally, I'm smiling as I write this. And that tells me, it is good. This moment was necessary--for my healing, my relationship with the Lord, and my relationship with my future husband. Journal Prompts: What makes you feel the most connected to the people in your life? And how can you bring those same strategies into your relationship with the Lord and grow your relationship with Him? What relationship roadblocks are you experiencing in your earthly relationships and could they be playing a role in your relationship with the Lord? Your relationship with God is personal. You are a unique creation crafted specifically by Him. You have unique needs and unique struggles. And God created you exactly how you are, so that He can meet you in your uniqueness and have a unique relationship with you. As an author, this is something I relate to. I love creating characters with different flaws and traumas, quirks and mannerisms, because it lets me step into their shoes and experience life through their unique perspective. I love the literary journey of restoration and redemption. I'm not saying that's what God is doing with us, but I can imagine if we were all the same and He had to read the same story a billion times over, that wouldn't be nearly as satisfying as getting to live a brand new story through each of His unique creations. So, let God meet you in your uniqueness and build your own personal relationship with Him. Bring Him into every room, every situation. Remove the roadblocks and connect with Him in the ways you know how to, not just the ways you're told to.