How God Healed My Perspective of Marriage & The Importance of Undivided Loyalty to Christ

Today's post is rather unexpected but after some thought and prayer, I feel it's worth writing. As I continue reading 1 Corinthians, the topic of marriage is prevalent. Paul spends a lot of time preaching the goodness of remaining unmarried.

"He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord--how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world--how he may please his wife...The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world--how she may please her husband," 1 Corinthians 7:32-34

"So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better...she is happier if she remains as she is..." 1 Corinthians 7:38 + 40

Who am I to deny Paul's words? As someone who has been married before, I can attest to the truth in his sentiment that remaining unmarried is better than being in an ungodly marriage that distracts you from the Lord. But the way this scripture reads depicts every marriage as a distraction from the Lord, and that I believe is a false interpretation of scripture.

Again, I do believe there's truth in Paul's statement. Marriage has the potential to divide our attention, loyalty, and responsibilities. When you're married, you are responsible for your spouse and you share responsibilities with your spouse. You are loyal to your spouse and your spouse requires your attention. However, a person with a heart transformed by the Lord knows that this offering to your spouse is not in competition with the Lord, but is an act of love and service that the Lord equips us to complete.

The love and service we give our spouse should reflect God's love for them and the heart for love and service He has given us. So, while marriage can be a distraction from the Lord, it doesn't have to be.

With the right heart posture, marriage can be a way of demonstrating the character of Christ and enjoying the essence of union God so desires for us and designed us for.

Consider the story of Adam and Eve. God created us physically and spiritually to desire connection. He hand-delivered Eve to Adam. He blessed their union. The union was never the problem. The problem arose when Eve's influence over Adam became stronger than God's influence. When the couple chose to disobey God, put Him second, that's when the union became a distraction, a competition with the Lord. But we don't have to follow their example.

When you marry someone as rooted in Christ as you are--equally yoked--you both share the same desire to please the Lord. You share a desire to remain obedient to the Lord and to serve the Lord. That marriage is a blessing, not a distraction. And while all marriages may be temporary, a thing of this world as Paul states, our desire for marriage is still good, still rooted in God. Because what does God desire more than union with us?

As we embody His Spirit, and get to know His heart, we share the same desires as Him. We share a desire for union.

In the context of 1 Corinthians, Paul was speaking to a group of believers who did not yet have the desire to please the Lord. They believed in Christ, but were not yet rooted in Him. They had fallen into rampant sexual sin and pagan worship. They allowed logic to override the spirit of wisdom. They argued that if Christ had fulfilled the law and they were no longer under it, then all things were lawful for them. They saw salvation in Christ as a chance to exercise their free will to do whatever they wanted. What we see here is a prime example of how the enemy exploits the word of God. Just because you can do all things, doesn't mean you should do all things.

The Holy Spirit working inside of us grants us the wisdom to walk in righteousness and the desire to do so. The Corinthians had clearly not received the spiritual transformation necessary to walk in righteousness or steward a holy marriage. They were still living in the world. Sex was an act of self-gratification, not a ritual of oneness. They did not understand the concept of oneness for they were not yet one with God. So, when Paul addresses sexual purity and marriage here specificially, he was doing so in a way to guide them towards righteousness.

Paul equated singleness with undivided, ultimate devotion to God, which should be their (and our) first priority. He offered marriage as an outlet for those who could not exercise self-control or sexual purity in singleness. He offered a practical solution to meet a practical problem. But a heart submitted to God does not need this lesson.

A heart transformed by God can exercise both self-control and a desire for holy connection--a holy union that does not distract from God, but reflects God's design, intention, and love.

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As a woman desiring marriage, you could say I'm biased, that I'm reading this scripture in a way that gives me hope for marriage instead of shattering it. I won't deny my desire, but I will share how the Holy Spirit has healed my desire for and my perspective of marriage.

I used to view marriage as the finish line. Since childhood, I equated my worth with being chosen by man. I let my relationship status or lack of determine my self-view. I used to carry the beliefs... "When I'm skinny enough..." "When I'm pretty enough..." "When I'm worthy enough..." "When I'm healed enough..." "When I'm good enough..." "When I'm submitted to God enough..."

I believed that when I became enough, I would meet my husband. I viewed being married as the ultimate validation of my womanhood and worth.

There was a time of seeking male validation, settling for unhealthy, toxic, breadcrumb relationships, and struggling with self-esteem. And even after surrendering to God, I still carried the belief that I wasn't good enough simply because God hadn't yet united me with my husband.

I gauged the status of my life, my holiness, my readiness, my sanctification based on my marital status.

But marriage was never the point. Being chosen by man was never the point. And all the time I spent thinking God was preparing me to be someone's wife, I think He was actually preparing me to be His. Because the actual point of this walk of faith is becoming the wife of Christ.

So many good women, godly women are viewed with shame, pity, or suspicion when they aren't married. People wonder why we haven't been chosen. People question what's wrong with us, and yes, put pressure on us to control something that is outside of our control. Society teaches us that marriage is the ultimate status for a woman, and I bought into it. I questioned why I hadn't been chosen. I wondered what's wrong with me.

But I am chosen. I am loved. I am pursued by Christ. I no longer equate being single with being unworthy. I no longer equate man's rejection with being unchosen. I know I am chosen, loved, and pursued by God. And I know the work He is doing in me is valuable and transformative, and that work could only be accomplished during this season of singleness.

As I sit here, this is a perspective that I spent years missing. Had I known this sooner, had I truly been able to accept this sooner, I would've saved myself a lot of pain. Now, I sit in this very unique place where I still desire marriage and yet, not just any marriage. I desire a marriage that does not distract me from God or compete with the most important relationship in my life. And I do believe this is possible, but I also know it's rare.

I think understanding that what I want is rare takes the sting off my singleness. It's no longer a sign of rejection, but a sign of protection.

So, yes, I agree with Paul that being undistracted and completely devoted to the Lord is best. Our relationship with the Lord should be first and foremost; however, I disagree that marriage in essence is a distraction from the Lord. It is possible to have a marriage that does not compete with the Lord, rather honors Him. But this is only possible if we demonstrate faithfulness to the Lord in both singleness and in marriage. The Lord is the one who teaches us how to love and serve one another. He is our example, and our faithfulness to Him is the foundation for all other things.